Many men in their 30s feel stuck with dating apps: They’re time consuming, unrewarding, and with a miniscule average match rate of 0.6% just not that effective!
Add to this that even once you’ve matched with her, you need to message her, ask her out, and have a great date before you’ve truly moved past square 1 on the dating board: It can feel like a Herculean amount of effort for little reward.
However, if you can be courageous there is another way - meeting women in real life. Today I’m going to share with you 6 habits you can build into your daily life to start switching on this channel to meeting women (Side note: ladies, if you’ve stumbled upon this blog, a lot will work equally well for you.)
As a dating coach with 15+ years experience teaching people to meet one another in real life, I’m also not going to tell you to take up a hobby :) Let’s get granular on the exact tools you need to meet women offline, in a way that’s natural and realistic. Want real-world dating skills? Start with a dating coach today.
Habit 1: Change Your Routine To Meet Women Offline
As a guy in your 30s, chances are your social world has shrunk. You won’t have the same easy opportunities to meet people, as you did in your college days. Plus friends have started to get coupled up and your routine may have become gym, commute, work, repeat; hardly ideal for attracting women in real life.
The big habit change? Try one new class/ venue a week.
If you always go to the same places, you’ll always see the same people. Instead by setting a target of going to one new place a week your world will open up.
I’ve written an extensive blog about the exact places where you need to go to meet women in real life as a beginner however here’s another short list of ideas about where you can spend your time:
- Singles events: Speed dating, lock and key parties and mixers. (Warning: these events can often cancel through low attendance, so be prepared to dig through some options.)
- Networking events: TimeLeft suppers, public speaking groups, and general networking aren’t explicitly for singles, but attract a high number of singles.
- COED fitness: ClassPass is your friend, moonlight at different fitness classes until you find your sweet spot. Social dance classes, bouldering socials and CrossFit will also usually attract a good mix of single men and women.
- Bookstores, gyms, cool cafes, bars and coworking spaces can also all be fruitful places to meet new women… you just have to be bold enough to break the ice (in a socially appropriate way.)
Habit 2: Be Present—Ditch the Headphones and Phone
Technology has become a social crutch. How often do you go somewhere new and when you get there spend the whole time scrolling your phone, or disconnecting to the outside world with earbuds? This creates a double negative for your dating life. Women rarely make the first move, but if she was even considering it, seeing you preoccupied will be a big block to her starting a conversation with you.
Being over reliant on technology also distracts you from your core goal: meeting women in real life.
The big habit change? When you arrive at a venue (whether that’s a gym class, or rooftop bar) keep your phone away, or face down in front of you. Remove any earbuds or headphones.
It sounds small, but a stepping stone to starting conversations with women in real life, is noticing more opportunities and signs in the world around you. Even if you don’t quite talk to her yet, if you see an attractive woman swapping eye contact with you it will help you to start mentally working through how you could start a chat with her. (Side note: This often feels way more rewarding than meeting a woman on an app too!)
Habit 3: Break the Ice Once a Day
The step up from noticing opportunities, is of course taking them! If you can do the two simple action steps, or go to new places, and start conversations this will change your life.
Of course this is way easier said than done, and many men I coach feel a strong resistance around starting conversations:
- “I don’t want to interrupt her…”
- “I don’t know what to say…”
- “I don’t have a good reason to speak to her…”
The list goes on and on! Bottom line, most “good guys” are considerate to such a fault that they become totally invisible to women. You also might believe that you need a perfect opening line to succeed, you don’t!
The big habit change? Start one social conversation a day with a stranger.
Your opening line doesn’t need to be witty or smooth, it just needs to serve the purpose of getting the conversation started. Remember being James Bond smooth is an unrealistically high bar to set yourself, when you’re beginning to improve in this area.
A super simple formula to help you start a chat is Observation → Share.
Use the conversation starter, “I like how you are…I…” then fill in the blanks! For example:
“I like how you’re spending a ton of time deliberating your coffee order. I’m a creature of habit and always get the…”
“I like how you gave that class 100%, I feel I was at 40% today…”
“I like how you’re reading a real book, I can’t concentrate in cafes so I’ve swapped to podcasts…”
Saying this in the moment may also be a leap too far (it’s stressful talking to attractive women in person!) so remember you can say “hi”, or “how’s it going…” or any simple thing. Here it’s not about perfection, it’s the getting started that counts.
Habit 4: Carry a Conversation Starter (Props Work!)
Women won’t usually initiate a conversation, but if you build natural conversation starters into how you dress, and what you carry, it sure helps her to get started!
The big habit change? Every time you leave the house, have something you carry or wear that people can comment on.
Of course balance quirkiness with style. Wearing a bizarre costume may start conversations, but make it hard for anyone to see you as a serious romantic prospect. Instead here’s some ideas that could work:
- A paperback book. Immediately shows some of your interests, and is a really easy conversation starter if someone wants to talk to you. Bonus points for getting a bicep workout from carrying it around all day.
- Cool laptop stickers - just don’t go OTT and end up looking like a student.
- A boardgame that you can carry around with you; Travel scrabble to UNO work well here!
- Sportswear that peacocks. You may keep your office look cool and professional, but could you choose louder colours for your sportswear?
- Cool accessories: Patterned scarves, cravats, hats, can all look chic!
Wearing or carrying something that helps you to stand out also helps you to anchor the “I’m single and ready to mingle” mindset.
Habit 5: Share Your Real Opinions (With Warmth)
A common mistake is to think that you build a conversation with women in real life by asking her questions. Unfortunately questions like, “so where did you get that bag from?” or “where are you off to today?” don’t land well with women. Instead of coming across as polite and focused on her, you’ll be met with a confused look of, “why does this guy care?”
The big habit change? Instead of asking her a question right away, share something about yourself.
Sharing builds trust and there’s an implicit rule in conversations that she will reciprocate how open you are with her. So it’s time to ditch the faux politeness of interviewing her, and instead after you break the ice, offer some details about who you are that build trust and curiosity. For example:
“So where are you off to today?” → “I don’t know about you but I’ve still got an hour to go…”
“What are you up to this weekend?” → “You look like you might be much more of a social butterfly than me, for me the perfect weekend is fitness, food and boxset focused.”
“So where do you live?” → “I don’t know about you but I’m based over in… but I love this gym class so much I make the journey.”
“What do you do?” → “I don’t know about you but I really love getting out on the weekend after a long week of work. I’m in tech so it’s a little antisocial!”
Habit 6: Move Things Forward With Confidence
Remember whilst attraction is your reason to approach her, if there’s no connection with her, there’s no date! The ideal way to meet women in the real world is to combine great habits of checking out new places, with starting conversations, opening up first to connect with her, then if (and only if) you gel being bold enough to ask for her contact details then and there.
The big habit change? Being bold enough to ask for her number then and there.
Don’t put all these other powerful habits into place then fall at the last hurdle by not believing in yourself and asking for her contact details.
Particularly if you’ve met at a networking or speed dating event the temptation can be to think, “I’ll find her online after the event.” This feels safer but is way less effective than asking her out then and there. Women will feel lukewarm about messages they receive online, but the guy who asks her out face to face? That will create a lot of attraction. Women value men who are respectful and decisive. Plus it’s great for you to get an answer!
At the end of the chat with her clearly say, “it’s been great chatting to you, let me get your number?” It will feel absolutely nail biting at the moment, but trust me, is a ton more effective than ticking a “match” box after an event or trying to find her on social media.
So meeting women in real life is more than possible, but it will require consistent effort and some changes to how you go about your everyday life. Yes there’s time, energy and some risk taking involved but over the other side of that is a dating life that’s far more rewarding, and successful. If you’re down to embark on this adventure, and want step by step support in accomplishing your goals I’d love to hear from you! Book a call today with a dating coach who puts your goals first.
