Conversation Skills
For Men

How to talk to a woman you are attracted to and make her like you

May 25, 2017
▪ 5 mins read

There is one big secret to making attractive women find you attractive in return... and it won't be what you expect!

Without it feeling daunting

I know that when it comes tohow to talk to a woman, you might feel anxious. This is why I have one incredibly simple piece of advice that is going to make this so much easier.

I am also giving you my 4 C’s of what ingredients you need to knowhow to talk to a woman. And make her like you... Or at least give her the best chance to be into you.

How to talk

Before we get technical I need to tell you one thing! The chances of successfully talking to a woman and making her like you are radically increased by one simple principle:

Women like men who do not talk to them radically differently based on the fact they’re women.

Let me explain what I mean by this. If a woman feels like a man is treating her very differently from how he would a man, right from the get-go, because he’s sexually attracted to her this will make her feel uncomfortable. If this is how you talk to a woman you are attracted to it suggests that you’re:

  1. Not very experienced with women. I mean, HOLY MOLY you’re getting really excited about talking to her.
  3. That without her doing anything bat existing - just in reaction to her looks alone - you’re acting a little strangely.
  5. ... which inevitably makes her feel like there’s no opportunity or point in really connected to you because all you’re seeing in her is BABE.

Instead, counter-intuitively you have to let go of the fact she is hot. The facts are lots of women (in fact people) are hot. And beyond that, good looks are very subjective. What some people think is HOLY MOLY other people think is MEH.

Therefore, the chances are she hasn’t woken up this morning and thought, `damn I am HWAT...’ she’s probably woken up thinking about a work project, a friendship, how she shouldn’t have gone out last night, a guy she likes, fuck there’s no peanut butter left in the fridge etc.

And when she sees you most of the time even if you’re positively HERCULEAN I bet she wouldn’t want to date you unless you also emotionally connected to her and showed her that you have some other qualities she’s into.

How to talk to a woman?

For women then a first conversation is usually a chance to see if you CONNECT. Is there any COMPATIBILITY? Do you make her feel COMFORTABLE? Does she feel there’s enough CURIOSITY to want to go on a date with you?

A lot of men think how to talk to a woman you are attracted to necessitates doing the conversational equivalent of a double backflip somersault to impress the pretty lady. Instead, the woman just wants to know you are SINCERE. That yes, you are ATTRACTED to her. Bet, yes, you also want CONNECTION before you date her.

I want you, of course, to be approaching and learning how to talk to a woman you are attracted to; but you have to know that raw attraction isn’t enough for her to want to date you (most of the time anyway...) and instead of connecting to her gets the date.

Remember NO CONNECTION, NO DATE. Don’t even ask for her number.

How to talk to a woman using the 4 C's

Let's assume by now you are now you’re talking to her like a normal person. Well done. To get much better at how to talk to a woman you are attracted to, here’s the 4 C’s that you should use.

Think of how to talk to a woman you are attracted to a bit like making a cake. A sexy cake where you can’t really mess it up as long as you roughly get all the right ingredients in.

  1.     Connect  

This means having the FEELING of something in common. It can mean that you both like the same THING (dance, tennis etc) but having a THING in common doesn’t mean she will FEEL that she likes you. It’s actually way more important to connect to her about WHO YOU ARE than WHAT YOU LIKE. For instance...

`You like tennis? That’s so cool I love tennis...’ is OKAY.

`I’m the same when I get out into nature and play support it gives my mind some escapism and switches off time - I love that..’ is SO MUCH BETTER because you relate to who she is as a person. How she FEELS.

  1.     Compatability  

I have a theory that this becomes more important to people as they get older and more focused on relationships versus someone that’s fun. Not all personality types blend brilliantly. Again just because she’s hot doesn’t mean you’re destined to be together in any way short or long term.

I have often had a weird thing where on the down low I’m assertive and analytical but from appearances, most men would guess I’m creative and outgoing. I have had direct experience of telling this to men in my normal point-blank, uncompromising, slightly anti-social way and the information not connecting. My point here is to listen and relate to her. Or realize you don’t relate. You DO NOT have to impress or connect with everyone.

(FYI - A great way to show this is to re-phrase her words back to her and add in relevant information your side... like `oh you like tennis? I’ve not played since I was six, but I can try to get you into golf...’)

  1.     Comfortability  

To me feeling comfortable with someone means I feel safe both physically and emotionally. Physically this could mean giving her enough space (stand a meter back from her until she’s comfortable for you to draw near). It could mean mirroring her body language. It could mean looking at her eyes and not any other notable bodily features.

Feeling `safe’ emotionally is more complex. A good start point is to allow her to feel like she can talk freely without being judged. In fact, if you notice her not telling you the whole story (probably because she doesn’t feel like she knows you well enough to fully disclose...) like this:

Her: "I guess I first got into tennis when.... Err doesn’t matter!"

You: "Hey, you’ve got me curious now. Don’t worry if the tennis story involves some romantic adventure with a hot tennis instructor I’m not intimidated by that. No judgement!"

  1.     Curiosity  

If you ask her endless questions to try and string the conversation together not only will the conversation be boring; it will also show her nothing about you.

Remember to be INTERESTING not just INTERESTED.

To do this you need to venture details and stories about your life. Sometimes the best ones are ones where you DON’T give all the details. Curiosity, a kind of `huh, there’s more to this guy than I thought...’ is a key part of the attraction process for women.

e.g. "I would tell you how I got into tennis but that’s a long and slightly strange story... so I better save it until around date 2..."

And yes implying that you want to see her more is a slick way to flirt. Flirting is also important. Just don’t do it on the grounds of her looks alone. Remember the key for how to talk to a woman you are attracted to is to talk to her like the full person she is.

When you begin to understand her more and develop your ability to relate to her I promise the flirty stuff comes later.

Hayley Quinn smiling profile
About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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