How important are looks to women ? If you have been googling this, I feel for you. There are few worse feelings than those of inadequacy. You feel like you don’t fit in, like you’re not what society deems to be attractive.
Maybe you feel like you’re just not the kind of guy women like so beginning to date feels like starting a race with one hand tied behind your back.
Maybe you worry that the shape of your nose, your chin, or your height means that you have been discarded – like there’s no way she can like you as you are so you better hurry up and learn some pick up artist skills to get her.
How important are looks to women is one of the most googled dating advice questions and one as a dating coach that I hear a lot. It is an out dated stereotype that it’s just women who worry about their bodies or about ageing. Never has this been more exacerbated than today when we’re living in an age of dating apps, which almost prompt us to approach love like a shopping list. To be completely clear about where I stand on this I think writing ‘tall guys only’ is pretty narrow-minded at best. For the women who think that’s an acceptable thing to write, I’d just ask them to imagine the visceral feeling they’d experience if they came across a man’s profile that read, ‘slim women only please.’
I can see how after swiping through a few ‘6 foot only!’ profiles why as a guy you may come to the conclusion that unless you conform to a specific set of standards that she just won’t like you. Next you may turn on a movie and see that the leading man just happens to always be some square jawed Caucasian guy. Then when you don’t get the response you want from a woman you like your default mindset is almost pre-disposed to be ‘it’s because I’m not good looking enough.’ You take ALL the blame on yourself; rather than recognising that her response to you is going to be so influenced by her personal history, current state of mind, and a whole range of other factors in her life that you don’t have control of. It is never all about you it just sometimes feels like it is.
That isn’t to deny how important are looks to women absolutely. Women (who are not one homogenous mass but who will each have individual opinions on this) will vary in terms of what is important to them. To some people looks will be unimportant, to others they will have flexible standards depending on the connection you have, others will only want one specific kind of guy. This is the same for how men view women. Now rather than trying to convince the uncompromising, rigid end of the dating pool to like you, focus on the women who have the maturity to value different things.
You may not initially look like the kind of guy a woman normally dates but if she takes her time to get to know you, if you show up in her life as a man of character, and when you kiss she starts to change her mind… these are so much better indicators of a WOMAN who is in the right head space to date. People with exacting standards who are looking for a checklist of criteria in someone else are approaching dating in an objectified way. Instead of experiencing people they’re judging them. Would you really want to date this person?
So instead of placing all your self worth in how ONE other person views you, validate your own sense of personal character. Also notice if you continually think a woman is ‘out of your league’ how you may also be objectifying her. Are you allowing her good looks to place her on a pedestal in your mind rather than really trying to get to know her?
Instead focus on doing things that cultivate your own sense of self-esteem: funnily enough some of these will be appearance related. How we care for ourselves is usually a pretty great indicator of our own sense of self-worth. So washing thoroughly, wearing clean, ironed clothes, taking an interest in your personal style and dressing in a way that makes you feel powerful all suggest ‘this guy values himself’. If you know you currently eat junky food, spend too much time on YouTube and could probably do with doing a deep clean on your T-Shirts this isn’t about how important are looks to women, it’s about you adequately caring for yourself. It’s about your state of mind. We all have days where hiding under a duvet and not brushing our teeth feels comforting but if this is your day to day you may want to seek extra support for your mental health. When the clouds lift and you get clearer fresh air, clean nails and green food suddenly starts looking a lot more appealing.
When you meet women you then want to organically show them that you are the kind of guy who has practiced this basic self-care. Who values himself enough to not be trying to fanatically impress anyone, who holds high standards for the women he dates, and who values his state of mind over one woman’s opinion.
The question is never how important are looks to women – it’s how important is YOUR sense of self, and how do YOU communicate that successfully to the women YOU meet.