He hasn’t text in a few days
What now?
In terms of day to day stress, nothing beats meeting a great guy, having some great dates, and then him disappearing. And you are left thinking, ‘Okay he hasn’t texted in a few days, what should I do?’
The first few dates seemed to go great, you got closer, and then he seemed to change. His messages got cold, distant or straight up stopped.
It’s been 3 days, 5 days, a week and you still haven’t heard. So far you’ve done a good job of getting on with your life, you haven’t been ‘needy’ and rung him – but what next? He doesn’t seem to be chasing you.
That sudden gear shift in the intimacy levels you were feeling is enough to start most people questioning ‘what did I do wrong?’. Or ‘I knew I shouldn’t have slept with him‘ self-judgement spirals of shame.
Stop right now: in this mindset, you’re already losing.
Just to clarify if you’ve been hanging out with someone, having a sexual relationship with them, and have got used to regular contact: Since when does it make you ‘needy’ or ‘desperate’ to get in touch if you haven’t heard in a while?
I know it may feel like there are a ton of unwritten rules for dating. Especially dating in London and other big cities. This is why it’s my job as a dating coach and relationship expert to help support you in making decisions that empower you.
Also not getting a response to that message can feel just straight up rude.
So I thought I would also dedicate a blog to sharing some of my answers to common ‘he hasn’t messaged help!’ questions and tips with you.
Here is my game plan for you if he hasn’t texted in a few days
1. First of all enact, the ‘most problems are resolved in 48 hours’ protocol.
If it has been less than a couple of days then try to not let his lack of contact bother you. There is a good chance he is busy and this is nothing to worry about. Get home from work, put your phone on aeroplane mode and avoid checking your WhatsApp status or social media activity. You have your own life to live. Also, think about where these feelings are coming from. Hug yourself and have trust in people to come through by texting you back.
Often when we start checking up on people (I’m thinking of sending your BFF on a covert mission to watch his insta-stories. Or checking when he was last online) what’s going on is that you want CLARITY. You don’t have enough information to know what he’s thinking. So you try to fill in the gaps with some CSI level online checking. Part of getting more comfortable with dating is learning how to be in this unknown, where he hasn’t texted you in a few days, and being okay to sit back and see how things evolve…
Sometimes by watching and waiting we get the best feedback on whether someone is right for us. If he can go a day without talking to you, so can you.
P.S. You can see more dating advice videos on my YouTube channel!
2. Okay, 48 hours have gone by and he hasn’t texted you…
You got too tempted and have seen he’s been uploading Instagram stories. Dammit.
Your mind whirls around, ‘how can he have time to upload onto Instagram and not check in on me?’
Remind yourself that you don’t lose any ‘power’ by reaching out to him. It’s a relationship it’s about teamwork, not a power play. If he receives your message like ‘YAS I knew she’d text me first’ this doesn’t make you weak, it makes him an immature idiot. Get this clear in your mind. Send a message that’s light and offers something from your day. Remember you are communicating in a way that feels natural to you and that builds an emotional connection. If he runs from this he is unlikely to be able to offer you what you need:
“How’s your Monday? I just got in… intense but good day!”
Or send a photo (not directly of you necessarily…) saying ‘how’s your Monday. This is me *emoji*’
3. Oh no! He (STILL) hasn’t texted you back for a few days.
You now feel bummed out that you ruined it by sending that text message (‘thanks Hayley….’). If you feel this way re-read your last message to him, was it in any way weird/ horrific/ off-putting? No. I bet you were communicating. His lack of response tells you he doesn’t want to communicate back but do I think that was anything to do with the quality of your message… HELL NO.
Either he wasn’t who you thought he was. Or has another situation in his life dominating his attention. Or he’s not looking to date seriously and doesn’t know how to articulate this to you.
I know it doesn’t feel like this at the moment. But it’s unlikely that he finds you weird and is rejecting you only to go and be the perfect man for someone else. As you are getting to know him, as you are working out if he’s a good guy to be in your life, then you should be looking at his communication style. This is a test of how compatible you are.
If he is flakey, unreliable, disappears and then reappears without any explanation in your life this is not your fault.
Your responsibility is to think, ‘I have a lot of things I want to do in life. I don’t need this situation de-stabilising me? There are bigger goals than needing to dream about this guy…’ and move on. You must protect yourself and make smart decisions about who is worth keeping around in your life.
So ditch the man-pleasing mentality and look after yourself.
4. How to stop this from happening ever again?
To state the obvious: we can’t control how people behave, but we can control our reactions to their behaviour.
If you find yourself getting hung up on the whole ‘will he message me?’ thing, the root cause of this is often about you choosing him too early. In short, you have a few stellar dates, and you get set on him being your man, before doing your due diligence to see if he’s got what it takes to back this up. (Side note: if this is a recurring theme for you I’d tell you to check out my workshop Commanding Love which is now available online.)
Whilst it’s okay to reach out to him, also remember that by sitting back and observing you’re not doing anything and being passive. Not all action is forwards. Taking time to observe, and wait things out, can sometimes be a very smart thing to do.
Finally for a few more words on messages to avoid sending to men head here. Stop texting men who are not responsive, pick up a phone and book yourself a nice spa day instead!
Take care of yourself, and remember no message from a man is as important as you feeling good about yourself.
Do any of these scenarios apply to you?
Scenario 1
You met a guy online and he was messaging A LOT, then the messages cooled off. You haven’t met yet IRL (in real life).
My answer – Hold your horses on any judgement until you have met him in real life and he is sitting in front of you. I can’t say this enough! Right now you don’t know enough about him to like him.
The most important factor when meeting guys online is the willingness to form a relationship offline. If he is taking ages to respond, you matched weeks ago but he’s not setting up a date, this should be turning you off. Prioritise guys who make an effort in the real world, rather than those who just have good marketing online.
Scenario 2
He was messaging, you hooked up and now he’s cooled off.
My answer – please, please, please don’t judge yourself. Don’t think that if you had held back that this guy would have somehow morphed into Prince Charming. Even if he “got what he wanted” and so has disappeared, is this really a guy you’d like to date longer-term?
If being physically intimate with a man makes you feel more attached to the outcome of that relationship, make a mental note to slow it down next time. You need to give yourself time to really understand his values before feeling attached to him.
Also BEWARE if this guy disappears and doesn’t message then re-appears and then magically pops back up with a, ‘hey how’s it going?’ No explanation. No communication. This man is the dating equivalent of a zombie invasion. You can do better.
Scenario 3
He hasn’t messaged today or yesterday and you’re freaking out.
My answer – I always think to give it a few days before committing too much worry to this. If you’ve only recently met you don’t know about all the other things that are going on in his life.
Sometimes it’s good to give it some time. Work on building your self-esteem so that he will want to reconnect with you. If he doesn’t, that is showing you that he’s not ready for the kind of relationship you want. If in doubt aeroplane mode that phone and refocus on enjoying your life.
Don’t put him at the top of your mental priority list until you know him a lot better.
What’s going on in his mind?
I know you have been told that men have to do all the chasing. So if he hasn’t texted in a few days you can start to criticise and question yourself. You must have done something wrong to put him off!
The reality is that if you want a relationship with this guy he needs to be able to communicate. Right now, it’s so early in the relationship you might not know what his communication style is. Start to have a bit more faith in yourself that he’ll be in touch, and if he isn’t, or his communication doesn’t meet your standards, then YOU can choose to let it go.
Sometimes we can spend a lot of time and energy analysing and looking for hidden levels of meaning that actually don’t exist. Not to disappoint you here but he may not have thought about this a whole lot.
Though I can say that if a man has an interest in you, and is in the right time in his life to have a relationship, he will be in touch. Like night follows day.
Try to avoid mind-reading. Instead, focus on whether this situation works for you. If he’s not being as communicative as you like this could be a sign that he’s not that invested in the relationship or you have a communication incompatibility.
Take a deep breath, and don’t over analyse just yet, everything will become clear very soon.
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