Why Can’t I Find Love – 4 Mindsets That Stop You Finding Love
Why Can’t I Find Love – 4 Mindsets That Stop You Finding Love
It is EASY to blame modern dating. To say that people don’t want commitment anymore.
To promise yourself that you don’t need anyone else: you don’t but it’s okay to want them. What is HARD to do is to admit that you could try harder, or that you need to work on the barriers that exist inside of yourself that are holding you back.
I have just finished coaching on my women’s dating bootcamp Going Renegade. What surprises me EVERY TIME about teaching this course is despite it being very practical (think getting men to approach you all weekend everywhere from Wholefoods to rooftop bars) it usually reveals a lot of limiting beliefs. These are beliefs that you hold that actively get in the way of you getting what you want.
I know this sounds a bit woo-woo but I do believe that the actions we take are being motivated from somewhere. So if you find yourself self sabotaging, being overly dismissive of your dates, or just never having enough energy to go and meet someone… then it will probably be down to something that’s going on for YOU not what’s happening in the outside world.
Sure modern dating has changed, but people still meet one another, and form relationships, and fall in love. If that’s not happening for you right now I want you to be really honest with yourself, is it really because there’s no men left, or is it because you believe people aren’t attracted to you, or if they are they just want one thing? Or do you find it hard to receive attention? Or are you so self reliant that you’re not letting anyone in?
(And just so I don’t sound too sanctimonious here – I have definitely felt all of these things. I have been so harsh in my judgements that I couldn’t like anyone, so hung up on someone that they were all I saw, and so insecure that I felt unattactive. We are all human and no one is immune to these feelings.)
So even if you’re 50/50 with me on this, and aren’t sure you agree with what I’m saying, I’d encourage you to read to the end, just in case there’s something you identify with.
Why Can’t I Find Love – Mindset 1: You accept less than what you want and justify it.
By this I don’t mean compromise, compromise is good! HOWEVER, is there someone you like who has explicitly told you they can’t give you what you want? Are you holding out for them anyway?
As Maya Angelou would say, ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.’
I want you to ask yourself today – are you justifying continuing to see someone even though you know they can’t give you what they want?
Are you telling yourself you’re cool with something casual when in fact you know your feelings are more?
(Also on this note it is OKAY to not be cool with casual sex, just as much as it is OKAY to be cool with it. You are not somehow failing modern womanhood to be clear about what you want.)
I know it can be scary saying ‘no’, as something somehow always feels superior to nothing; but actually when you are okay to leave some space in your life, something new will turn up.
You often have to say no to feel that you are deserving of something better.
Why Can’t I Find Love – Mindset 2: You are totally uncomfortable being the centre of attention.
Always pushing your friends to the front? Putting other people first? Feel like you would rather die than catwalk into a party and smile at the guy you like?
Something that immediately jumps out when I’m coaching Going Renegade is if a woman is comfortable to receive attention: a lot are not. I believe this is because we have a negative image around receiving attention or, rather, being an attention seeker. So let’s get this clear, whilst of course nothing quite screams ‘low self esteem’ than needing attention at all costs, it is also OKAY to receive compliments, to allow people to help you out and to be up front and centre when the time allows.
If you can’t hold eye contact and smile, or if you constantly negate your own needs, or even physically step back when a guy approaches so he can talk to your friend (!) you need to work on your ability to RECEIVE attention.
Why Can’t I Find Love – Mindset 3: You are totally fine solo and no one will ever be good enough for you.
Self-reliance is a beautiful thing. Having your own economic security, your own friends, hobbies and interests adds stability to your life. It makes it easier to say no to behaviour that isn’t quite good enough. However, there is a big difference between that and holding a belief that no one will ever be good enough.
If you think you’ll never find someone who truly gets you, who is on your level, then I would ask yourself what you’re protecting? I have been guilty of this myself, but there is an arrogance in ‘no one can see me’; an arrogance that is standing like a big bully in front of your vulnerability.
People who are the ones you want to keep around, they will make the effort everyday to get to know you better; but this only works if you’re okay to be open minded enough in return to value their efforts.
Try to date out of type, to find things in people you love, and to be curious about others. It is okay to take your time, but if someone keeps making consistent effort to get to know you (and you think they are quite nice or quite a good person) consider letting them in a bit more.
Why Can’t I Find Love – Mindset 4: You don’t believe you are loveable.
You are too old. You waited too long. You should be thinner. You will start dating again once you’ve seen a PT.
I am not here to deny that the world around us can send us some horrible messages around our attractiveness and what that means for dating. I also know sometimes people can be cruel, and tell you that you need to look different. Health is important, but it is simply not true that we all have to look like some cookie cutter of attractiveness.
For starters if someone tells you that you need to lose weight, get a boob job etc, then they are knocking you down because they fear if they build you up then you will leave them: it is their own insecurities you’re hearing, so don’t take them on!
Secondly as a dating coach who also works with men I can tell you GUARANTEED that people are attracted to all shapes and sizes. I can also tell you that we are often our own worst critics when it comes to our looks, and that our assumptions that skinny = attractive are just that, assumptions.
Take it from me, if they ask you on a date, they are attracted to you. So you can rest easy about that: and start focusing on whether they’re good enough for you 😉
So if you’ve been thinking, ‘why can’t I find love?’ it may be time to stop the external search and start to look inwardness to what barriers exist only in your own mind between you and what you secretly-not-so-secretly want.
Read my other blog on the real reasons you’re still single if you want to find out more about how you are holding yourself back, and what to do about it!