You need to be happy by yourself first' is a lie

February 27, 2017
▪ 2 mins read

You need to be happy by yourself first... you need to be 100% happy single before you meet someone...

"you need to be 100% happy single before you meet someone"

Well YES but then also NO, you do not need tohappy by yourself first.Of course, you should love your company, of course, you should have your own stuff going on, of course being single you should have A LIFE.  

But does true love mystically appear when you’ve crossed a threshold of `happiness solo’?  

Of course, it doesn’t - true love isn’t vented to you in exchange for exemplary singleness  

There is of course strong logic to being independent and not getting too hung up on when you’re going to meet someone. Expectation often kills love. However, I have to call out the fact that I think it is bad advice & simply unfair when people tell you `you have to be happy by yourself first’... like if you could just do a bit better at being by yourself then you would find love. Like there’s an equation in the universe for this.

Most single women I know virtually have degrees in being by themselves.

You go on holiday by yourself.  

Eat dinner by yourself.  

Build your career by yourself.  

You go to bed alone.  

It is enough to make any sane (single) woman cry out, `what more do you want from me??’

So I am here to say yes, of course, keep doing a great job of being by yourself. Enjoy it. But that it is totally okay to acknowledge that you’d like to have a partner. That is natural and normal.  

I think people offer you advice like, `you just have to be happy by yourself first,’ because they don’t know what else to say. They think you’re great and they know you’ve tried online dating, blind dates, dating guys who aren’t your normal type, and more online dating.  

So I have to be the person that tells you what you’re feeling is okay. I get your frustration, your sadness and also how proud you are of yourself for standing on your own two feet. That is a great feeling.

I want to offer you support in two ways.

1. I want to continue to make your single life as kickass as possible. When you feel good about your life you are naturally more attractive and make better decisions about who to include in your life. This doesn’t guarantee you a boyfriend but (more importantly) it means you lead a life of meaning and value.

2. I want to provide you with creative solutions to meet more men, which emphasise personal responsibility. Because yes live life and take active control of making the life you want to happen.

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About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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