Let him into your space?

 

The Interview

Welcome back to my Love HQ podcast where every single week I give you a different empowering message around love, sex, dating, and relationship. Here at Love HQ, we’re quite fed up with the messages that you receive as women around your approach to love and dating. The ones that tell you that you need to catch a guy or how to find the right man or when’s the right place to find love or none of this is actually helpful to you.

Joining me today to discuss one of my favourite topics- the concept of stillness. So not all action is outward going on a date every single night of the week. In fact, sometimes the best action can be inaction and self-reflection. Joining me today is a lovely lady who’s going to introduce herself to the complex pronunciation of the surname.

 

Jae

Hey, it’s lovely to be with you today. And so my name is Jay Ruax. It’s Malaysian and just a little bit tricky to pronounce. I run a marketing company and events around inspiring a feminine lifestyle in the city.

 

Hayley

Okay, amazing. So what are the causes that you think you’re most passionate about when it comes to women in the space of love and dating?

 

Jae

I think there’s loads of different angles and kind of perspectives. But mostly, it’s about being authentic to yourself and not feeling you have to feed into what the media tells you or anything external. I mean, men and women are very different biologically, we’re different. And I think you just have to accept that. There’s nothing you can do about that.  Just be a woman and be proud of being a woman.

 

Hayley

And what kind of messages? Because I was flipping through Grazia magazine earlier today. And I like to read it just because I’m like, No, look at that message. It’s so bad. And that message that was in it today that was about Beyonce’s marriage to Jay-Z. Which I’m sure some clever PR company has carefully constructed for ages. And that message was Beyonce’s new album is the ultimate feminist answer to Jay-Z’s cheating.

I don’t know if it’s her publicist or someone else’s publicist that’s created this story. But if you take a step back from it,  first of all, there’s an implication there that the whole purpose of her life and being the creator of the material that she wants to put out in the world is to do with her husband’s infidelity. And that’s what we’re choosing to speak about. And that’s what’s filled up all of these column inches.

Now, hang on a second, surely there’s more to being a woman or more to create a piece of art than what it means about the man that you’re within your life. And I think actually, most stories that we tell ourselves that we hear, in fact, there’s an I think, even a Hollywood principle, which talks about how few films are produced, where you have two women alone by themselves having a conversation, which does not involve the subject of a man in their lives. And it’s actually extremely few films abide by that. So when it comes to romantic myths and misconceptions about that women can just kind of absorb about love and dating. What’s one of the ones that you think stands out? Or is particularly misleading?

 

Jae

Like a myth?

 

Hayley

Yeah, like a myth. I think there are lots of myths that sneakily lie beneath the surface. So my example of a myth would be if you’re thinking about the narrative of most stories, right? Let’s look at that. So a lot of the time, man meets a woman or woman meets man, then there’s some kind of big problem at the beginning of the relationship. He doesn’t want to be with her. But then he goes away, and sorts himself out and then comes back and fights for the women.

I think obviously when it comes to something like that, the subtext for that is basically is: that’s the kind of relationship we should expect that it’s not gonna be easy. It’s not gonna be communicative. And in fact, that, you know, he just, you know, he’s going to go off, he’s going to do some soul searching, and he’s going to come back and win me back and be perfect. And in fact, all of that is wrong. In fact, it creates an expectation that the beginning of a relationship should be difficult, that he’s going to be naturally avoidant, that he’s going to have to sort some stuff out, but then when he comes back, it will be perfect forever.

 

Jae

I think it flows. It’s just about believing in love. There’s no magical formula. You just need to be yourself and love his love. If he’s meant to be with you, then he will. It’s not about him going away and winning you back. It’s much more simple than that. You can’t coax a man into doing something that he doesn’t want to do.

Looking back men are hunters. So when they see something they want, they’re gonna go fight for it, and they’re gonna go and get it from themselves. And if they don’t want it, then they’re not going to do that. So I think men are quite possessive in that sense that if they want a woman, then they will fight for it.

 

Hayley

What do you think makes a man want a woman though? Because you say hunters that they see something? And that’s reducing us to just being visual now.

 

Jae

No, not at all. I think it’s a connection. If a man can see in a woman that this woman can cater for me. She can love me, she can look after me, she can be a wife. I think that’s what it is. If he sees that there is something that she can bring to his life. Not an end in any sense, like superficial, like the way that she looks, I think then he won’t let it go.

It’s more about being yourself, and about finding a connection. It’s about the women, it’s about knowing what you want in a man. So like, actually soul searching, looking at yourself and thinking, you know, what, on a deep level in a partner, do I need to fulfil me? It’s not as simple as it’s about things like, emotionally like, what do I need? Am I emotional? Or do I just need someone to leave me alone? Or what do I do on the weekend? What kind of life do I want? What kind of partner Do I need to make me happy?

 

Hayley

Right? But don’t you feel it’s a bit uncomfortable to think about a guy thinking that he’s selecting a wife on grounds that she can cater to him and fill his needs.

 

Jae

But I think a man needs to cater to a woman too? In modern-day feminism, that message has slightly been lost in the sense that we’re supposed to love each other. It’s not supposed to be a race of power and control. Although, yes, a woman needs to hold her own. And she needs to be strong. 

 

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