Are you afraid of receiving?

September 23, 2016
▪ 5 mins read

Receiving and vulnerability

Welcome to another blog where I bring to you a transcription of first bit of my latest interview. You know, a bite-size. This week I am joined by my friend Charles (more about him below) to talk about the feelings women have when it comes to giving and receiving kindness and attention, and investing in their relationships. 

You can listen to the whole episode (and many others) by following this link. If you want to share your thoughts on receiving in relationships, join Hayley Quinn Club and lets us know.

The interview

I'm here to revolutionise how you see love and dating and offer you a new solution to love. Because I think love is currently being taught to you in a way that actually robs you a lot of your power as a woman. Whether that's the Disney movies, pop songs, dodgy dating advice blogs about how to get your ex back. I'm here to revolutionise all of that and teach you that there is another way that you can engage in love and dating.

So if you're just not feeling very happy at the moment with health going on here to provide you with a new solution. Joining me today is the awesome writer therapist and coach, Mr Charles Ware. He always has amazing insights into this so welcome back to the podcast.


Thank you. That was an amazing introduction!


He's very awesome and handsome and very well accessorised as well. I'd also say that about Charles he dressed as well.


And so many compliments already.


I know, I am just a compliment bomb at the moment. And so what we decided to talk about was actually kind of make me blush, which is weird. Isn't it? Just how that word has such an impact, which is about a woman's ability to receive.


Okay, we might elaborate on that.


We're not saying it strictly in the sexual sense. We're talking it actually just about letting people do stuff for you. [...] I have really come to recognition relatively recently. Which has shocked me that people don't want to do good things to you if you do good things to them necessarily? In fact, it's psychologically more common that if someone does a good thing for you, they want to do more good things for you.

So it doesn't work as like in an exchange system where you give so much and the other person automatically gives the same level back. It's actually more about the other person kind of conditioning themselves or being ready and available to give and be in a constant state of giving. That's more important. [...] It's about sometimes allowing yourself to be open to accepting that and letting that happen.

And in fact, I'm huge on women being proactive in terms of dating. If you want to approach a guy, have sex with a guy, tell the guy that you just want to get married, cool. All power to you. But I also think that is important strategically at times, just to know when it's good to stop giving or over giving when it's good to actually stand back and let good things happen to you,


Yeah, actually, yeah, you said a lot there. Yeah. I remember. I'm trying to see if I can remember. There was a quote that I wrote. And it was like: The problem isn't that you gave too much. The problem was that you gave too much too soon.

And, you know, it's really built around the idea of expectation. It's, I'm giving so much and because of that, I expect the same level in return. If anything, sometimes the same thing in return.

Like you said that the whole idea around cooking is like, did you cook so that he could cook for you and know that you want him to cook for you? And then sort of base whether he's compatibility or quality as a relationship is measured in that way? Or did you cook because you wanted to cook for him?

You know, because like you said, it's like, if you do cook for him, it doesn't mean that he's gonna say he's gonna believe now your position is that of a woman that should be in the kitchen. It's just that he may receive that as an act of kindness. I come across or have come across a lot of women who find it very difficult to receive. But you find that they are very, they give a lot, right? You know, they give so much.


And they give so much so soon, so much so so for the guy, and it's again, it's not about men like the chase, it's actually that you know what it takes a bit of time just to evaluate whether the person is compatible for you or you know, is willing to give as much as one.


Everything that you'll get, for example, if I started a job, and you know, I was told that I looked at the ad and it said, Hey, your starting salary is going to be about 25 K. So I, you know, I started to roll I do everything that a job says I should be doing. And all of a sudden, I see like, you know, four grand into my account that month, which might equate to something like, I don't know, 50-60 grand a month, a year or something.

I'm going to be surprised like, wow, I haven't really done that much. But hey, I've earned this bonus and then I've got a bonus the next week, and I'm just been given all of these things by doing the bare minimum. So I'm there sitting down thinking wow, like, you know, I don't believe that I need to do more.

And I feel like when it is back into the context of relationships, some women and also men, a lot of times there are a lot of women who try to sort of establishing some sort of definitive role within themselves about how they would like to be perceived by a man. So they do this by, you know, offering everything they have to offer. Thinking and to hope that he will see her for what she is. And in doing that, you get them you get upset or disappointed. Like I said, it's like, if you have expectations, you know, you find yourself in a position that will be disappointed, but you don't disappoint yourself by doing that.

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About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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