t's time to learn to love being alone!
This month I’ve been honoured to be co-hosting the Jillian Michael’s podcast (if you don’t know her she has abs of steel, and is a legend within the fitness industry). We talked about crazy relationships and finding a way of learning to love being alone.
We have all been there. Believing we found the one without having all of the pieces of the jigsaw that makes the person. So how does one go from creating a story with another person in a. centre of it to learning to love everyday life and me time?
Is there a list of things one should love about being alone that you need to check off? And is it the same pathway we all have to follow?
What is a crazy relationship?
A crazy relationship is the quintessential on again, off again thing. One minute you're intensely in love, it usually starts on a high, then it hits a dip, you claw it back, you cobble things back together, but it falls apart again. And it's only when it breaks time and time again, or something major happens that you eventually walk away and decide, this isn't for me.
I have been there. My previous relationship history could be summed up in one statement: I was addicted to intensity.
The relationship had to give me a massive spark, followed by a terrible low, it had to be totally disorientating. There had to be an edge of danger, or I wasn't interested. And after going through that so many times, it took me years and years to get out. It was only when things went really wrong (and I spoke about this in my TED talk a little bit) that I asked myself "What was that all about?".
I just spent years hanging out with this guy, going to fun parties, having an amazing time. But then there was nothing between us. There was no stability, no security. It definitely wasn't setting me up to achieve anything that I actually wanted to in life. And in fact, eventually the melodrama of that relationship suddenly that wasn't cute anymore. I realised it was having a detrimental effect on all other areas of my life. And now as a dating coach, I see people gravitating towards that intensity, rather than looking out for things that can give them that stability and grounding and balance in their lives and relationships.
How to get out?
If you don't listen to the earliest signs, the signs gradually get louder and scarier and worse, until you have to take action. When you are interested in these kind of relationships, it's a form of an addiction to that intensity. And like all addictions you don't learn to avoid the obstacle first time around. It's often a process where yo gradually get better at not falling in the hole. You have to learn how to walk around and work your way out of it.
These kinds of relationships shoot holes in your self esteem and dominate your mind. This is another classic sign of crazy relationship; you just don't have the brain space to do anything else. to really focus on your career, to really get fit, whatever your goals might be- it's not possible because you're wondering every day what's gonna happen next with this person. Are they gonna show up or we going to break up?
This feeling becomes so dominant, it literally soaks up all of your time and energy. So a good start point to leave the crazy relationship behind is to start to think how you can claw those things back. Even basic things like sleeping better, eating better, turning your phone off for a period of time. Simple stuff like that can help you get a little bit more grounded. And actually let go of the need for that intensity and actually start to enjoy normality and calm in everyday life instead.
Read this for extra advice: Aloneness: Embracing Empty Palm Phase!
Self care
If you are on the path of getting out of the circle of crazy relationships but just can't really get there a great thing to do right now is to recognise that this person is a mirage. An illusion. Behind that mirage is the stuff that you actually really need to look at and work on.
That person is a distraction from fixing something that really needs to be fixed in your life. And as soon as you can realise that the psychological investment you put in this other person is taking away from your self care. As soon as you realise that it is the role that they're serving, you can then actually look at yourself really well and then start to identify what you actually need to work on.
Learning to love being alone
Goof news is that learning to love being alone has a roadmap. The first step is the realisation that you are the protagonist in your own story. Taking a good step back from dating is a good idea. You have to start to establish a different way of finding day to day happiness and enjoyment and sanctuary.
It's about discovering how you can set up a routine and falling in love with normal day to day life. You might be experiencing lockdown or are unable to meet people the same way you normally do and this feels like there's a big roadblock on dating. But not all progress is forward.
Think instead: How can I use this massive pause right now to really reflect on my dating patterns? How can I have my phone in the other room all night, and do something really mindful and chill with myself and not need to have something really exciting going on?
Take a pause not just from dating, but from social media, technology, you huge amounts of workload. Have some time where you can have proper me time. And then when you gradually reintroduce stuff, you can do it at a snail's pace. When you fall in love with being alone you will get out of the circle of crazy and start the journey of finding the right relationship.
Examples of 20 things to love about being alone
- I love playing the music I like loud, and not feel awkward at singing along to Cher’s ‘Believe’ as I dance around my kitchen.
- I like controlling the remote and binging Bridgerton.
- I like eating sushi at 10pm with a glass of rose if I feel like it.
- I like getting up when I want on the weekends.
- I like that I’m able to spend so much time on my work, it’s really exciting building my dreams.
- I love that being single has given me time to form all these other amazing non-romantic connections, I’ve never felt closer to my friends.
- I really like that I can put my wellness first, and get my daily meditation fix.
- I like how fit I’m getting, and having tons of time to reflect on my daily walks.
- I like being able to do things spontaneously.
- I like the fact I could meet the love of my life tomorrow, that’s exciting!
Can you give at least 10 more that are personal to you?
And I know that most of the items on this list, you should be able to do when you’re in a relationship. However, as you add more people to your life your ‘me time’ is going to feel the squeeze so soak it up now, and keep reminding yourself how much of a value add this man is going to have to be, to get a space in your awesome life.
As I’ve always said, being single is not a waiting room for something better. This could be one of the most inspiring times in your life. If this has helped to inspire you, then would love it if you can give this podcast series a listen. Listen now and for how to stop having crazy relationships and start healthy ones.
Lots of love,
Hayley
P.s. Could you tell that most of the list above was taken from things I used to love doing in my single days? And yes before you ask I do have Cher on my Spotify list!!
