Love advice from a porn star

Being in control of your sexuality

 

As you know, I like to redress love from the female perspective. This means I think love has not been set up or designed with us in mind at all. It’s all about getting the guy, catching him and keeping him and I think this is depressing and redundant. And actually screws you up in your chances of meeting someone awesome and building the kind of relationships that you want. So we’re going to take a completely different perspective on this for the first time. It’s going to actually empower you and honour you. Now joining me today is the lovely Alia Janine. She is a former porn star turned comedian and podcaster. I would say she’s in control of her sexuality and sexual presence.

 

The Interview with a former porn star

 

Alia

Definitely. It took some work, but everything takes some work. Over the years, I have gained confidence in my sexuality, found out exactly who I am. What I like, how I like it. A lot of that had to do with porn, some of it not.

 

Hayley

I want to get pearls of wisdom basically, feeling comfortable saying what you want sexually and potentially trying out some different kinds of relationship styles. Because get this- if this was a man’s podcast, we’ll be all over talking about Should I date multiple women? How do you go about it? How do you say you don’t want commitment? And in women’s podcast land, I get it.

There’s not just one way or model of getting what you want. If you want security, if you want to be surrounded by guys that actually worship you and think you’re super cool. There are different mechanisms for achieving that. There’s not just one model. And this is something that’s more explicitly talked about, with guys. As women, if we can just kind of get more a bit more comfortable with not getting so hell-bent on one kind of outcome or one…

 

Alia

Just having that one idea of that one guy and be like, this is the man that I need to marry. And this is how many kids I need to have. This is the house that I need to live in. And this is the car that I have to drive you’re gonna go insane.

 

Hayley

Also, life sometimes likes to give you the exact opposite. So if you really want that, the key is to wish for fun and frivolity and open relationships. Well, that was because life challenges you to accept what you’re given and enjoy it and take pleasure from it. So when you’re in that zone of I had this amazing quote. It’s a Sheryl Sandberg one, which is: Be the walker, not the dog.

So the dog is there right with its lead. And it’s like, please take me on a walk. Please love me now. You want to be the walk, you want to say this is the direction I’m going in with my life. And if you do that, and if you do it powerfully enough, then it creates this thing where you lift yourself out of the space of need, and you start to have your own kind of gravitational pull towards guys.

 

Alia

And people will be attracted to that. Because people sense things. They get a sense if you’re thirsty. They sense what you’re looking for. And that terrifies some guys. Sometimes even some women really. That’s why their shows like Bridezilla.

 

Hayley

Take ownership of what you want. You can’t but it, you can’t get it on tap. This is the caveat to that you’re totally allowed to have whatever you want. But human relationships are not something you can check out every 24 hours. Yeah, and if you all constantly, and this was definitely me, I think I’ve met the one. 

 

Alia

I used to do that with every single guy- he was the one at some point in time. Jonathan Brandis was gonna be the one- that didn’t happen.

 

Hayley

If you’re in that zone, where you’re like, Oh, you know, you keep thinking. It’s about that space of being able to exit one a need and actually part of the process of doing that sometimes, I think can be experiencing different kinds of relationships. I actually feel like it did me a lot of good to try a whole bunch of different ways.

 

 

Rest of the interview can be heard on the link below!

 

If you would like to hear more about sex and fantasies there is a great interview I did with several women! On the topic of sexual confidence read this blog!