Welcome back to the only place where you're going to hear the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about dating sex, love and relationships. So if you're constantly trapped in a cycle of hanging out with all of the worst partners, ending your relationships and calamity, finding no one, you're like, why are you talking about relationships Hayley? I can't even find a good date at the moment.
Or maybe you are struggling to get past date 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 with someone that you actually like. And you're hearing terrible messages, saying this is the message you need to get the other guy, get the guy you want back or you'll be needy if you say this to him. If you're approaching dating and you are confused- Welcome home. I'm going to sort this out for you myself.
Joining me on the show today is the awesome Charles Rare, also known as Rare Thoughts. Charles is the co-founder of Subjectivity UK, a therapist and writer. And he's here in the nicest possible way to help me kick your butt and help you to understand how you are actually the epicentre of power in your life. And if all your relationships are spiralling out of control, there's just simply a better way that you can approach things to make them smooth. So welcome to the show, Charles!
Thank you for having me today Hayley.
I met Charles at this awesome group called Subjectivity UK (which he co-runs), I spoke at a few weeks ago. Subjectivity UK analyses all different issues from a perspective of debating them, challenging perspectives, pulling them apart. [...]
The messages that you hear most of the time about love and dating disempower you. What's even worse about them, is they come in a really sneaky form. Often in the language that we use, and our broader media, like the movie where the guy is really unavailable and a bit of rubbish and seeing two women at once. But you still kind of want him to fall in love with the female protagonist, and then to run off happily ever after?
You know how sometimes you get the person doing sign language on signing, you need somebody in the corner, just analysing this and going this is never gonna end well. This is not going to turn into a good and beautiful relationship. And so one of the interesting things that we discussed accidentally off the podcast, was the fact that women are so empowered, and the fact they don't realise it a lot of the time. It's because what's being said, I think you said to throw a veil over it. That was your expression.
Yeah, I think what I was saying is that the oppression currently happening with women is no different than racism. It's just a lot more subtle, right? So there's a veil being front over the empowerment of women and their personal evolution. And I've always personally believed that can only occur if they believe that you are really powerful. Why would you try and break something down that doesn't serve a threat to you? That isn't going to sort of make you feel fear, you know, threatened?
Yeah, if something is so powerful, why would you need to bring it down? Well, I think one of the funny things and the main feminist discussions at the moment is how language can trap us. And the thing about it is, it's so sneaky, you don't really see it coming. So every time you read that post, which says, You know what, if you communicate your true feelings you got to be careful, otherwise, you'll scare him off. Well, that might make you needy.
Now, if you look at that objectively, for a second, instead of getting afraid think- hang on a minute. So that means that if I honestly expressed what I need and want to feel happy and secure in this relationship, then I'm chasing him away. So my expectation of relationships isn't that someone should be supportive of me, or should listen to me or should spend their time investing in me. It's in fact that I should expect that if my real feelings are communicated that either I lose the relationship, or that someone reacts negatively or dismissively.
You know what? I personally feel like the way someone reacts to you isn't necessarily the most important part. But it's more so that what that saying is that I have to change and has to remain how they are. So that person can be the worst in the world for you. But I have to sort of change to cater and to be more accepting and open into his behaviours rather than sort of saying that, you know, actually my behaviours are just as important, my feelings are just as important.
And it opens up the discussion of the question is to say, then: Well, you know this is who I am? I am my feelings to a particular degree.Then what does it mean that he can't handle that? What does it mean that if he runs away, or he acts negatively towards that? Does it feel like it's saying a lot more about the person than it is saying about you?
Exactly. And I think you have to be very, very, very conscious, that if you are dating someone, you try and communicate your feelings, honestly, that sometimes, people can not be the best at handling. Be very wary of someone who tries to minimise your feelings by saying, Oh, you're just getting overly emotional., or You're being anxious.or Why are you behaving that way? Because they're not actually addressing what you need to make you feel good. They're just simply shouting out- It's not my fault.
Yeah, they made a big assumption. They're saying that they're trying to define your feelings for you. And in some respects, that can be fine. But then there's a difference between the person that comes along and says, But okay, why do you feel like that? Tell me what I can do to help improve this feeling that you're experiencing.
You can listen to the whole episode here!