Date Like a Farmer, not a Hunter

February 26, 2015
▪ 2 mins read

When in dating wilderness, be a farmer!

This isn’t a call for you to suddenly go Vegan. It’s about adopting a powerful mindset that will help you to navigate the dating wilderness. It about losing hunting mindset and adopting the dating style of a farmer.  

So here’s the thing most people (not just women) enter into dating like they are waiting to one-day cross paths with some kind of semi-mythical man that’s going to make everything ok.

This causes so many problems... where do I even begin...

  1. If you see this awesome guy as an extremely scarce resource then it will feel REALLY disappointing when you meet a guy who fits the bill, and it doesn’t work out.
  3. It can create a tunnel vision where if someone isn’t 100% of the puzzle you write them off and consider the time you invested in them wasted.
  5. You look out for such a `chorus of angels’ moment when you meet someone, you may pass by a relationship that has legs and could grow on you... because it doesn’t come with the bells and whistles on it.

A lot of this `mythology’ around dating starts with the movies we watch. They all tell us the same story which we then start to believe as truth: that one fine day our Prince will come and when he does it will be OBVIOUS.  

Not so...  

Instead, the real way you develop profound and varied social relationships (which end up building the bridges to meeting someone great and recognising them when you do) is to farm rather than hunt.

How is a farmer different from a hunter?

  1. You appreciate that there are lots of amazing connections to be had out there and that instead of offering `better’ or `worse’ propositions those propositions are simply different than one another. In the process of self-discovery, we work out which are better/ less suited to us.
  3. You know there are loads of people you can date. If you’re not meeting enough people you need to meet more, and when you meet people (even if they’re not 100%!) welcome them into your life, have a curiosity for them, make connections and watch your social circle grow.
  5. Some profound loves are late bloomers. Sometimes the tortoise wins the race. I don’t think big, sweeping, romantic gestures are really all that. If he whisks you off to Paris after knowing you 2 weeks his love might not have the deepest roots.

Being more speculative, developing more relationships, seeing how you relate to people, being non-judgemental, are assets to you meeting someone great.

There’s no one path...but maybe there’s no one One.

To get started on your path (or back on it!) you can get weekly video tutorials from me, *and* as me your questions directly for less than £1 per day! Really... just head to my Club!

Hayley Quinn smiling profile
About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

Stay connected with Hayley
Hayley Quinn Wingman Club left-facing wing icon
By clicking “Accept”, you agree to the storing of cookies on your device to enhance site navigation, analyse site usage, and assist in our marketing efforts. Privacy Policy.