threesome

How to Have a Threesome with Your Girlfriend

Wondering If Your Girlfriend Wants to Have a Threesome

I’m not going to spend ages telling you tricks to convince your girlfriend to have a threesome. Or for two best friends to come to bed with you. Or how to make a woman complicit to doing something she doesn’t want to do. You’ve heard it all before and it’s uncool. Instead, I want to tell you the single most important concept you have to work with if you and your girlfriend want to explore threesomes. Or more open relationships! (find more about understanding her here.)

Why do you want to have a threesome?

If it is you who is driving for a threesome with your girlfriend and she hasn’t communicated that she is open to this: hold tight.

Are you looking into sexual exploration as the physical connection between you isn’t the same? Is there a temptation to cheat? Do you want to see other women but not let go of her? That is another blog post.

The best advice I can give for now is don’t have sexual experiences to escape dealing with yourself. Or your existing relationships. The high of the thrill of the chase can be quite a stunning distraction. Especially from making tough decisions about your relationship or communicating what you need. But it is a temporary plaster at best. It isn’t a solution. It is also not always sexy or fun unless you have the building blocks of it right

Threesome implies openness

From years working in the world of dating, I’ve heard a lot of people tell me of their most guarded secrets and desires. Over the years I’ve noticed trends: women becoming more open about their sexuality. Couples putting joint profiles on Tinder. Strange pride of ‘giving a man his first threesome’ as a trend. Even in science, especially psychology research into threesome and nonmonogamy has been flourishing¹. (I am of course of the belief that if you want to have a threesome go for it. But don’t do things to please, keep or entertain others.)

Never have a threesome to:

1. Keep your partner from straying

2. To impress them into thinking you’re like the coolest person ever.

3. Because they’re attracted to someone else and you want to not hold them back. (But inside the reaction you get to it is nausea, not arousal).

Trying to manipulate your girlfriend into a threesome under any of those grounds is bad form. If you’re that dissatisfied in your relationship that you can’t face having sex with your partner, if you want to hook up with someone else: come clean, talk about it or break up.

threesome

Putting things out in the open

Talking about desire can feel risky but it is okay. It is, in fact, a key way you can build back in some of that emotional intimacy and physical attraction you may have been craving. Also, there is a reasonable chance that your partner may feel the same. It is easy to think of men as sexually open and women as craving stability. Apart from the fact sexuality and stability are not oppositional forces, you do not know what she wants unless you check in with her. If you are on the same page, or not on different ends of the book here are a few practical steps you can also use to work towards a threesome with your girlfriend.

Before you and your partner take that step towards a threesome with another girl, make sure your partner is setting ground rules. Let her:

1. Set the boundaries of how far you go the first time

If they’re only comfortable with a threesome make out, to begin with. Start there and then move on. Threesomes can make people feel exposed and vulnerable. Especially if not everyone is participating for the right reasons. Sometimes you don’t know how you feel about something until you get there. Start small. Know you can trust one another, change the perimeters of your boundaries over time.

2. Be 100% honest with them:

Keep your integrity. Be honest with your partner, and with yourself about your intentions. Open relationships need to be built on solid trust. Don’t try to set up a threesome with your girlfriend, and the woman you feel tempted to see behind her back. Do not go on a mission to find a suitable woman on Tinder and then surprise your partner with this information. It means actually listening to her desires.

3. Pick the guest star:

Allowing them to choose the third party is your way of saying, ‘I trust you to respect our relationship. I accept your sexuality, and you’re in control.’ There will be times where you or your girlfriend is more invested in the third party than the other. To manage these situations allow her to take the lead on finding people who she is interested in. Then consider three-way dates. Explore new relationships before jumping into the desired high-octane finale. This allows everyone to get comfortable and establish some ground rules. As well as a check-in with themselves if this is something they want to take past flirtation.

4. Have total Ripcord power:

Your partner needs to be able to call things off at any point. Especially if they are not 100% comfortable. Or in a reversed the situation you can say ‘actually no’ without the fear of emotional punishment or retribution. This shows that you respect and want your relationship to work more than hooking up with a random third party. If you don’t think that’s fair: you need to reassess how you feel about your partner.

Bottom Line: Empower your partner, share with your partner, act as a team.

Now you know I like to keep my advice clean but as it’s almost summer I thought I should share with you a great tip for when things get a little hotter…

I’m going to write this simply because my goal is when you come to the point of having the threesome with your girlfriend, for you to both have the best experience possible.

Just as the first time you hooked up with someone, having a threesome for the first time with someone will not be the best. Nerves, performance concerns, the fact you are bringing in a third body can all get in the way of you having an amazing time.

I wanted you to know there’s one simple thing you can do to make her experience better. You have to get her to relax and focus using this specific technique.

(You’re doing this by the way as for women good s*x is linked to their emotional state very strongly. She maybe nervous to or she could feel self conscious about her body. She could worry that you’re comparing her to the other person. All of these unhelpful thoughts stop her from relaxing enough to be really aroused.)

If you sense she’s tense ask her to lie down, relax all the muscles in her body, and just focus all her energy on one point. You need to keep encouraging her to do this in a trusting way, “I want you to lie down, relax every muscle from your lips to your toes, and focus all your energy in one place. Breathe with me…” 

The more time she does this exercise for (think 20 minutes) the better experience she’ll have with you. So begin with massage, or kissing her neck and clavicle before you even think of moving south.

Keep your breath slow and deep so she matches your rhythm, listens to her body and begins to embrace the moment.

Allowing her to step into her femininity like this will do more than any little technique by itself.

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Wow! This blog is actually a new draft of one I wrote 5 years ago. I’ve seen a lot of you check it out online so I wanted to tweak it up. Are you reading this as a single guy and would like to learn more? Then I’d recommend a play of my titled but informative ‘Inside Her Mind’ course which you can find in my Hayley Quinn Club. Start with connection and communication. Decisions are always two way, sometimes three-way.

¹ Three’s a crowd: public awareness and (mis)perceptions of polyamory

‘My partner was just all over her’: jealousy, communication and rules in mixed-sex threesomes

Hayley Quinn

Hayley Quinn is an internationally recognised dating coach and founder of the UK’s largest dating coaching company. She has over 2 Million views on her TED talk and over 100,000 YouTube subscribers.

She is the spokesperson for Match, the biggest online dating platform in the world. She has been featured on BBC1, Sky and Channel 4 and is a regular columnist for Cosmopolitan and contributor to yahoo!style.

Phone: +447517915854
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