For Men

How do women choose guys on a dating app?

October 19, 2020
▪ 2 mins read

When you cannot meet her IRL

You should know by now, I am a big fan of meeting women in real life, but with C19 lingering and winter around the corner, you would be shrewd to also make sure that you have a great profile, pictures and of course messages on any dating app.  

If you’re currently finding online dating to be throw-phone-at-wall frustrating then it’s worth taking some time to gain some insights into how women on dating apps typically behaved, to have a re-think on your dating strategy.

Wating is... cancelled

To start with, here’s an obvious piece of advice, DO NOT wait for women to like / wink/ message you first.  

This is not how women choose guys on dating apps: first of all lots of women will not be proactive at sending messages to a man, or liking a man, before that man has liked her. A lot of women on swiping apps actually don’t swipe - they just look through their match queue, or their inbox, and respond to the best of the bunch from there.

Inbound queue

Women prioritise inbound messages and likes - as these guys have already demonstrated that they like the woman. If a woman has plenty of choice from this `inbound’ queue (which she does) there’s not much incentive there for her search through the app for other new guys to like or message.  

When she’s going through her matches she will take a look at your opening message. If this is good she will check out your profile and then think about responding.  

The moral of this story is you can’t be passive on dating apps, you have to be sending out a lot of messages, and those messages have to be sufficiently unique compared to what all the other guys out there might write.

Dating apps require time!

Now I know what you’re going to say (!) `Hayley, this sucks!!’ and trust me, after coaching thousands of men for over a decade, I know that online dating isn’t without its challenges.  

Yes, you have to send a lot of messages out to get something back.  

I know, a lot of those messages will go unresponded to.  

Yes, a lot of those messages will get lazy responses.  

And yes, a lot of those messages that get positive responses will fizzle out.

But this blog isn’t about us throwing our hands in the air and saying, `I QUIT!’ it’s about working out how you can get BETTER!

Master Messenger

Right now, I’ve decided I’m going to help you to become a Master Messenger! Over the coming weeks, we’re going to look at what mistakes you can dodge when it comes to messaging, and how to really make your texts/ WhatsApp/ messages work for you.  

And what better place to start than what message should you send first on a dating app!  

A good first message doesn’t solve all your problems: you still need a good profile and pictures to back this up BUT it does get you halfway there.  

See you in my next blog!  


Hayley x

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