Dating Tips
For Men

Attraction HQ: Competing to win

March 11, 2016
▪ 4 mins read

How to compete?

Welcome back to another episode of Attraction HQ- Competing to Win edition. I am here to lead you through becoming more attractive to women. Improved your love life but not through the usual junk that people make you listen to. Instead, I'm going to teach you actually worthwhile things. So if you've been having Groundhog Day with your dating, if you're always the friend, if you're not meeting anyone and feel heartbroken. If you're a bit lost and to be honest if other areas of your life are not going how you intended them to, you are in the right place. And I'm really lucky today I've got an amazing man on- his name is Jamie Alderton or Jay.

How would we describe to you what you do?


I cast myself as a body transformation coach, but I'm more delving into the transformation coach. It's basically getting people to be more self-aware, self-confident, and more focus on themselves, nutrition and training. And how to utilise nutrition, training, and mindset to have a better life.


In some ways, we look at slightly different areas but our philosophies are pretty enlightening. In that, if you could see Jamie today, Jamie is an extremely in shape man. He explained to me earlier how he used to train guys to be in stage competition mode when it came to fitness and bodybuilding. And actually, after the end of that, you said that you didn't find that so rewarding.


It's nice to go on that journey with a girl or a guy where they've decided they're going to commit to something. And they see it all the way through. And they get the result at the end. But then sometimes the trouble with a lot of these competitions is no matter how hard you work towards it, you can't guarantee the outcome, and people take that the wrong way. You have to be a competitor and understand that no matter how hard you try, sometimes there is more involved than how good in shape you can get. You're entering a competition based on people's opinions. And if you're not willing to take people's opinions, then it can be quite detrimental. Especially if you've committed 12 to 14 weeks of your life to get in a certain shape and someone's opinion is that that's not good enough.

So from a psychological point of view, it takes a certain kind of person to be able to deal with that. If you're working so hard towards something, and someone just says no then you could take that quite bad.


I've done a lot of seminars on it. And I've spoken to a lot of people on the good reasons for competing, ie setting yourself a goal and seeing it through, but also the bad. And the bad way of competing is that you tend to focus so much on one thing and block out the rest of your life.

Your family, your friends, your loved ones. What I'm thinking of hearing you speak is how directly this applies to how men approach their dating life at the moment. What will typically happen is a tunnel vision will occur. They might not be happy with that area of their life and decide to work on it. Then you go about absorbing as much information as possible from the internet or YouTube and bury yourself in that.

In modern life, we're told that we should expect instantaneous rewards. There are so many factors that go into meeting women what the outcome will be different. If she doesn't wind up being your girlfriend or she has to leave the country or actually, she just doesn't see you that way, you don't have that level of personal compatibility- guys take that hard. As a very profound rejection instead of learning that to be great at any aspect of your life you have to deal with that rejection and build on it positively. Do not see it as a rejection.


I'm still a competitor myself. I pushed myself to my limits last year. I was competing on the European stage and came fourth. Fourth in Europe! I was very happy with that. But it wouldn't have mattered if I came first or came last. That's not why I did it. I did it because it's a challenge to myself to basically set a goal and see it all the way through. And before I've even stepped on stage I've achieved that goal because I've said what I've wanted to do, and I've gone and done it. I think that's what a lot of people need to start building up their self-confidence more. They need to learn about how to channel their energy correctly.


2020 Update! Not only can you listen to the rest of the interview below, but if you join Hayley Quinn Club you will get exclusive access to Jay's advice on competing with yourself!

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About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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