Hiring a dating coach is a massive step and shows an admirable willingness from you to change and grow. For over 15 years I’ve worked as a dating coach, and in that time I’ve helped thousands of men and women to find great dates, lasting love and a make quantum leap in self-belief.
So before you jump into coaching, here's a clear rundown of how to choose the right dating coach for 'you'.
You may be surprised to hear that the dating coaching industry is unregulated. This means it is a mix of well-meaning (but inexperienced) coaches, internet marketers preying on people’s fears, and genuinely amazing coaches who can help you to change your life.
Here’s how to tell them apart, and what you should expect when hiring a dating coach.
Why Most Dating Coaches Don’t Get Results
Let’s start with some blunt truths about what doesn’t work.
A lot of dating coaching sounds good on paper… but doesn't work when you try to apply it in real life.
Here’s dating coaching fluff you should avoid:
Nice ideas, but no clear way to execute them
You’ll hear things like “be more confident” or “put yourself out there”. You need the steps to put this into practice, otherwise it’s just a nice idea.
A heavy focus on dating apps, and almost nothing on real-life interaction
Dating apps are one piece of the puzzle. The real world is a great place to meet people, and regardless of how you meet someone, sooner or later you’ll need to meet up face-to-face. Real-life interactions are therefore key.
Too much validation, not enough honest feedback
Feeling understood matters. But if your coach only reassures you and never challenges you, nothing changes. Being challenged can also feel really positive if you choose a coach who resonates with you. It becomes an “ah-ha” not an “oh-no” moment.
Surface-level advice that breaks down under pressure
“Rewrite your profile.”
“Say this on a date.”
“Go to more social events.”
All fine in theory, but what happens when you’re actually there… and you hesitate, overthink, or freeze? Your coach needs to get more detailed than this.
What to Look for in a Dating Coach Who Gets Results
They focus on action and feedback, not just nice ideas
Most great dating coaching isn’t about telling someone what to do, it’s about helping them to do it, and giving them feedback on what happens next. Focus on dating coaches that help you to do, not just help you to know.
Coaching programs that are less effective tend to:
- Rely on self study
- Have large class sizes, so it’s hard to gain feedback
- Tell you what to do, without addressing the sticky point of you implementing that advice
- Be built solely on the coach’s personal experience, “how I met my husband…” or “this is how I went from a geeky guy to tons of dates with models…” — this is about you, not them
Good coaching programs:
- Give you plenty of opportunities for individual feedback
- Ask you questions, and push you when you’re stuck
- Give you regular contact with your coach
- Understand that your needs may be different to someone else’s
This also means moving away from “magic solutions.”
There is no 3-step formula that guarantees results. Real change comes from taking action, getting feedback, and adjusting over time.
My coaching focuses on helping you meet people ethically in the real world, through structured exercises, challenges, and detailed feedback that’s personal to you.
In my coaching programs I offer feedback via live coaching calls, WhatsApp coaching and in-person sessions. I also have active alumni groups you can join to continue our work together. In short: It is a process.
They have a clear process for improvement, not platitudes
Dating coaches aren’t therapists and I’d recommend you be cautious at simply booking a set of calls with a dating coach, which don’t have any clear deliverables. This is the space where well meaning, but inexperienced, coaches usually operate.
Watch out for:
- An endless set of calls with no objectives.
- A lot of validation, “you seem like such a great guy - dating is so tough.”
- You ask for honest feedback, and they… validate you again.
At the end of your sessions you might feel a bit better (which is valuable) but be none the wiser about how to get this done.
Look for a coach who has developed their coaching enough to offer you a clear program structure with a justification as to why that program works. Again, if you get a lot of “we will explore this together and see what comes up,” without a roadmap for “how” grab your coat!
They are transparent and professional
You should be able to ask your dating coach:
- How much their programs cost ($7997 now $5000 for 3 days with a coach, is not an answer!!)
- How their programs are structured.
- How confidentiality is handled.
And get a clear answer.
Be especially wary if a coach:
- Pressures you into working with them.
- Puts you down. Constructive feedback is helpful, running you down is not.
- Talks negatively about men or women. For example, “modern women only respond to…” “men don’t want to commit anymore so you have to…”
Pitting you against the opposite sex preys on your insecurities and to me, feels toxic.
You trust them and can be honest
Every dating coach will have their own unique personality; you will be naturally drawn to some people and put off others. Much like dating, it’s good to listen to your instincts about who you naturally gel with.
If a dating coach says they work with “everyone” this is also a red flag. Your dating coach should be able to tell you what type of person tends to benefit most from their coaching. For example, my coaching style leans actionable, not spiritual; nuanced not broad strokes; action not theory. It suits go-getter types, who are ready to work at it.
The Skill Most Dating Coaches Don’t Teach Properly
Most dating coaches focus on:
- Dating apps
- Messages
- Social media profile building
- Confidence
- Manifestation (!)
To me, this leaves a massive gap. I believe that the best way to grow your dating life is to look at how to change your real world dating skills:
- How to meet people in real life.
- How to overcome hesitations and talk to someone.
- How to have great social skills (I want you to be authentic, but polished).
- How to show romantic intent - so the people you like can see you more clearly.
Changing your real world dating behaviours is effective (wahoo - a new channel for dates) and rewarding. You will feel you’re building a whole new valuable skillset, getting to know yourself better, and suddenly meeting more of the people you want…
…and if you feel fully confident in your ability to meet people, and to build attraction; you naturally raise your standards and choose better relationships.
How to tell if a dating coach is legitimate?
This is where it can get really sticky - many coaches are great at marketing themselves, without having a process for delivering results. Confusingly, some things that look like great markers of coaching ability can also be marketing-fluff in disguise.
Here’s how to spot the difference:
Testimonials
All reputable coaches should be able to provide client testimonials. However, knowing how persuasive these can be, some reviews can be faked. Ouch. There’s 2 kinds of reviews that get a raised eyebrow from me, and that you should be wary of:
- Non-descript text only reviews.
For example: “This dating coach really helped me to overcome my fears, and open up to love. I’m now happily married”, Name, Location. Notice here how there’s no attribution of this quote, it could be totally genuine, or utterly made up. Pause and think, does this sound like something someone would actually write or is it a little generic?
- Polished video reviews with perfect soundbites.
This type of review can look more persuasive, and it is a step up on a text-only review. However, be warned too much polish can mean this is sourced by actors/ friends/ team members and not byreal people. Notice over stating results, “I suddenly found I had 150 dates in 10 weeks.” Think if you had a great experience with a dating coach, and were interviewed, how would you sound? I bet it wouldn’t be like a news anchor!
So what dating coach reviews can you trust?
- Look for a mix of reviews. For example, a lot of my clients have a high need for privacy. That's why I have some video reviews, but also audio only reviews, and screenshots. These are real people who want to share their experiences, but who want a private life.
- Look for external sources. Is the dating coach rated on google or on trust pilot? External reviews count!
- Ask for referrals. Not everyone wants a referral, but it’s something I’m always happy to provide. A good coach should be able to refer you to a former client who is similar to you and happy to advocate for them.
Media Coverage
Strong media coverage is a sign that a dating coach is relatively well known. This is a positive signal. However, there’s a couple of strings attached you should be aware of.
- Watch out for dating coaches heavily featured in “top 10 dating coaches” lists. These are often paid PR. I get contacted regularly to appear in these lists, for a price.
- If a coach has a high level of media exposure, question whether you get to work with them. It’s common for well known coaches to become the face of the brand, but then when you enquire to work with them, they pass you over to a team member. Watch out for getting lumbered with an inexperienced sub-coach. If the dating coach recommends you to work with a member of their team, ask for a call with them to check their knowledge and your personal chemistry.
Social Media Presence
You may already have some dating coaches that you follow on social media, and who you enjoy learning from. This gives you some helpful feedback as to whose style resonates with you, but… (yes, there’s always a but…)
- This means the coach is a fantastic content creator, not necessarily a great coach. Lots of ideas that sound great on social media break down at the “how do I apply this?” stage. Make sure to ask your coach, “how do I put this concept into practice?”
- This dating coach might be better at creating self study courses which deliver information, rather than coaching programs that offer actionable change in your life. Later in this blog I’ll give you a set of questions to ask your potential coach to help you decide with this.
What Working With a Good Dating Coach Should Feel Like
You gain clarity quickly
Talking to your dating coach you should quickly have a few “ah-ha” moments and start to see things differently. If your coach is able to describe your issues in detail that’s also a good sign that they’ve encountered them many times before. This “diagnosis” step is really important, but by itself isn’t enough to create change.
You’re challenged
A less experienced coach will tend to empathize with you, rather than challenge you. Empathy is important to help you to feel understood, but coaching should also provide an unlock to see how you can do things differently. If you’re “perfect as you are” and “just a bit unlucky” this isn’t coaching.
…But you’re also championed
A good coach won’t put you down, they will build you up. It can be a tough balance to get right but a great coach is there to see your potential, and give you a plan to access it. Avoid any coach who wants you to become a clone of them, or who you feel dismissed by.
You see consistent progress over time
If you’re considering dating coaching, you will probably be trying to change long held beliefs and behaviours. That’s why coaching is a medium-term process, not an overnight fix. To make the journey successfully, you’ll need to stay motivated and have realistic expectations for your rate of change. If you judge where you are today, by who you were 3 months ago, you should be able to say, “I may not have reached my end destination but I can see some big strides in the right direction.”
Questions to Ask Before You Commit
Most reputable dating coaches will offer you a free consultation (typically 15-30 minutes) before you book in with them. Here’s what you should expect from that first call, and some helpful questions to ask when you’re choosing your coach.
Realistic expectation for your consultation:
- I will get to meet my coach.
- I will get an improved understanding of their coaching style.
- I will understand what their programs entail.
- I will see if they understand my challenges.
- I will begin to understand how they would solve them.
Unrealistic expectation for your consultation:
- I will get all the dating advice I’d love to have within a coaching program, delivered to me within a 20 minute time frame.
Here’s a list of questions to ask your coach:
- How do you help clients improve in practice?
- What does a typical session involve?
- How do you give feedback?
- What kind of clients do you usually work with?
- What results do people tend to see over time?
- How do you support clients between sessions?
- How do you adapt your approach to different individuals?
- Can you give me an example of someone like me, and their journey?
- Do you have any extra resources I can check out before committing?
Then the gold standard approach is to give your coach a case study of something that happened in your dating life recently (a missed opportunity at a bar, a recent break-up, a date that fizzled) and see what they come back with.
A great coach should be able to listen to an example like this and quickly identify:
- Trends in your behaviour.
- Areas of insight you could benefit from.
- Key behaviours you need to shift.
Look for a dating coach who can go granular with you!
Is Hiring a Dating Coach Worth It?
It’s worth it if:
- You’re ready to make changes.
- You’re trying to make changes but not seeing results
- You want structured, faster improvement
- You want support and accountability
- You see dating as a skillset you can build
It’s not worth it if:
- You’re not prepared to change anything
- You’re looking for a quick fix
- You’d find it difficult to talk to someone about your challenges
- You need support with your mental health
- Taking coaching would create financial strain in your life
Who is my coaching for?
I like to be extremely transparent with the people I coach about what they will learn, how I coach them, and what it will take from them to succeed.
- Go getters who want actionable advice
- People who prefer real life meetings, to dating app matches
- People who love structured learning
- People who desire detailed feedback
- People who are willing to work on this for 2-12 months
- People who want an ethical approach
- People who want to learn through doing, not just theory
- People who see a great dating life, and a long term relationship, as the next frontier in their personal development.
Next Step
If you’ve read this and recognised yourself in it, you’re probably at the point where you’re ready to change, not just think about it.
To get started you can complete my dating questionaire, and if I think we might be a good fit, I’ll reach out via email/ WhatsApp to schedule a call.
