Especially when the abrasive girl at the club who you’re not that into says, “look I think you’re cute, but I’m just not that into you, so bye”.
You then think of all the good times, “Harriet used to have shoes like that, but hers were way nicer”. The dark thoughts spiral, the alcohol isn’t helping. And you start to think, “do you know what would be a great idea messaging my ex-girlfriend at two in the morning”. You just really want to know how to get your ex girlfriend back.
You think of how much you miss that person and how happy you were with them. For whatever reason they’ve moved on and you can’t quite seem to move past this block.
Six months or a year down the line, you’re still thinking “how to get my ex-girlfriend back.”
As a coach, this is a really common cycle for people to go through. They build an image of the ex-girlfriend in their head, and no one can quite live up to this image.
People can then become depressed because they feel as if that person was the only right person for them.
What I can see from coaching people and speaking to people is two really stand out things people have in common when they become depressed after a relationship and want to get their ex-girlfriend back.
- They were in love with the idea of that person, more than the actual person.
We have a tendency to idolise people and the way in which they arrived to us if they do not seem within our grasp. “but you don’t understand man, we both like star wars, it was so meant to be”.
If you met in a circumstance in which seemed out of the blue, the fantasy can become more reconstructed and worshipped.
You feel as if it cannot be recreated. This is when it can become on the verge of being unhealthy for the long term.
What happens is that people are attracted to the people they fall in love with. Unfortunately the falling in love can have a lot to do with the person fitting perfectly into our storyline to complete our movie that we live in.
That fact that we search for these people has a lot to do with the second biggest factor for why you’re thinking about how to get your ex-girlfriend back.
- They do not have high self esteem
this is the factor that most people come and have coaching and the very reason that made me have the motivation to become a coach.
That is not having enough self-esteem. I would like to say there is a big difference between confidence and self-esteem.
If someone has high self-esteem, they will have lots of confidence.
However, if someone is highly confident, is does not mean they have a high amount of self-esteem.
Self-esteem is the opinion that you have of yourself. When the opinion is low, the person is much more likely to go searching for something that can fill that boost that opinion.
In a lot of people’s cases they search for it in the form of a person. Some it’s their income, some it’s their Instagram likes.
If a person is fulfilling an emotional gap for you, the biggest problem with that is that a person isn’t a steady thing. So if and when they leave, you are left with all the self esteem problems that you started with, except now they are more visible because you get upset every time smell that same shampoo that she used to wash her hair with.
The focus should not be how to get your ex-girlfriend back. But how to be happy by yourself and not making your happiness reliant on others opinion of you.
When someone leaves you, it can often come as a complete surprise, because what you perceive to be good, theother person perceives to be an ok relationship.
The reason is that you wanted it a great relationship more than you wanted to work on making yourself independent.
When the time comes and a that girlfriend leaves. Emotionally everything seems to collapse, you feel lonely and abandoned: you are consumed with thoughts about how to get your ex girlfriend back.
Although after a tough break up can seem like one of the worst things you can experience and for some people that is true.
It can be the cause of a lot great things to come in your life. For the most part it can break people and harm their ability to trust and be truly happy again.
But there is a small amount of people that use to their advantage. After a break up is the perfect time to reflect on things you are not happy about with yourself.
Try and thing of the common problems in your life and think, what is the connection between you and them and what are you doing that is increasing the chances of you being unhappy.
A good start would be to talk about it with friends and people that you are close to and that you can trust. You will find that many people have been through similar experiences in their life… most people can relate to getting stuck on how to get your ex girlfriend back.
I would also recommend therapy and counselling so you have a consistent conversation with a professional about it.
You can then start to do things in your life you really enjoy, where people like and value you. whether it’s a sport, career move or the people around you this will provide an outlet for your self esteem.
If you feel like you don’t have these, create them otherwise the spiral of thinking all the time about how to get your ex girlfriend back will continue.
I mistake that men and women make when trying to get over someone is think is going through physical transformations, I would not recommend this.
“Post break up goals, grow a Mohican and get ripped, then she’ll take me back for sure, I’ll get some pictures with some random girls I met and the club for good measure”.
Definitely don’t be that guy.
Take the time to get good at something. If you already have a particular area, expand it and do something new. If you feel you don’t then start doing things that you’ve always had an interest in and start exploring it.
Mix this in with talking about your situation so you can start to see how improve areas of your life.
Through time and perspective you will start to feel better again.
With the self esteem you have acquired you will start to attract people as well as women.Thoughts of how to get your ex girlfriend back will come to an end as your new life gets stronger.
You might even attract again the women you once lost, but now that you’re happy, who cares.
This post was contributed by my Academy coach JackHQ.