Where Have All The Good Men Gone? How To Meet Guys
Does anyone have the ETA? The postcode? The web domain?
“Which dating apps do all the best quality men hang out on? What type of women are guys most attracted to? Where have all the good men gone?!?”
I hear these questions from women every single day. And it drives me crazy! It’s not that they’re bad questions. But if you’re looking to build a successful dating life this is COMPLETELY the wrong way of going about it.
The truth, of course, is that where have all the good men gone isn’t the question you should be asking. As much as it would be nice if all the ‘good’ (and I guess by this we mean single, honest, decent guys) stood together in one place, unilaterally agreed to wear a green light badge, or all formed a consortium and then joined one dating app… this of course not how things work.
P.S. Head over to my YouTube channel for more video advice on the topics of being single and where to look for men!
Love isn’t straightforward: it’s tangential.
The idea behind where have all the good men gone is a dating red herring. How we choose to talk about love create our expectations of what love should be like in reality. If we fall for the belief that as women it’s about ‘turning up’ somewhere (& probably looking pretty) we are on a wild goose chase looking for a location for love. Of course, I’m going to be annoying and say it’s a state of mind. Not a physical location. There’s no special hobby, holiday or bar that attracts all the great guys.
New mindset 1: Great guys are everywhere.
New mindset 2: We all have different definitions of what a great guy is. It’s a personal decision of where to look and how to engage. Not a mass consensus.
What you think you’re looking for
So how about we reverse this logic and start with what you think you’re looking for? (*I say think because my experience of coaching says that people often ‘pivot’ on their type and end up dating someone quite different to who they thought they’d like.)
I’m not talking about someone’s career, whether they speak Spanish or (gulp) how tall they are either. Have you ever stopped to think about who makes you feel energised? Or who makes you feel supported? Who do you feel like you can talk openly to? Oh, and who makes you laugh? Who would you trust to call in an emergency?
Think about these people in your life. This is usually a good start point to identify what characteristics compliment you. Funnily enough, I don’t think all women want the same kind of cut/ paste guy. Whether that’s Christian Grey or Mr Darcy.
When you’ve thought a little bit about the kind of guy you connect with I want you to next think of how you can put an action plan in place. Remember it’s not about them being gone. It’s the mindset that men are everywhere (!) but you may have to meet many different guys to find a man that you uniquely connect with and who happens to want the same things in his life today as you do.
4 ways to meet new people
I know that combination of physical attraction + mental connection + someone who wants the same things doesn’t happen all that often.
This is where your accountability and readiness to take action comes in. Right now you know that the best thing you can do is to have an awareness of what kind of man you’re looking for and then start meeting lots of new people.
Wanting to meet someone without changing up your habits and routines is a bit like wanting to get fit and not making any time to exercise, or eat broccoli. There are 4 main ways in which you can meet new people.
Where have all the good men gone idea 1 – Social Circles!
This is still just about the most common way we meet someone significant (due to be overtaken by online dating any minute). It’s effective because friends or friends are more likely to be aligned with you in terms of hobbies and interests and less likely to cancel on that date. You may think everyone in your circle has coupled up. Could they be convinced to do a ‘bring someone the rest of the group doesn’t know’ dinner party? Or can you be convinced to re-invigorate your social circle and make new friends? Don’t turn up to events and feel disappointed because there are no guys you like, there’s a room of new contacts and friends for you instead.
Where have all the good men gone idea 2 – Hobbies!
I used to think hobbies were lame now I think they’re cool! Hobbies give you the chance to meet people and develop a sense of their character over time: which is very helpful if too many times in the past you’ve caught yourself falling for someone, who turned out to be not the person you first thought. Dance, meditation, martial arts all have a community which you can tap into to feel more connected.
Where have all the good men gone idea 3 – Online!
Yeah, you may not be the biggest fan of online dating, but if you’re not able to get out much due to work deadlines it’s still a way to meet people. As ever look out for the good eggs out there by seeing who seems invested in the dating process from the start: who replies to your messages quickly, asks relevant questions and seems open to meeting in real life are all good start indicators of how open this guy is to dating.
Remember: someone’s openness (or not) to dating is rarely a reflection of your self worth, it’s usually to do with what stage of life and awareness they are at.
Where have all the good men gone idea 4 – EVERYWHERE.
Whether it’s the artisan coffee shop, food market, bookstore, gym, airport lounge or a plain old bar guys do make up nearly 50% of the world’s population. So if you think all the men are already in relationships, deceased or gay you may be overestimating! The thing is, especially in 2018, men are more reserved and cautious when it comes to approaching you. I do not think we should fix this by going back to the good old days of harassment, instead, I think it’s great if you can learn to meet him halfway, maybe even the whole way and make the first move.
This isn’t about chasing anyone – it’s about being an opportunity creator in your own life.
It’s about accepting that the barrier between you and the good guys, is often the belief that they are out there, and that it is within your power to meet them.
What I REALLY need you to understand
95% of men (and yes, I’m afraid that includes most of the cute ones) ONLY take action when they have a cast-iron signal from you. Now, for some of you that might come as a surprise. And that’s because you’ve received a LOT of bad information over the years.
It always amazes me how many mainstream sources still peddle the myth that you should sit back and wait for your ‘prince’ to magically appear. Personally, I’ve never believed in all this disempowering dating advice. Just stop and think about it… You’ve strived so hard and achieved amazing things in many different areas of your life. So why on earth would you leave your love life down to random luck? It’s ridiculous.
And I’ll tell you what else … I’ve made it my mission to teach women like you to get your confidence and motivation levels up. So you can take the ACTION that will get you meeting and dating those top quality guys. This is where it starts to get interesting for you!