The Neediness: Sort your own life out first

May 13, 2016
▪ 5 mins read

On this week's episode of LoveHQ I'm joined by Jon Matrix from Male Maste

What will neediness do to you?

I'm back with another Love HQ podcast. Now, this is my resistance radio where, in the nicest possible way, we go for an empowering kick up the butt to change your attitudes towards love, sex, and dating. I can't stand on advice, which is telling you to need to send this message to get your ex back.I'm sorry, but you deserve better than that. And you're in the right place.

If you're struggling in relationships with men, you constantly feel like you're picking the wrong partners. Relationships break down, you worry that you're coming across as desperate or needy. You don't know how to flirt. You wonder where have all the good men gone. These are the questions that genuine genuinely troubling you on a day to day basis. I'm here to enlighten you. There is in fact, a completely different and much better way to go about dating and relationships. And it all happens here at Love HQ.

The interview

Now today I'm joined by a male dating expert. His name is Jon Matrix from The Male Mastery. And although he genuinely advises the boys, I think he's got some good words of wisdom when it comes to things like dealing with bad endings to relationships and escaping the beast that is the need. When we're in a space of need, we make terrible decisions. So welcome to the podcast, Jon.


Thank you very much. I think this is the first time I've officially advised women as well.


We began by talking about the need. Now, just to clarify this subject a bit. I don't like it when women are told off for being needy. For instance, you want more attention- stop being needy. If someone says that to you, they just get this. They're ignoring your emotional needs, and they're not responding to you as a nice, civilised, adult, mature partner should.

It's not that neediness that I want to talk to you about today. It is when you're in a relationship with which is what I would say batshit crazy. You're starting to think: Should I be with this guy even though he's cheated on me five times?He trashed the house. And he wrecked my car. He stole all my money. He doesn't listen to anything. He's completely drunk all the time.

When you get into this level where every action they do is insane. As you said, Jon, that's when the need can be really dangerous.


A lot of it is rationalising. With all those things you've said, she'll be coming up with reasons why. She will let him get away with that. Because it was after work, and he was stressed and all these things. And it's rationalising and denial to keep yourself in what could potentially be an abusive situation. And it's the neediness. That's what keeps people there.

It's not just with women, men get it as well. A man and a woman will get together and if they're both needy, it can be a recipe for disaster. They're never going to be out of the relationships. They're not going to be able to pull apart from each other. Because both of them think what the hell am I gonna do? I'm gonna be on my own.

So it's tricky when it comes to neediness. It really is because it depends where it comes from. A lot of it can come from experience. It can come from your parents', from childhood stuff. If there was a lack of love in the household when you were younger, that that can create a needy person who constantly needs love from everybody.


It does. Lots of us haven't had the best start in life. I definitely haven't. My childhood was a bit wack in some respects. And because of that, I think it set me up with the expectation that all future relationships would involve some kind of alcohol or drug dependency. Someone cheating. Not having any money- all these things were ingrained in me. So I started to repeat that as a pattern. It took me ages to look around and go, Oh, that isn't really what relationships are supposed to be like.

So in case you don't know, a relationship- get this- groundbreaking should be the secure base! It should literally be something that grounds you. That makes you feel more secure. Makes you feel better and more confident in other areas of your life. Because you feel that you've got this area handled.

Now to pick a secure partner, and that builds on your security, I think if you're by yourself the best self-defence mechanism that you can ever get, rather than trying to judge a guy on a first date, whether he's gonna screw you over six months down the line or not. The best self-defence mechanism you can get is making your base and your life as secure as possible.

Your fulfilled life will satisfy your neediness

If you've got crap friends that you can't rely on, and they're a bit sort of snarky and bitchy half the time. If you've got a job that drains the life force out of you. Maybe you're living environment is not good, and you're not happy with where you live. You don't feel that you can shut the door on your home if you're not comfortable there. All of this can be extremely disruptive because what it leaves you with is a need, you need something to give you that energy. Some excitement. Or something to strive for in your life.And this is exactly the worst position you can be in to attract the worst kind of person to fulfil that need.

If you reverse all that around, and actually your job is really super fulfilling and gives you a boost your self-esteem, you love living by yourself or with your flatmates. If you're happy, you don't want to move, you don't need to move. You've got awesome friends that you can rely on and you can talk to really openly in a super supportive and give you a lot of love and a lot of nourishment, suddenly, the threshold and the boundary to get into your life has just got a lot harder, higher.

Anybody who's disruptive to that, it should be quite obvious in the beginning, if your work's suffering, you're not comfortable going home, you're not seeing your friends as much as when those things start to shift around. These are the beginnings of the warning signs of a bad relationship. One of the best ways of prevention, rather than cure is to build this awesome life or do things that will help make you feel grounded and secure.

To learn more about the danger of neediness and how to sort your life in such a way that the healthy boundaries will be built, listen to the whole podcast episode!

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About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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