Dating in your 40s is tough: Dating apps can seem like they’re filled with men who are “window shopping” but don’t want commitment, and as friends get coupled up you may be left wondering where are all the men?
As a dating coach with over 15 years experience coaching men and women, I’m going to share with you my top 5 action steps to stop dating from a place of panic and pressure - and start believing that you can meet him. Meet great men in real life with a dating coach for women.
We’ll look at:
- The key mindset shift that allows you to see previously invisible options.
- How you can figure out where men in their 40s are in the real world.
- Subtle and simple ways to invite him to talk to you (the women who do best with men, know these secrets!)
Is dating harder in your 40s, than in your 20s?
Let's not sugar coat it: dating in your 40s as a woman isn’t as easy as it was 20 years ago; but it is very possible, with the right tools.
So don’t panic! You absolutely haven’t missed the boat to meet a great partner, but there will be some tangible differences dating now, to 20 years ago. It’s worth acknowledging these differences as I want to give you a realistic strategy to change your dating life, not a bunch of platitudes that get you nowhere:
- Society has changed. Real life meet-cutes are rarer, and people use dating apps. Dating apps have several pitfalls: They don’t allow you to get a real life feel for someone, and they don’t allow you to show how attractive you are. When you go over a milestone birthday (40, 45) you get less matches as people filter out via age range. However, don’t be disheartened, if this same person met you in real life, they probably wouldn’t care about your exact age.
- You’ve changed! In your 40s you know yourself better than ever before. This wisdom means you won’t fall into crummy relationships in the same way that you did in the past. This is a good thing, but it does mean you’ll be filtering your options more carefully. (Are you being too picky? We’ll look into this later!)
- You’re got clearer goals. Whether it’s lifelong commitment, or motherhood, you are laser focused on what you want. During our 20s we tend to explore dating more, and we don’t have a deadline in mind. This is both a good thing (we’re open minded) and a bad thing (we get stuck in dead end relationships) at 40 you’re way out of this “let’s see how things go” phase.
- Your friendship circles have changed. College perhaps made it easy to meet people. In your 20s perhaps you hit the party scene hard. Then in your 30s your single friends slowly evaporated, and it may have left you feeling like you’re lacking a wingwoman (and those easy social opportunities) to meet men.
- There’s less available men. There I said it(!) That doesn’t mean there’s no available men, just less. In our 20s far less people are coupled up. Pew Research indicates that 27% of men aged 30-49 are single. Other estimates are more generous. This means we could conservatively say 1 in 4 men in their 40s are single. Of course some of those single men are likely to be lifelong commitment dodgers, others are gay, some you will get the ick as soon as you meet them; but even if the figure was 1 in 5, or 1 in 6, that’s still very doable odds for dating. You only need 1 high quality man!
5 Proven Ways to Meet Men in Real Life
Step 1: Shift into a “HOW can I meet him?” mindset
Most women focus too much on “where can I meet quality men in real life?” If you’re meeting men in your 40s, I bet you’ve already tried every app - multiple times! You’ve created a profile, been disappointed with the results, deleted the app, then a month later been through the whole cycle all over again.
Then in real life, you may simply feel that quality single men in their 40s are invisible - because they’re all taken! Or gay. Without knowing it you’re creating what I call the “scarcity mindset” around dating. You keep finding more and more evidence that it’s impossible to meet someone.
Instead I want you to start with the assumption (which, thanks Pew research is also the truth!) that there are available men, who would love a relationship with you. Your job is now 2 fold: You have to both figure out where he’s hiding, and (critically) how to interact with him. Not just so you can get the conversation with him started - we all know modern men can hold back on approaching you - but how to get it started in such a way that he gets that there’s a romantic opportunity with you.
Step 2: Ask Yourself Honestly If You’re Creating Enough Opportunities To Meet Men Offline?
Look, dating apps are low effort (you sit, you swipe) but equally low reward. Meeting men in the real world takes consistent effort to leave the house, to send the right signals, to keep an open mind… but the results are so worth it! Today I want you to honestly look at your schedule to make dating beyond apps a success:
- Are you regularly in the habit of trying new co-ed activities (run clubs, dance classes, tennis socials?) Or are you stuck in a social routine that’s comfortable, but filled with the same faces?
- Are you frequently run off your feet, stressed out, and at the end of a (very) long day just want to stay in?
- Do you have single friends that you go out with, or are your friendship circles reduced to brunch dates that work around your coupled up friend’s childcare arrangement?
- Are you comfortable talking to new people, including handsome men, or does the idea of that make you wince?
- Do you find the thought of sending a flirtatious signal awkward, or are you open to the idea but have no idea how to do it?
- Are you hopeful that when you truly let go you’ll meet him? (This is true - but help fate to get you there by also switching up your lifestyle!)
Step 3: Figure Out Where Men in Their 40s Hang Out in Real Life
To make a success of meeting men in the real world you’re going to need to clear time in your schedule and invest in going not only to singles events, but also taking up new hobbies and interests where you’ll naturally cross paths with him. This can be tough, as a single woman in her 40s your life will already be busy which means you might resent spending an evening doing something if you don’t meet a great guy there.
However, to make a success of meeting men in the real world, you’re going to need to be speculative. Not all events you’ll go to will be winners, and some won’t feel very “you”, however the act of continually changing up your schedule is really important to get enough real world opportunities.
Here’s a quick list of places you’ll want to try out week to week:
- Singles events. I know, they may feel awkward, they may not have your dream man at them; but as you know everyone’s there for the same reason it can make it easier to break the ice and get started. Start by researching singles and speed dating events near you.
- Fitness socials. Run clubs, park run, bouldering socials, Latin dance classes, are all fantastic places to meet people. Single men will invest into fitness, and even if that mid-40s guy is no longer
- Male orientated fitness. Regattas, rowing clubs, golf, BJJ, CrossFit, tennis clubs, paddle and pickleball, rugby (!) Double down on your efforts by choosing fitness pursuits that men gravitate towards. It doesn’t matter if you suck at doing the sport, go once, scope it out!
- After work lounge bars. The attractive, single man in his 40s, also won’t have tons of single friends to go out with. He’s also (probably) past the stage in his life of going to night clubs, he may have a longer commute home to a house he owns. Due to these factors your best bet to meet him will be after work lounge and hotel bars in areas of your town/ city where professionals congregate.
- Go out solo to interesting talks, book clubs, members bars. Being by yourself gives you the best opportunity for a guy to feel comfortable saying hello to you. And remember if you don’t like it, you can leave after 20 minutes!
Step 4: Get Prepared To Break The Ice
To successfully meet men in real life, you’re not only going to need to show up, you’ll also need to be prepared to subtly break the ice. This can feel confrontational. After waiting so long to meet the right man, you may feel like you at least want him to pursue you. You may assume if you’re attractive and desirable enough that he should approach you, and if he hasn’t then you’re not loveable.
Whilst I understand your desire to be swept off your feet, this misunderstands how modern men feel about meeting women in the real world, particularly women in their 40s. Coaching men as well I can tell you what he’s really thinking:
- “She’s probably married….”
- “She’s out with a friend, and I don’t want to interrupt her…”
- “There’s too many people around, and I don’t want to feel like a creep…”
- “I can’t hit on a woman at a fitness class, that’s totally inappropriate…”
- “I’ll talk to her later when I can think of something better to say…”
- *Nothing* He’s not thinking about meeting women today, but would be receptive if you spoke to him.
In short there’s tons of social conditioning that’s telling him he can’t make a move, even if he wants to. Out of a respect for your boundaries, he’s not showing his attraction to you at all. So just because no men are currently approaching you, doesn’t mean that no men want to approach you. So start chalking up your lack of meeting men in the real world to him respecting you, instead of a lack of attraction.
This is supported by research that shows whilst men of all age ranges still rate women aged 22-24 as the most attractive (that’s just evolution) most men choose to marry someone of a similar age. As a woman in your 40s this means that whilst men may not automatically check you out, they can become really attracted to you as you interact with them. You could represent a woman who not only still looks great, but who has the emotional maturity to be a fantastic life partner to him.
However, this hinges on your ability to break the ice. Don’t worry you don’t need a perfect “line” just a subtle cue that you’re open to speaking. Here are some of my favourite verbal, and non-verbal conversation starters:
- Swapping eye contact with an attractive man? Do a very small wave or gesture to invite him to walk over.
- See a cute guy? Walk past him, and sit / stand as close to him as possible. If you’re within 1-2 meters of him, it makes it much easier for him to start a conversation with you.
- Dress to be seen. Loud patterns, bright colours, feminine tailoring and accessories all catch the eye. If he says, “I like your necklace” he really means, “I like you.”
- Try a small situational ice breaker. At a fitness class smile, lock eyes and say, “that was really tough”, in a coffee shop say, “I hope they change the playlist soon.” You’re not forcing a conversation but you’re inviting one, if he’s open to it.
- Ask for a favour. Men love to help women! So next time you need spotting at the gym, or need something off a high shelf - ask him! The key to making this a success is not to run off afterwards, but to stand there, holding eye contact. This helps him to understand that you’re not simply asking a favour, but are open to further conversation.
Step 5: Don’t Filter Too Harshly Too Soon
Don’t treat a first interaction with him as a final interview. When you’re meeting men in the real world, it’s really easy to discount options, particularly when you’re in your 40s and have a laser focus on who you want to meet. You may talk yourself out of speaking to men you cross paths with:
- He’s not dressed smartly.
- He’s too young for me.
- He’s probably taken.
If you over filter you’ll end up feeling like no men exist, and then when your one “unicorn” man turns up you’ll throw all your chips in, rather than taking a step back and questioning whether he’s really the right guy for you. Instead of filtering too soon, take the opportunity to have a small conversation with him. Even if he’s married, it’s just a social conversation, you’re not there to steal him! If he turns out to be obnoxious you don’t have to keep talking to him.
I want you to value staying warmed up, and getting some light practice rounds of social chit-chat in, before you speak to your dream guy. Also, that guy in the Darth Vader t-shirt may turn out to be funny, kind, cute, emotionally available and open to his new girlfriend taking him shopping!
FAQs
Q: Can you really meet quality men in your 40s offline?
A: Yes — many women successfully meet great men in their 40s outside of dating apps. The key is knowing where to go and how to connect.
- 1 in 4 men aged 40–49 are single, according to Pew Research
- Offline dating allows for better chemistry and real-time connection
- Men in their 40s often prefer meeting women naturally, not online
- Shared-interest environments (like classes or events) help attract aligned matches
Real-life dating is not only possible — it's often more effective for long-term connection.
Q: What’s the best way to meet men in real life over 40?
A: Combine the right mindset, consistent effort, and strategic environments.
- Join co-ed fitness or interest-based groups (e.g., tennis, dance, running clubs)
- Attend singles events, mixers, or speed dating specifically for 40+
- Explore social hobbies where men tend to be (e.g., golf, CrossFit, cooking classes)
- Visit after-work bars or lounges in professional areas
- Show openness through subtle signals like eye contact or a smile
Tip: Don’t wait to be approached — start light conversations to signal interest.
