Why Can’t I Find Love
4 Mindsets That Stop You To Find Love & Make It EASY To Blame Modern Dating.
Over the years of working as a dating coach with women, once of the most asked questions has been: Why can’t I find love? And what kept leapt out at me time and time again is the idea that it isn’t that…
- There’s no men left (or women if that’s who you like!)
- Or that modern dating has ruined everything
BUT that it is our own mindset and insecurities around dating that consistently hold us back.
The trick is you have to stop COMPLAINING about the red herring that is ‘modern dating has ruined everything’ and start to take your POWER back by recognising what is in your control: which is your state of mind.
It is easy to say you cannot find love because people don’t want commitment anymore. To promise yourself that you don’t need anyone else: you don’t but it’s okay to want them. What is HARD to do is to admit that you could try harder. Or that you need to work on the barriers that exist inside of yourself that are holding you back.
Theory in practice
I have just finished coaching on my women’s dating boot camp Going Renegade. What surprises me EVERY TIME about teaching this course is despite it being very practical (think getting men to approach you all weekend everywhere from Wholefoods to rooftop bars) it usually reveals a lot of limiting beliefs. These are beliefs that you hold that actively get in the way of you getting what you want.
I know this sounds a bit woo-woo but I do believe that the actions we take are being motivated from somewhere. So if you find yourself self-sabotaging, being overly dismissive of your dates, or just never having enough energy to go and meet someone… then it will probably be down to something that’s going on for YOU not what’s happening in the outside world.
Be honest with yourself
Sure modern dating has changed. But people still meet one another and form relationships and fall in love. If that’s not happening for you right now I want you to be honest with yourself. Is it really because there are no men left? Or is it because you believe people aren’t attracted to you, or if they are they just want one thing? Do you believe that no one wants a committed relationship? Maybe you find it hard to receive attention? Are you so self-reliant that you’re not letting anyone in?
(And just so I don’t sound too sanctimonious here – I have felt all of these things. I have been so harsh in my judgements that I couldn’t like anyone. So hung up on someone that they were all I saw, and so insecure that I felt unattractive. We are all human and no one is immune to these feelings.)
So even if you’re 50/50 with me on this, and aren’t sure you agree with what I’m saying, I’d encourage you to read to the end. Just in case there’s something you identify with.
Why Can’t I Find Love – Mindset 1: You accept less than what you want and justify it.
By this, I don’t mean compromise. Compromise is good! HOWEVER, is there someone you like who has explicitly told you they can’t give you what you want? Are you holding out for them anyway?
As Maya Angelou would say, ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.’
I want you to ask yourself today – are you justifying continuing to see someone even though you know they can’t give you what you want?
Are you telling yourself you’re cool with something casual when in fact you know your feelings are more?
(Also on this note it is OKAY to not be cool with casual sex, just as much as it is OKAY to be cool with it. You are not somehow failing modern womanhood to be clear about what you want.)
I know it can be scary saying ‘no’, as something somehow always feels superior to nothing. But, when you are okay to leave some space in your life, something new will turn up.
You often have to say no to feel that you are deserving of something better.
Why Can’t I Find Love – Mindset 2: You are uncomfortable being the centre of attention.
Always pushing your friends to the front? Putting other people first? Feel like you would rather die than catwalk into a party and smile at the guy you like? You are fine to be friendly to someone but flirting makes you cringe. You are okay being in ‘friend gear’ with someone but if you try to send a signal to someone you like you feel awkward and clumsy about it. Basically like you’re 13 years old with braces and Take That is on your minidisc player all over again.
Something that immediately jumps out when I’m coaching Going Renegade is if a woman is comfortable to receive attention: a lot are not. I believe this is because we have a negative image around receiving attention or, rather, being an attention seeker. So let’s get this clear, whilst of course, nothing quite screams ‘low self-esteem’ than needing attention at all costs, it is also OKAY to receive compliments. To allow people to help you out and to be upfront and centre when the time allows.
If you can’t hold eye contact and smile, or if you constantly negate your own needs, or even physically step back when a guy approaches so he can talk to your friend (!) you need to work on your ability to RECEIVE attention.
Why Can’t I Find Love – Mindset 3: You are totally fine solo and no one will ever be good enough for you.
Self-reliance is a beautiful thing. Having your economic security, your friends, hobbies and interests add stability to your life. It makes it easier to say no to behaviour that isn’t quite good enough. However, there is a big difference between that and holding a belief that no one will ever be good enough.
If you think you’ll never find someone who truly gets you, who is on your level, then I would ask yourself what you’re protecting? I have been guilty of this myself, but there is an arrogance in ‘no one can see me’. An arrogance that is standing like a big bully in front of your vulnerability.
Selecting who to date based on check box criteria ‘degree: check, professional career: check’ rather than knowing the kind of personalities who truly click with you and make you feel supported and cared for. It’s about objectifying him less and connecting more.
People who you want to keep around will make the effort every day to get to know you better. But this only works if you’re okay to be open-minded enough in return to value their efforts.
Try to date out of type, to find things in people you love, and to be curious about others. It is okay to take your time. But if someone keeps making consistent effort to get to know you (and you think they are quite nice or quite a good person) consider letting them in a bit more.
Why Can’t I Find Love – Mindset 4: You don’t believe you are loveable.
You are too old. It’s too late, you waited too long. You should be thinner. You will start dating again once you’ve seen a PT.
I am not here to deny that the world around us can send us some horrible messages around our attractiveness and what that means for dating. I also know sometimes people can be cruel, and tell you that you need to look different. Health is important, but it is simply not true that we all have to look like some cookie-cutter of attractiveness.
For starters, if someone tells you that you need to lose weight, get a boob job etc, then they are knocking you down because they are afraid. They fear that if they build you up then you will leave them. It is their insecurities you’re hearing, so don’t take them on!
Secondly, as a dating coach who also works with men, I can tell you GUARANTEED that people are attracted to all shapes and sizes. I can also tell you that we are often our own worst critics when it comes to our looks. Our assumptions that skinny = attractive are just that, assumptions.
Take it from me, if they ask you on a date, they are attracted to you. So you can rest easy about that: and start focusing on whether they’re good enough for you 😉
So if you’ve been thinking, ‘why can’t I find love?’ it may be time to stop the external search and start to look inwardness. Look to what barriers exist only in your mind between you and what you secretly-not-so-secretly want.
If you feel like you might be self sabotaging, or that your expectations end up leaving you feeling hurt, then I would take a read. If any of these four mindsets resonate with you hit reply and let me know which one it is, or share it with a friend who needs to hear it.
Read my other blog on the real reasons you’re still single if you want to find out more about how you are holding yourself back, and what to do about it!