He hasn’t text in a few days
In terms of day to day stress, nothing beats meeting a great guy, having some great dates, and then him spectacularly disappearing. And you are left thinking, ‘Okay he hasn’t text in a few days, what should I do?’
It’s been 3 days, 5 days, a week and you still haven’t heard. So far you’ve done a good job of getting on with your life, you haven’t been ‘needy’ and rung him – but what next? He doesn’t seem to be chasing you.
Stop right now: in this mindset, you’re already losing.
Just to clarify if you’ve been hanging out with someone regularly, having a sexual relationship with them, and have got used to regular contact since when does it make you ‘needy’ or ‘desperate’ to get in touch if you haven’t heard in a while? I know it may feel like there’s a ton of unwritten rules for dating (especially dating in London and other big cities). This is why it’s my job as a dating coach and relationship expert to help support you in making decisions that empower you.
I know you have been told that men have to do all the chasing. So if he hasn’t text in a few days you can start to criticise and question yourself that you must have done something wrong to put him off. The reality is that if you want a relationship with this guy you need to be able to respectfully communicate. If he was to get scared off of you because you text first then he’s probably not got the right frame of mind right now to give you what you need. Not to mention, this is a big red flag!
WHAT’S GOING ON IN HIS MIND?
Not to disappoint you here but he may not have thought about this a whole lot.
Sometimes we can spend a lot of time and energy over analysing and looking for hidden levels of meaning that actually don’t exist.
Though I can say definitively that if a man is sincerely interested in you, and is in the right time in his life to have a relationship, he will be in touch. Like night follows day.
Try to avoid mind-reading. Instead, focus on whether this situation works for you. If he’s not being as communicative as you like this could be a sign that he’s just not that invested in the relationship. You have a communication incompatibility or (and this is a big one) that time will reveal so you need to hang on in there a little bit longer!
Read on for my play by play guide to what to do if he hasn’t messaged you.
P.S. You can see more dating advice videos on my YouTube channel!
Here is my game plan for you if he hasn’t text in a few days
1. First of all enact, the ‘most problems are resolved in 48 hours’ protocol.
If it has been less than a couple of days then try to not let it bother you. It is still worth letting it resolve organically. There is a good chance he is just busy and this is nothing to worry about. Get home from work, put your phone on aeroplane mode and avoid checking his WhatsApp status or social media activity. You have your own life to live. Also, think about where these feelings are coming from. Hug yourself and have trust in people to come through by texting you back.
Often when we start checking up on people (I’m thinking sending you BFF on a covert mission to watch his insta-stories, or checking when he was last online) what’s really going on is that you want CLARITY. You simply don’t have enough information to know what he’s thinking. So you try to fill in the gaps with some CSI level online checking. Part of getting more comfortable with dating is learning how to be in this unknown, where he hasn’t text you in a few days, and being okay to sit back and see how things evolve…
Sometimes by watching and waiting we get the best feedback as to whether someone is right for us. If he can go a day without talking to you, so can you.
2. Okay, 48 hours have gone by and he hasn’t text you…
You got too tempted and have seen he’s been uploading Instagram stories. Dammit.
Your mind whirls around, ‘how can he have time to upload onto Instagram and not check in on me?’
Remind yourself that you don’t lose any ‘power’ by reaching out to him. It’s a relationship it’s about teamwork, not a power play. If he seriously receives your message like ‘YAS I knew she’d text me first’ this doesn’t make you weak, it makes him an immature idiot. Get this clear in your mind. Send a message that’s light and offers something from your day – remember you are communicating in the way that feels natural to you and that builds emotional connection. If he runs from this he is unlikely to be able to offer you what you need:
“How’s your Monday? I just got in… intense but good day!”
Or send a photo (not directly of you necessarily…) saying ‘how’s your Monday. This is me *emoji*’
3. OH NO HE (STILL) HASN’T TEXT YOU BACK FOR A FEW DAYS.
You now feel bummed out that you ruined it by sending that text message (‘thanks Hayley….’). If you feel this way re-read your last message to him, was it in any way weird/ horrific/ off-putting? No. I bet you were just communicating. His lack of response tells you he doesn’t want to communicate back but do I think that was anything to do with the quality of your message… HELL NO.
Either he wasn’t who you thought he was, has another situation in his life dominating his attention. Or he’s not looking to date seriously and doesn’t know how to articulate this to you. I know it doesn’t feel like this at the moment, but it’s unlikely that he just finds you weird and is rejecting you only to go and be the perfect man for someone else. As you are getting to know him, as you are working out if he’s a good guy to be in your life, then you should be looking at his communication style as a test of how compatible you are.
If he is flakey, unreliable, disappears and then reappears without any explanation in your life this is not your fault.
Your responsibility is to think, ‘I have a lot of things I want to do in life and I don’t need this situation de-stabilising me? I have bigger goals than needing to dream about this guy…’ and move on. You must protect you and make smart decisions about who is worth keeping around in your life.
So ditch the man-pleasing mentality and look after yourself.
4. HOW TO STOP THIS FROM EVER HAPPENING AGAIN
To state the obvious: we can’t control how people behave, but we can control our reactions to their behaviour.
If you find yourself getting continually hung up on the whole ‘will he message me?’ thing, the root cause of this is often about you choosing him too early. In short, you have a few stellar dates, and you get set on him being your man, before doing your due diligence to see if he’s got what it takes to back this up. (Side note: if this is a recurring theme for you I’d highly advise you check out my workshop Commanding Love which is now available fully online.)
Whilst it’s okay to reach out to him, also remember that by sitting back and observing you’re not doing anything and being passive. Not all action is forwards. Taking time to observe, and wait things out, can sometimes be a very smart thing to do.
Finally for a few more words on messages to avoid sending to men head here. Stop texting men who are not responsive, pick up a phone and book yourself a nice spa day instead!
Take care of yourself, and remember no message from a man is as important as you feeling good about yourself.
We’ve all had guys disappear on us, periods in which he has not called or texted… If you have spent more than a moment on wishing he would JUST return that text, if you have thought he must be seeing lots of other women, or if you have picked up your phone multiple time with intention to give him a phone call its time to stop.
What you need to do is 1. don’t text if you are the last person to text, 2. book a phone call with us!
If you want to talk to me or a member of my team about how we can help you email us [email protected] We will be in touch within 48 hours 😉
Read my latest blogs in the texting series: