Warm Up a Cold Shoulder: How to Handle it When a Woman Ignores You
The cold shoulder
In this post, I’m going to be talking you through how to deal with one of the most common, and frustrating, responses a girl can give you: the cold shoulder.
Yep, that horrible moment when you’ve made your approach to the hot girl leaning up against the bar in a club, and her first reaction is to turn away. This behaviour sucks (and I’d never personally do this) but it happens all the time.
I can imagine how you feel when this happens:
Frustrated and angry that she’s been so rude?
Sad and dejected that your approach must have been embarrassingly bad?
Resolute that this girl is a horrible human being?
Or maybe all three? Luckily for you, all of these assumptions may not be true at all. However, so often the way you respond assumes something incorrectly causing you to react negatively and lose the opportunity to turn the situation around.
No interaction is ever perfect, and how you respond to women can often ‘correct’ even the worst ‘mistakes’.
Right so here are some common ways that you may respond:
1. With anger
You may swear at her, make a nasty comment or just storm off. This is a natural response to have but doesn’t help your cause. Her friends and any other girls that saw are going to think that you’ve reacted like the biggest jerk in history.
Regardless of what she does you always want to convey that you’re secure enough in yourself, that one girl’s stupid reaction doesn’t affect you. She’s just not that important to get angry about.
2. By criticizing yourself and trashing any chances of you doing any future approaches
Whilst it’s good to analyze why she may have given you the cold shoulder (maybe how you approached her was a bit off, your line didn’t come out quite right, or your body language was weak) don’t beat yourself up too much about this and let one bad response ruin your evening.
Women are allowed to have a bad day. Maybe she’s just been through a bad break up and just wants to spend her time with her friends. Sure if she doesn’t respond well to your approach there are probably areas of what you’re doing that you can tweak, but avoid that voice in your head that’s telling you you’re bad or wrong: there are a lot of other factors that could have affected her response.
Bottom line: you said ‘hi’ which makes you a rock star in my eyes!
3. By acting apologetically
Also don’t react apologetically by supplicating to her. This can be verbal:
You: “Sorry erm, enjoy your evening anyway”
Or it can be sub-communicated by raising your voice, speaking quickly, or by allowing your body language to lean in or down to her. These are all techniques we use to become less threatening. However, less threatening doesn’t usually equal more attractive.
Besides, you’re a great guy with nothing to apologise for: if she meets you properly she’ll realise what great value you have to give her.
4. By being non-reactive and just walking off
Whilst it’s powerful not to be emotionally affected by a negative response don’t just give up!
Cold shoulders are often subconscious tests of whether your state of mind, your masculinity, and self-esteem are strong enough to deal with her.
She never rejects you – just that 5-second snippet she got of you, because (let’s face it) if she knew what an awesome guy you are, there’s no way she would have done that. Just giving up does you a disservice and also allows her to get away with some shoddy behaviour.
Instead of behaving in any of these ways I want you to do the following:
1. Re-engage her with minimum effort:
To do this you want to minimise your further investment in the interaction. I’d suggest gently touching her on the shoulder to move her body language a little more towards yours; as you do this you can shift your body weight a little so that you are closer to being diagonally facing each other (b) than you facing her side on(a). Then try to project your voice, instead of leaning in.
2. Acknowledge what she’s done- but how you’re not affected by it:
It’s important to ‘call her out’ on her bad behaviour, to show that you won’t tolerate it, “Hey, I think you just gave me the cold shoulder…” whilst maintaining a light-hearted, playful tonality that suggests you’re not fazed/ upset by it.
3. Acknowledge why she’s done it- but that you accept her reasons for it:
Show how socially well-calibrated you are by appreciating why she may have behaved how she did:
You: “Hey, I think you just gave me the cold shoulder, but that’s ok; I know that you don’t know me that well yet.”
This will help to put her at ease that you understand her limitations and are aware enough to understand her. Always deliver what you say at all times with a slow, calm tonality to show that her reaction hasn’t made you socially anxious.
4. Get a positive response from her:
Often at this stage, a little humour and confident behaviour can help make her smile and re-engage her with:
You: “Hey, I think you just gave me the cold shoulder, but that’s ok; I know that you don’t know me that well yet. It is making me look kinda bad though, so turn around and let’s try this again.”
In order to lead her effectively, you need to have conviction in what you’re doing so be confident, keep the tonality level, and assume she’s now going to break into a smile.
Remember when we’re needlessly rude to people it is often just a knee jerk reaction; and disproportionate to any ‘mistakes’ that could have been made in the approach.
So take control of the situation, another roll of the dice, and who knows how quickly she might warm up.
For more technical pointers on how to deal with socially tricky situations get in touch with me in my exclusive Hayley Quinn Club!