Do you often go on dates with women, think it went well enough for a second, and then the whole thing just drifts?
You know the initial date wasn’t amazing, but it wasn’t bad. So you follow up afterwards with a message suggesting date 2.
She agrees. Not with tons of enthusiasm, but you set the date.
Then the day before the date you get a message like:
“I’m really sorry for the short notice, but I think I need to reschedule. I’m feeling a bit low on energy and not quite in the right headspace to be good company. Maybe we can reconnect later in the month?”
Or even more blunt:
“Hey I’m really sorry, but I need to cancel tonight. Something came up on my end. Sorry for the inconvenience.”
Look, maybe you weren’t 10/10 excited to see her, but you were open to seeing where things could go. Sound familiar?
In this blog, I share my expert opinion on:
- Why you could both be feeling the same way, but she cancels and you don’t.
- How to avoid the “I’ll let you know” cycle.
- How to message her back in a way that creates self respect and attraction.
Why You Lean “Yes” — And She Leans “No”
As a dating coach this is a scenario I see happen all the time to guys. First of all, rather than thinking “all women are flakey”, you need to understand that why she wants to cancel, and you don’t, is that she has a very different rationale in regards to dating than you do.
For most guys, dates with women they’re genuinely attracted to aren’t that easy to come by. There’s a huge gap between matching with a woman on a dating app, and actually going on a date. (This is one of the biggest reasons why I encourage men to meet women in real life.) So when you do finally get a date, even if it’s not the woman you’re most excited about, you’re usually willing to explore. You’re also not super set on this becoming a relationship, if it’s a few fun dates, you’re okay with that.
For most women, they look at this the opposite way around.
Most women are not looking for a few fun casual dates, most women are looking for “The One.” So the bar to getting to date two for them is set much higher. Whilst she may not meet that many men she’s excited about, she can of course usually get a date. To throw a stat at this - a woman’s match rate on a dating app is about ⅓ meaning that every 1 in 3 guys that’s a yes for her, also matches. For guys that number is more like 1 in 50. This means on dating apps women get overwhelmed with messages, whilst you’ll feel frustrated about a lack of matches altogether.
So even if you both feel the same way about a date, if your connection is at all borderline, you will normally lean “yes”, she will normally lean “no”.
Why She Says “Yes” — Then Cancels Later
Why is it though that she says “yes” to date 2 when you’re together, then cancels later on?
This can be explained by the fact you always will have the most impact in the moment and face to face. So if you suggest another date when you’re together she thinks, “sure why not?” Think of this as her peak of attraction. As the days pass since you asked, other priorities (and maybe other options) come up, and she becomes more and more uncertain that she wants to see you again.
Sometimes she can’t quite put her finger on a reason, so says she’s just not feeling ready to date. Other times, she doesn't want to let you down, or rule things out totally, so she just cancels the upcoming date. She knows if she sees you again soon your expectations may start to build, and she’s not ready for that. So she puts you into a holding pattern, until things feel clearer.
This kickstarts the “can I let you know?” cycle.
The “Can I Let You Know?” Cycle
This is when you keep trying to pin down a date with her, and she keeps finding a reason to reschedule or not fully commit.
She might say she’s tired, over committed, over whelmed, has a project, but maybe next week when things are clearer.
What you have to understand is the more she postpones, the less likely that date is ever going to happen.
You may also start to feel frustrated, you can see what’s going on, but you think the right move is to be cool. So you message back casually,
“Sure, no worries, let me know when’s good for you.”
And then you wait, and wait some more. Leaving the ball in her court feels like the “chill” move but in reality it doesn’t work. It just starts the beginning of a slow fade. Women aren’t used to being the initiator in dating, and if she’s unsure how she feels, she’ll leave that date pending and never confirm. You end up chasing up, and when she sends you another weak excuse in response, you feel pretty defeated.
This cycle both doesn’t get you results, and doesn’t help your self esteem. I’d advise you to start to approach this differently, the moment that things start to go sideways.
What’s Really Happening When She Sends That First Flaky Message
When you get that first flakey message from her. Several important things are happening here:
- She’s showing you that she’s on the fence, and that’s okay. Her attraction can take some time to build up.
- She’s also never going to be more open to a date than she is today. The more days or weeks that go by between dates, the harder it gets to get started back up again.
- You also have an opportunity here to build attraction, and claim some self respect; provided you don’t get sucked into the “can I let you know?” cycle.
What To Say Instead
So here’s what I suggest for you to say. You want to use a message that insists just once that she meets you, that cuts through. That creates some urgency. That shows you’re not hanging around forever. You raise the stakes.
99% of men will get stuck in the “can I let you know?” cycle by sending a “sure whenever’s good for you” response. By choosing a different reaction here you’re going to stand out.
You could say something that makes her pick a yes or a no:
Option 1: Direct and Clear
“Hey. I like to keep things straightforward. If you’re still up for meeting, I’m in. If not, no worries, just keeping things clear.”
Option 2: Offer an Alternative
“If your energy’s low, how about we skip drinks and grab a coffee near you instead?”
Option 3: Light Tease
“I feel like this might be a “I’ll feel better once I’m out” situation 😄 How persuadable are you feeling?”
These messages are divisive. But only 1 of 2 good things can happen if you send them.
- She’s not that into you, and you prompt a clear and respectful “no” from her. You move on, and meet someone better.
- You challenge her just enough that she thinks, “wow who is this guy?” and decides to make the time to meet you.
Why This Approach Builds Attraction (And Self-Respect)
Remember women love men who:
- Know what they want and unapologetically say it like it’s inevitable and you’ll get it
- Show emotional intelligence
- Subtly lead
- Make her laugh
You gain none of these points by collapsing and accepting a slow fade. It’s a win-win when you say something that’s truthful to you, clearly take your shot and (most importantly) respect your self-esteem.
