Hating Dating? It's Time To Change Your Mindset

October 18, 2022
▪ 3 mins read

Mindset - the key to successful dating life

So what should you message him back?

What’s the perfect flirty line to say to him?

These dating tips may feel important at the time, but trust me, they are nowhere near as important for your success as mindset.

When you've met a man that excites you, it can be too easy to get lost in the detail of what’s the "right" way to suggest commitment or follow up if he’s being distant. You might over analyse every step, instead of coming back to the bigger picture of what helps to boost your self-esteem, and stop you from questioning yourself. If you feel you’re trying all the "advice" and you’re still hitting your head against a brick wall of no progress, the key to turning this around will probably be your mindset.

Mindset impacts your success in 4 main ways! Read ahead to learn more about them.

1. It influences your internal monologue about dating

Did you lose out on the "perfect" guy or does the fact he’s not in your life right now show he’s not "perfect" for you?Was it another guy who didn’t want to see you again? Or weren't you feeling it either, it just wasn’t a "match"?

What you believe to be true, is going to come down to mindset.We've all had moments of "dating is broken", or "modern men are useless," however you know as well as I do, that you can’t slip into this mindset as your default.

Not only will your internal monologue become sour, and critical, but you’ll also inevitably turn this outwards. You’ll chalk up more experiences as bad ones. You’ll be hasty to judge and your perceived experiences will compound.And this is tough because we have ALL had experiences that disappointed or hurt us. You can’t let this become your benchmark for the future.

2. It devours your motivation

Imagine if you get stuck with the belief, "no one wants commitment anymore". How in the world are you supposed to motivate yourself to go out there and date... when this is what you expect to find?

One of the most compelling reasons to tackle your mindset around dating is that a bad mindset will drain your emotional resources to continue.Dating is often a marathon. If the journey feels too difficult, then it will become harder and harder to continue.That’s why well-meaning friends tell you to "take a break" for a while. I understand you don’t (really) want to take a break. You wish you could have met the guy you wanted months, even years earlier.

However, when people say this to you (as much as it is annoying to hear) they’re flagging to you this well-worn truth: That to get the results you want, you need to "enjoy the journey."(And yes I hate that expression too... but the truth is that your PROCESS around something impacts your motivation to keep doing it.)

3. People are intuitive

Please don’t stop reading for saying this, but he will be attracted to (or turned off by) your "vibe." Even if you’re doing all the right things: You’re being playful, supportive, nonchalant... if deep down he can sense your unhappiness, distrust, or anger... he’ll steer clear. So the goal isn’t to "play the game" and fake a bunch of emotions hoping to snag him.

(Again how is this going to make you feel about yourself to even embark on this?)

It’s to change your emotional currency to one that’s attractive to him, and more importantly, that makes you feel good.Yes, this is easier said than done, but I believe you've got the fortitude to do it.

4. It makes you feel unhappy

The best reason to tackle your mindset around dating is that it can make you feel happier on a day-to-day basis.None of us is happy all the time. We all experience hurt, frustration and sadness, and dating takes some emotional resources. It needs you to be tenacious, resilient, and (to crack it) open-minded, hopeful, and joyful.

The real challenge then often comes down to how can you possibly approach dating again with the same optimism you had when you first started, even after so many good/ bad/ blah experiences.The last thing I want is for you to be going around in circles with your dating life.

And whilst I remember well that it's tough out there, I also need you to stay open, confident and positive. I am here to support you however I can in doing this.

Hayley Quinn smiling profile
About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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