guru

Choose your guru carefully

Guru- an influential teacher or popular expert.

LoveHQ

In this episode of LoveHQ, we go renegade on the traditional stereotypes around love and dating. I will teach you how to actually get some in your love life. If right now it hasn’t been working out for you, I can tell you, it’s not exactly your fault. There are so many awful messages that you will receive on a day to day basis. Films, books, pop songs, men, business, 99.9% of dating advice, gurus. What a load of rubbish!

So we’re here to debunk that and in fact, show you a much better way which will actually help you to meet people. It’s my pleasure to be joined today by my friend and awesome coach, Rosie Allen. We’ve been having a little chat in my kitchen. The topic we will talk to you about today is how you can get more self-aware when you’re looking for advice. Who to follow? Knowing how to sift the wheat from the chaff or more appropriately, the holier than thou gurus who are just liars, in my opinion from people that can actually help you out and can give you some good advice. So welcome to the podcast Rosie.

Oh, before you read further, have a look at the YouTube social experiment I filmed with Rosie!

The interview

Please note that in transcribing proces some sentences might have been retold in orther to fit a blog format.

Rosie

Thanks so much for having me again.

 

Hayley

Yeah, it’s really good. So we were just chatting, right? You brought up something which I’ve had a conversation with a few people about recently. This is about this whole cult of the guru thing. So listen to me, ladies this might be you.

Everybody needs advice at times and sometimes you get questions relating love and dating and you want to Google them because you’ve run your friendship reserves dry, you still don’t feel confident in the answer or the solution that you’ve got. And so what do you do? It’s really normal in a modern-day era to look on the internet for advice and guidance. The problem is, the internet is like the Wild West. It’s a really unregulated space. Some of it is brilliant, but then also some of it is extremely misleading. So what I wanted to do today is give you a little bit of a toolkit for what to look out for when shopping for advice online. A guide, so that you choose sensibly with what to engage in. So Rosie, what do you think are key warning signs that this guru ain’t worth listening to?

Rosie

I see coaches that quite often try and put on a particular facade and a bit of a mask, and they make out that they are awesome, life is amazing. Everything’s amazing, always great. And I think what it does to people, when they’re looking to try and get help, they literally see them as “Wow, they have a perfect life”. They have a perfect personality. They’re the perfect happiness level. And therefore that’s what I want and before they can show me because they have it and it’s not part of being human. You can’t believe that from anyone really. There might be two people on the planet may be live like that.

Hayley

Like the Dalai Lama or someone! But it’s true- that myth of constant happiness. I hate it, right? Because happiness comes and goes in waves. We wouldn’t be able to identify happiness,, unless we had contrasting states of emotion to state the obvious. So anyone who’s hashtagging constantly awesome- no. Of course, you get angry, you get sad.

Rosie

And in London, we have loads of talks and seminars and so you can get a real good sense of someone. But I have been to some and I’ve known some people I’ve come across that have just been putting that front across that they are just perfect, their life is amazing. So if you do what they do your life will be amazing, too. And that’s not true. Right?

So better find someone who’s definitely authentic. They do share, they do talk quite openly about “Oh, yeah, well, yes, I had this problem. And so this happens and sometimes I do this and do that.”

That means they are a human being and they can relate to you as a human being. And you want a real person, not someone a fake telling you this, as you say before, you know this five-step process to life.

Hayley

There’s a few of them. So we’ve got constant state of happiness stuff. It’s just unrealistic. And it’s just a myth. It’s a social media myth. Don’t believe Instagram, everyone has on glossy moments. That’s one thing.

Secondly, anyone who’s saying that their life is perfect, and you should copy me. I think a crux of actually having a good coaching experience and also developing personally, is we understand that we’re all very individualistic, and we will progress at different rates. We’ll have different strengths and areas that we need to work on. We’ll have different ways that we like to be taught, different ways of expressing ourselves. The list of differences is long and it’s important to grow into yourself rather than trying to copy somebody else.

So, anyone that’s saying, you want to do everything my way, it’s just a narcissist. Also, people that are too rigid- “I’ve got these five steps, five secret mastery tricks to make your ex fall back in love with you. Have the confidence to approach whoever you want. Become empowered in every decision.” Shut up, like no!

Rosie

And it’s one of the things that has drawn people to my talks. Some of the things that I have is people genuinely just say “she’s authentic”. They know they get it because I’m real. And that’s, I think the reason that that seems to be shocking to people and draw some people to us.

I’m sure you have this as well. Honesty is rare, right? Which is ridiculous, because honesty is amazing. But people don’t see it coming. People don’t see it coming because they’re so used to seeing this crap. Ever. Where the media like you said before the magazines, the film’s everything around us, it’s just not 100 true and honest. So when we are giving that I think sometimes that’s what, that’s what people are calling out for really deep inside. That’s what you need to be aware of definitely. You’re looking for someone to help you or guide you.

Hayley

Yeah. And I think also because it’s quite a regulated industry. The other thing that we were talking about is concern that sometimes people will weirdly language stuff. That actually creates lots of bad assumptions around things which then soaks into your mind and then gives you false ideas. So when I say language stuff, I mean the words and phrases people use to describe things. Often they can be quite unethical and you might not even be aware that they are unethical.

This is how shit goes down. A lot of the time when we might not feel at our personal best, our strongest, we come into space where we actually want some support and some comfort. So you’re a bit emotionally vulnerable. Then if you hit a bunch of Internet Marketing, which is set up to exacerbate your fears, it makes the problem worse. It doesn’t matter if the content on the inside is good or not.

It’s like if the lens you’re seeing it through is one that makes you feel worse about yourself or makes you feel disempowered. It’s bad.  […] I will just say please if you get an email like that, just frickin unsubscribe. That’s the best way you show your downvote.

Rosie

Definitely. Be aware of that fear tactics when you’re feeling down and making a choice because you’re in a place of fear. probably not a good idea to make that choice. […]

Hayley

And again, if someone’s not collaborative as a person, I’m really suspicious of that. You know what? Part of the reason I do the podcast is to get other people on there so we can all work together. Different people will appeal to different things. We have different niches, we can all play together happily. […]

If you make a decision, make it from a space of feeling positive, empowered, happy. If you’re feeling weak and depleted, it’s such a bad frame of mind. And you know what aggravates me a lot about women’s dating? Is that I think the message of fear that women are constantly told around love is that time is running out. Don’t get left on the shelf. Don’t scare him off. Don’t be needy. Don’t be desperate. Don’t sit there. That’s the general vibe.

This perpetuates the thing where women starts feeling that the time is running out. So then that drives her to start approaching dating. Like I call it like Black Friday sales for a Husband! You’re like “Shit, I’ve only got 12 hours left, all this stuff on the rack, it is not the right size. It’s not the colour I like. It fits a bit uncomfortable, but I better just take it now.” And you make poor decisions. [..] And it’s because you have been told to fear time passing as a woman! And I think that is an underlying really horrible cultural belief that we need to uproot. […]

The whole episode, alongside the whole Love HQ podcast is available on iTunes, or you can just click here to listen to this episode specifically! 

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