Why Your Operating System for Love is Wrong

July 29, 2016
▪ 3 mins read

OS for love

Welcome back to my Love HQ Podcast! I am here to say that anything to do with how to be the woman of his dreams can burn! This is not a blog about that at all. This is about challenging your operating system in your approach to love. About actually doing something that's going to empower you and change your life for the better. So if you want to throw off the shackles of the dating advice that you're currently receiving, I'm here to burn the rulebook with you.

What I want to do is to teach you a better approach to love and dating. The current paradigm of the current system or lots of our current beliefs around love trap you. By operating out of fear, of being desperate or needy, or scaring him off. What you end up doing is denying most of your instincts, your needs, your wants and your desires. You instead behave in a way that's abnormal and actually unattractive.

I am the one who gets to change him

Women are spoken to, when it comes to love and dating, with a self-sacrifice idea.

"I can change him." "I can fix him with the love of a good woman." "Because I'm so empathetic" "I can open his heart". "And I'm so smart. With all the love and willingness I can get this guy to heal."

No, you can't! You're going to get sucked into his wound and it's going to end badly.

One of the things that my nan said to me that I thought was great: Hayley, look at the small actions. The big things people will be more conscious of, and they'll lie about more easily. Look at the small things. The way they treat people, the little subtle gestures that they are not even aware they're doing. Those will be the tells which can give you an insight into the nature and the character of a person.

The thing I've been guilty of as well isn't how people talk about the failings of previous relationships. Or about people they've been within the past. How much blame they accept in that? Are they giving a well-balanced view? Are they showing self-awareness? Or do they talk about their crazy exes or being terrorised by someone or being conned out of a business deal about someone else's ineptitude.

Judgment v evaluation

Now, that's when someone's can't see in that space of passing judgement, but not give an equal and balanced view on events that always rings alarm bells for me. And there are other signs as well. If you can pace things more, you get a better chance to evaluate.

The good thing about actually building a relationship, and that can be physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, time spent together, is people sometimes take some evaluating. And it's not obvious always at the beginning. Sometimes on the surface, people can seem they can fit that perfect image that you have. But actually, it takes time to engage with them and learn their behaviours before you can make a good judgement call or good evaluation, I should say and what they're about.

Operating system recharge

When it comes to female dating advice it often comes down to having date loads. And now with opportunities like Tinder and Bumble, women can go on dates all the time, right to the point where you are so exhausted, and over capacitated mentally. You've got busy jobs and demanding friends, you're going on three days a week, by the end of that having no time sat there by yourself, you don't get any inflexion points. You don't actually get the chance to process and evaluate stuff.

So to all that external activity, which is positive about being proactive and going out and meeting people, if there's no way to evaluate and reflect. A lot of the time it becomes senseless. So I would always encourage you to have an evening and it's one night a week at least, where you're by yourself and you don't have the TV on. You're not scrolling through Instagram, while you're sat there.

Maybe you will be cooking some food or meditate or do some yoga or just chilling out. But you will actually allow the thoughts and the knowledge to arise. Because when someone has a bad egg, or they've shown you worrying signs, but we get so attached to that vision of what we want someone to be that we dismiss what we intuitively know.

If you want to unlearn the norms society has put on us regarding dating and what is "expected" of us as women, join my Hayley Quinn Club for women!

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About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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