‘Does anyone have the ETA? The postcode? The web domain? Or the best dating app details please?’
The truth of course is that where have all the good men gone isn’t the question you should be asking. As much as it would be nice if all the ‘good’ (and I guess by this we mean single, honest, decent guys) stood together in one place, unilaterally agreed to wearing a green light badge, or all formed a consortium and then joined one dating app… this of course not how things work.
Love isn’t straightforward: it’s tangential.
The idea behind where have all the good men gone is a dating red herring: how we choose to talk about love create our expectations of what love should be like in reality. If we fall for the belief that as women it’s about ‘turning up’ somewhere (& probably looking pretty) we are on a wild goose chase looking for a location for love. Of course I’m going to be annoying and say it’s a state of mind – not a physical location. There’s no special hobby, holiday or bar that attracts all the great guys.
New mindset 1: Great guys are everywhere.
New mindset 2: We all have different definitions of what a great guy is, so it’s a personal decision where to look and how to engage. Not a mass consensus.
So how about we reverse this where have all the good guys gone logic and start with what you think you’re looking for? (*I say think because my experience of coaching says that people often ‘pivot’ on their type and end up dating someone quite different to who they thought they’d like.)
I’m not talking about someone’s career, whether they speak Spanish or (gulp) how tall they are either: have you ever stopped to think about who makes you feel energised? Who makes you feel supported? Who do you feel like you can talk openly to? Who makes you laugh? Who would you trust to call in an emergency?
Think about these people in your life – this is usually a good start point to identify what characteristics compliment you. Funnily enough I don’t think all women want the same kind of cut/ paste guy: whether that’s Christian Grey or Mr. Darcy.
When you’ve thought a little bit about the kind of guy you connect with I want you to next think of how you can put an action plan in place. Remember it’s not where have all the good men gone – it’s the mindset that men are everywhere (!) but you may have to meet many different guys to find a man that you uniquely connect with and who happens to want the same things in his life today as you do.
And yes I know that combination of physical attraction + mental connection + someone who wants the same things doesn’t happen all that often.
This is where your accountability and readiness to take action comes in. Right now you know that the best thing you can do is to have an awareness of what kind of man you’re looking for and then start meeting lots of new people.
Wanting to meet someone without changing up your habits and routines is a bit like wanting to get fit and not making any time to exercise, or eat broccoli. There are 4 main ways by which you can meet new people.
Where have all the good men gone idea 1 – Social Circles! This is still just about the most common way we meet someone significant (due to be over taken by online dating any minute). It’s effective because friends or friends are more likely to be aligned with you in terms of hobbies and interests and less likely to cancel on that date. You may think everyone in your circle has coupled up – could they be convinced to do a ‘bring someone the rest of the group doesn’t know’ dinner party. Or can you be convinced to re-invigorate your social circle and make new friends? Don’t turn up to events and feel disappointed because there’s no guys you like, there’s a room of new contacts and friends for you instead.
Where have all the good men gone idea 2 – Hobbies! I used to think hobbies were lame now I think they’re cool! Hobbies give you the chance to meet people and develop a sense of their character over time: which is very helpful if too many times in the past you’ve caught yourself falling for someone, who turned out to be not the person you first thought. Dance, meditation, martial arts all have a community which you can tap into to feel more connected.
Where have all the good men gone idea 3 – Online! Yeah you may not be the biggest fan of online dating, but if you’re not able to get out much due to work deadlines it’s still a way to meet people. As ever look out for the good eggs out there by seeing who seems invested in the dating process from the start: who replies to your messages quickly, asks relevant questions and seems open to meeting in real life are all good start indicators of how open this guy is to dating.
Remember: someone’s openness (or not) to dating is rarely a reflection of your self worth, it’s usually to do with what stage of life and awareness they are at.
Where have all the good men gone idea 4 – EVERYWHERE. Whether it’s the artisan coffee shop, food market, bookstore, gym, airport lounge or a plain old bar guys do make up nearly 50% of the world’s population. So if you think all the men are already in relationships, deceased or gay you may be over estimating! The thing is, especially in 2018, men are more reserved and cautious when it comes to approaching you. I do not think we should fix this by going back to the good old days of harassment, instead I think it’s great if you can learn to meet him half way, maybe even the whole way and make the first move.
This isn’t about chasing anyone – it’s about being an opportunity creator in your own life.
It’s about accepting that the barrier between you and the good guys, is often the belief that they are out there, and that it is within your power to meet them.