Am I too picky to meet the right guy?

April 9, 2015
▪ 1 mins read

Oh, I love this question!

I bet if you're 30+ and single you have at some point been told that the reason for this is you being too picky.  

Being told you're too picky to find love can hurt and make you question yourself, wondering if you've made a mistake by letting that no-good ex go. Whether your high standards are a big barrier to meeting anyone or whether you should give Mr Nice another shot?  

Now there is something in being too judgemental being a barrier to finding love, and I'll get to that in a second, but first let's address this 'picky' comment.

1. Being told you're too 'picky' creates a subtext

This subtext says that as women, we should be grateful to have a guy to love us, and our job is to put up and shut up. What a horrible message to send to yourself. I'd tell the same to guys who ask me whether they should LOWER their standards to meet a great woman.

2. Your gut knows when it's right.

Forcing yourself to like someone isn't smart, it sets up a bad foundation for liking someone. That's not to say people can't grow on you - they definitely can but you need a baseline of curiosity, in the beginning, to make it work.

3. If you're 'picky' you're not really 'picky'

If anything you probably fear being with someone and so emotionally withdraw when a relationship could have legs. This is much more about you feeling SAFE than being FUSSY- that just diminishes the issue.

So let's get this back to the real issue - TRUST.

You need to feel safe before you can date further. That's a complex dynamic. You have to know you have great boundaries and feel comfortable asserting yourself.  

Once you have the trust/ safety issues nailed then you can afford to be more open-minded and date out of type- seeing who surprises you, who intuitively makes you stop and think.  

That's what your worthy of, nothing less!  

Hayley x

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About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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