RED FLAG: Your date is hot and cold

June 11, 2015
▪ 2 mins read

When he waves that red flag proudly

You have been dating a guy for a month or so. Now you're starting to fall for him.You have great dates. When you're in his company you feel like the world is smiling with you. The only thing is you can't seem to quite understand him, and you're not sure he 100% feels the same way. Are you seeing these red flags?

  • Somedays he'll text you all day long, flirting, asking you to send pictures and being the supportive guy. Others you just don't hear from him.
  • When you ask him about your relationship status he seems positive and invested in you. But then you feel he's gone cold the second you leave the room.
  • There are times when you decide you no longer want to play cat and mouse so you withdraw a little. And when you do, he's right back wanting to be with you.
  • When you try to take a step forwards though... he takes one back. Or he comes through, at the 11th hour only.

This exciting mix of behaviour where you never quite know where you stand can leave you feeling like you're about to start an exciting romance. Because he's just out of reach (but so interesting) you feel if you can just solve him and prove yourself to him more... then he'll give you his 100% instead of his 50%.

I wish I could tell you that this is going to end up in a fairytale romance.

Instead, what I need you to know are these are the early warning signs that the guy you like is at best not fully emotionally available and is at worse exhibiting early signs of controlling behaviour. This is your red flag!

 You will want to take personal responsibility for his off/on behaviour as it's in your nature to be helpful, kind and 'make things work'. However, he is not a puzzle that wants to be solved.

 Someone who is stable open and ready don't do disappearing acts. If your gut tells you somethings up - then don't be convinced that you're just 'over-analysing' things.

 Likewise, someone who says one thing- and then does another, who only wants you when you're uncertain of him, is hooking you in with controlling behaviours.

You don't need to be swayed by this.

Instead of seeing this as the first throws of love see his volatility as a sign to get out. Rather than running off into the sunset, this man will be 'undecided' about you forever. He will give you instability and only half the love you deserve leaving you feeling like you always need more.

 Exit this relationship as soon as you can. Instead of focusing on 'fixing' him, work to fix you and understand what part of yourself believes that they deserve to be treated this way.

 For more support and guidance on forming the 'right' relationships head to my Hayley Quinn Club where I teach you the practical skills to find and keep the right guy.

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About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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