If apps feel like a waste of time, you're not wrong. Dating apps promise convenience. But if you’re dating in your 40s as a man, they often deliver the opposite: frustration, flakiness, and dead-end conversations that go nowhere. This can knock your confidence and leave you feeling rejected. However there is another way :)
As a dating coach with over 15 years experience helping men like you, in this blog I’ll share:
- Why dating apps feel broken (especially at this stage of life)
- Why in-person dating actually works better for men over 40
- And how to shift your dating strategy without feeling like you're starting over
🚫 Why Dating Apps Are Failing You (And Men Like You)
1. You’re Not Marketing Yourself To Attract The Women You Want
At this point in life, you probably know a lot about who you are; but you may not know how to market yourself to the women you want. You may not have very many photos of yourself full stop (it’s vain and awkward right?) Whilst dating apps demand perfect photos. You may not know how to write prompts that are the right mix of sincere and fun, without sounding like every other guy out there. You might be overlooked for not being flashy, ultra-online, or chasing trends. It's not a reflection of your value—just the design.
2. ….And Even If You Do, You’re Facing Stiff Competition
Even if you get great photos, write witty prompts and use AI to craft messages… so has every other guy out there. Dating apps are saturated and often have a user base that’s two-thirds male. They’re the digital equivalent of walking into a bar and there’s 2 men for every woman. Inevitably this means women get overwhelmed, and many men never get a shot. Some studies place the average match rate for men at 0.6% - meaning they have to like (and message) 140 profiles to get a match! Then you have to get from match to a first date, second, third. When you look at the hard stats, the results are shockingly low. The important point for you is not to see this as a reflection on your worth, and attractiveness; as a man over 40 this is just the state of play on dating apps.
3. You Get Filtered Out—Before You’re Even Seen
With age settings on dating apps, many women will filter you out, even if you look and feel great. It’s just human nature: If a woman is given an age range to select between, she’ll often cut off at milestone birthdays for example, if she’s 32 she may select 32-39, and lose all the matches over 40. In reality if you met her in person, and you had a great connection, it’s likely that she wouldn’t care that you’re a couple of years older than she had imagined her ideal partner to be. I’ve coached many men who have seen a drop over in their dating app matches after they’ve gone over 40, and an even sharper decline after 45.
4. The Effort Doesn’t Equal the Return
How many times have you spent 30 minutes writing a message, only to get ghosted? For mature men, this feels inefficient—because it is. Your time and energy are better spent in places where connection happens organically. Not only do dating apps pose lots of problems for men who are 40+ in terms of getting onto a date, even if you get there, the process doesn’t feel that rewarding. Instead, successful dating as a man in his 40s boils down to doing the harder thing (getting out of your house to meet women in real life) to make your life easier (better connections, more dates and a better all round experience.)
✅ Why IRL Dating Works Better for Men Over 40
1. Your Strengths Show Up in Person
It’s well known that women aren’t that visual in how they experience attraction and choose partners. The bad news is that dating apps are like window shopping, and they often prompt people to rely on choosing people who look like their type. The good news is, once you cut out the middle man and meet her in person, all of your other strengths that create attraction can register with her. In real life, your tone, humor, eye contact, and presence carry weight. Women pick up on energy, maturity, and warmth—things that just don’t translate through a screen.
Apps hide your strengths. In-person reveals them.
2. You Stand Out from the Crowd
Most men your age aren’t showing up at community events, dance classes, or wine tastings. If you are? You instantly stand out—not just because you’re present, but because you’re engaged. How do I know this? I work with women too! Women in their 30s and 40s often spend a lot of time wondering where you are hiding! The truth is, most men over 40 have let their social circles shrink (it’s just not the same as when you went to college) and their few remaining friends are coupled up. Losing your wingmen means your “social life” might revolve around going to work, hitting the gym, and catching up 1-1 with old friends. You don’t need a dating coach to point out that this isn’t getting you in front of enough women!
3. Shared Context Creates Natural Chemistry
When you meet someone at a concert, on a hike, or through mutual friends, you're already sharing something meaningful. That’s miles better than “So, what do you do?” over an app chat that fizzles out. Most people find it easier, and more natural, to verbally communicate rather than try to portray their personality on a dating app. Also when I ask women how they would ideally like to meet their partner - through friends is the dream. Meet her through your social circles and you get an automatic boost in terms of how seriously she’ll consider your connection. For women, meeting a guy on an app is a boobie prize: Instead she wants her friends to be telling her about a great guy she must meet. This also translates neatly to her effort levels: Anything less than a spark filled first date will get you ruled out on an app, however if you’ve met in person she’ll be more willing to give it a shot.
4. You Avoid the Ghosting/Game Playing Trap
In real life, conversations are humanized. There’s more mutual respect, less game-playing, and fewer people disappearing mid-conversation. Women in their 30s have some experience with dating. This can mean they’re finely tuned to what they want, and don’t want. Dating apps are highly impersonal and don’t create a sense of safety for her when you meet. This means one message that slips up in its tone can lead her to freak out and unmatch or block you. Whilst this is also her responsibility to be less judgemental, people tend to give others more mutual respect and flexibility when you have a real world connection.
What if you don’t have much relationship experience?
Before we look at how to meet women in real life it’s worth addressing, “how does this differ if you’re dating as a man in his 40s with little experience?” As a single guy in his 40s you might:
- Have tons of dating experience and be clearer than ever about what you want.
- Returning to dating after a divorce, or long term relationship, and feeling like you’ve missed out on a big chunk of dating experience.
- Have reached this life stage without yet having a significant relationship, and are worried this reflects badly on you.
To start with, regardless of your relationship experience, the same rules apply! Dating as a man in his 40s will be easier for you to focus IRL rather than online. Secondly, however you made your journey to being 40 - you’ve got to own it. Even if you don’t have much dating experience, in your 40s you will have greater knowledge of who you are, be more experienced generally, and an attractive choice for women who value maturity and stability in a partner.
💡 What to Do Instead (How to Date IRL Without Making It Awkward)
1. Put Yourself Where Connection Can Happen
Go to places where you're likely to meet women who match your interests and values. Meeting women in person also creates a filter - it takes a lot more effort for her to show up at an event, versus simply putting a profile online. Here’s some of my favourite spots for you to meet women:
- Fitness studios (yoga, pilates, group hikes, spin, bouldering, social dance.)
- Cooking classes or wine tastings
- Singles, networking and speed dating events
- Bars that professionals will attend to catch an after work drink.
- Volunteering or spiritual groups
- Live music, art walks, or talks
Pro tip: You might worry that some of the women you meet will already be in relationships. This is true - about two-thirds of women will already be partnered up, and of the single women only roughly half will be actively looking to meet someone. However, the fact she has the time to show up to an event, means it’s less likely that she already has a partner/ family. The other thing to remember is, even if she’s already coupled up, that you can still have a mutually rewarding, fun, sociable conversation with her… and she may even have a friend she’s keen to introduce you to.
2. Don’t Just Show Up - Say Something!
Even if you’re regularly showing up at tons of well targeted events, simply showing up won’t be enough. Women aren’t that visual (i.e. she’s unlikely to find you super attractive before you’ve spoken to her) and also women won’t be proactive (i.e. she’s unlikely to start a conversation with you.) Now, you may wish she did come over and speak to you, but if you wait on a clear signal - you’ll be leaving a lot of potential dates on the table. Instead, time to get on board with how fun it can be to initiate. Here’s two simple ways to get started with this:
Be direct at singles, or speed dating events. If you’re at an event and you already know you’re both single, then there’s less need to tread carefully - instead strategic boldness will set you apart from the other men in the room. Recently one of my coaching clients went to a singles event, and saw one woman he really wanted to speak to. A perfect moment didn’t arise, so before he left he took his chance by walking right up to her and saying, “I know I’m interrupting your conversation, but I didn’t want to leave this event without coming over and introducing myself…” (Yup, terrifying but also the stuff of romantic movies.) He was in a rush so wrapped up quickly by saying, “I’d like to get to know you better, and talk more another time. My taxi’s waiting, but let me grab your number.”
Be socially smooth if you meet a woman through a hobby or fitness activity. Whilst bold and daring pays off at singles events, smooth and sociable is a better shout when you’re not sure why a woman is there. Approach a woman boldly at the gym and it may seriously backfire! Instead start a chat based on something you see or experience (how busy it is, the instructor, the music playing). If she’s receptive, swap names. If you continue speaking, swap social media. A subtler approach will allow you to feel out opportunities in a socially intelligent and attractive way.
3. Say Yes to More Invitations & Don’t Be Afraid To Ask (Seriously)
Most men over 40 shrink their social circles. Flip that. Say yes to dinner parties, reunions, events. Even if there’s no one you’re interested in—you’re practicing connection. It also will help your social life to gain momentum. Be the guy who not only says “yes” to invites but is a solid value add to social gatherings: Man the BBQ, organise the playlist, help clear the dishes, relay a great anecdote, be a fantastic listener.
This will increase how socially attractive you are, you’ll make new friends, gather more invites, and eventually meet women who are single through your social circles!
Also don’t shy away from asking for introductions. This isn’t cheesy—it’s smart. Tell a few trusted people:
“I’m open to meeting someone great. If someone comes to mind, I’d love the introduction.”
Women trust referrals. And your friends likely know women who are single but done with apps too.
4. Build Confidence in Your Real-Life Skills
If it’s been a while, practice small talk. Learn to show warmth. Smile more. Start a few low-stakes conversations in line at the café or at the gym.
You're not trying to "pick up" women—you're showing that you're approachable and curious. That’s rare and attractive. If you focus too heavily on your goal of meeting a woman, it’s going to be easy to register the initial steps you take as failures, rather than successes. Instead your first goal is to work on your process and give yourself a ton of credit for the work you put in.
Here are some simple initial goals that are achievable and realistic:
- Research real life dating venues and events that work for you (don’t be disheartened if a few events you go to are duds, this is part of your refinement process.)
- Checkout chit chat: This means whenever you have the opportunity you start a small social conversation with the people you meet in your everyday life.
- Swap in woman-friendly hobbies: Drop one free weights session for a spin class. It’s okay to change up your schedule slightly to give you more opportunities.
- Work from a co-working space or cafe rather than from your home.
- Focus on paying compliments and making her day. It takes time to learn how to get great at talking to women in real life, to start with focusing on breaking the ice.
- Say “yes” to any social invitations, and if you hear other people discussing a get together be proactive and ask to come along!
- Remember you are a guy who has a lot to offer - so when you talk to a woman you add to her day, and you don’t take away from it.
👊 The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything
Instead of chasing attention on apps, shift your mindset to:
- Creating opportunities for connection
- Being present and open in your daily life
- Enjoying the process, not forcing the outcome
This isn't about "trying harder." It’s about showing up in ways that naturally highlight your strengths.
As a man over 40, your calm confidence, values, and experience shine in person. That’s where you build trust. That’s where you connect. That’s where dating gets interesting again.
It takes bravery to build a new routine, and to talk to attractive women in real life; but it’s also far more rewarding and successful. So quit outsourcing your self esteem to dating apps, and start embracing just how attractive you can be as a man over 40 dating in real life.
If you're over 40 and ready to actually enjoy dating again, I can help. As a dating coach, I work with men who want something real—and are done wasting time on the apps.
