He Hasn't Text In A Few Days

March 21, 2024
▪ 25 mins read

Are you caught in the puzzling cycle of why he hasn't text in a few days and wondering what to do next? If you're agonizing over why he hasn't texted in a day, 48 hours, or even a few days, you're not alone.

8 Reasons He Hasn't Text In A Few Days and What To Do Next

I’m dating coach Hayley Quinn, and for over 15 years I’ve coached men and women to develop practical skills for dating. You may have watched my TEDx talk, read one of my books on dating, or seen one of my appearances in international media.  I also work as the dating expert for Match UK

If you’re wondering why he hasn't text in a few days here are 8 key psychological motivations for him going quiet as well as 8 corresponding action steps you can take:

1. He’s just not that into you 

So let’s see if he’s not messaging you all day, simply because he’s lacking interest (ouch).  

From my experience coaching thousands of men, I can tell you now that when a man wants to see you, he will make a clear effort to see you. 

You will not be left staring at your phone wondering why he hasn’t reached out all week, and what happened to him saying he wanted to meet this weekend? 

Instead he will be clearly, and consistently, setting up dates with you. The rule of thumb is that the “right” potential relationships for you will feel easy, the dates will just flow and you will absolutely not feel totally confused.  

However, it can be hard to reconcile that he’s just not that invested in developing a relationship with you, when you feel such a strong connection to him. 

This can be even more confusing, when his behavior towards you runs hot and cold. Men have a tendency to come on strong when they first meet a woman they’re attracted to, which is easy to misread as him choosing to be in a relationship with you. (He’s not, he’s just attracted to you.)

If you’re staring at your phone wondering why he hasn't text in a few days, this can feel especially disorientating, if up until now he’s been the one chasing you up to meet him. Especially if it’s been a long time since you met a man you really liked (and you just know he felt a connection too) so you can’t understand why he’s not as enthusiastic as you are to follow this relationship up. 

Maybe your heart sings when he does (eventually) message you.

However, trust me when I say that no level of attraction and connection to him is worth the constant anxiety of being with someone who is on the fence about you. 

✅  What To Do Next: 

If he cancels on you at the last minute, you haven’t heard from him all week and he retreats every time you try to initiate a “where’s this going” chat you already have your answer. 

It’s not the one you want right now, but he will show you how invested he is in you through his actions. So forget that great connection you had on your first date, and really focus on whether how often he’s messaging you now, lines up with how you’d expect a partner to treat you?

Remember taking this feedback on board isn’t a failure or a rejection. Ultimately, if he’s “just not that into you”, moving on will free you up to meet someone who you feel just as strong a connection to, but who gives so much more to the relationship. 

Remember your dating success doesn’t hinge on this one guy liking you. 

Success can mean walking away from opportunities that aren’t right for you: because you’re confident that you can do better. 

A woman looking sad checking her phone for text messages
Margot now regretted her all night Love Island binge, but THIS was surely the final episode

2. He’s too busy to date in the way that you want

Dating isn’t always a priority for people: Especially men.

Not all, but a lot of women will feel pressure to meet a great guy whilst they’re still young enough to have children. Men don’t have the same time pressures around dating, meaning he gets to approach his life in a more linear fashion.

Most, not all, men will initially focus on developing the career aspect of their life. He wants to build wealth and stability first, then choose a partner second. That doesn’t mean that during his “career focused” time that he’s a monk, but that he may not be in the right frame of mind to take any of the relationships he does have particularly seriously.

During this time in his life, he may not see the relationships he is in as inevitably moving towards the outcome of long term commitment. His relationships will be a sideline to his main focus, which is his work, and his life purpose. 

If you’re thinking why he hasn't text in a few days, this could be indicating to you, that finding a partner isn’t a priority to him right now. He may arrange a date and then not message to confirm it, or go days without texting you. 

You may find that he’s always busy at work, or out with friends. That he seems to make an effort sometimes, but at others you’re left staring at your phone when he hasn’t texted you in a few days. 

✅  What To Do Next:

His lack of communication could be telling you that dating overall isn’t that much of a priority to him. This isn’t a reflection on you, this is just the life stage that he’s in. 

Think carefully about whether this lines up with what you want, and answer this question to yourself honestly. When you really like someone it can be tempting to lower your standards and settle for a relationship that isn’t what you want, because you want to keep him in your life. 

However, just accepting a status quo that doesn’t actually work for you can lead to resentment down the line. You may not have told him as much, but deep down you may feel like you’re constantly compromising. 

If you feel you’re always compromising, and he always puts you second, eventually this will spill out into the relationship. 

Instead, if he’s always putting you second, take a step back. Go out with your friends. Smile at cute guys. Book a solo weekend away.  

He will notice a shift in your energy, in choosing not to focus on him as a priority. For some men this will be the push they need to re-evaluate what’s important to them, for others they won’t be motivated enough to win you back. 

Keep in mind that even if he’s not motivated to prioritise you, many men will be, so you can let this one go. 

3. He prefers more space in his relationships than you do 

In relationships people can have very different needs for how much space and intimacy they prefer. Some people will want to message each other all day, every day… hey, they’ll even want to see each other all the time.

The fact you’re wondering why he hasn't text in a few days shows that you probably value intimacy and closeness. 

For others, maybe him, texting you all day, and spending lots of time together, can quickly feel claustrophobic. Some people like being in a relationship, but find the experience of building a relationship intense. They value their own time and space to regulate their emotions, and place a high degree of importance on their independence. 

Part of this greater need to “do his own thing” may show up in how he messages you. Perhaps, again he does set up regular dates with you, but in between times he may go 2 or 3 days before he texts you. 

For you, this can create anxiety: If he likes you then why are you left thinking yikes he hasn't text in a few days? 

The trick here is to not create a narrative as to “why” he’s not messaging you. The fact he hasn’t messaged you all day can simply mean he’s focused on himself, not that he’s seeing someone else. 

✅  What To Do Next: 

Remember, that you build your relationship with him when you’re apart, as well as when you are together. When you’re apart you’re giving one another trust, and also figuring out if this amount of intimacy feels aligned between you both. Perhaps you like a higher degree of independence in your relationships too, and are happy to give him his space.

Or maybe you’re now coming to the conclusion that you want a relationship that’s a lot more connected, and that he may not be compatible with you. If this is you, be honest with yourself about your needs, then be honest with him. 

He will react better to you calmly communicating your needs, than letting your needs get to the point that they’re so overwhelming (and unmet) that you explode. 

Find a time with minimal distractions to chat: Tell him you like him, but you’d like to feel more connection to him. Tell him that you’re attracted to men who are great communicators, and you love receiving good morning messages. 

Now, see if he takes this feedback onboard. If he’s able to negotiate a compromise with you between his needs for independence, and yours for connection - great! If he brushes over your needs, and nothing changes, you know what you need to do. 

4. He’s just not a texting guy 

Perhaps you enjoy building a connection with the man in your life by messaging him everyday. You might feel happiest when you wake up to a “good morning” message from him because it makes you feel cared for, and loved. 

Not everyone likes to give and receive love in the same way. Perhaps your love language is words of affirmation i.e. you’re a strong verbal communicator and enjoy receiving compliments. 

He may feel exactly the same way as you do, but show his love in a completely different way. He might be the guy who shows up on time for all your dates, and makes a consistent effort to see you. Maybe he fixed your washing machine, or took a spider out of the bath. Maybe he’s proudly introduced you to his friends or family. 

If a man is consistently investing in a real world relationship with you, how he messages you might just come down to how he prefers to communicate. 

If you already know his friends and family, do they comment on how he’s hopeless at replying to messages? Is his WhatsApp or iMessage a mess of unanswered messages? Apart from the fact today you’re stuck thinking why hasn't he text in a few days are you otherwise in a happy relationship?

If so, you may just be building a relationship with a man who shows his love for you in other ways.

✅  What To Do Next: 

We all like to feel needed and valued for what we contribute. If you can see that he’s definitely making an effort, just not in the way that you like, don’t immediately criticize him. Start by thanking him for all that he does give to the relationship: This will set a positive tone for the conversation with him. 

Next, express what you love. Explain to him that words are really important to you, and it would mean so much to you for him to send you a good morning message. Men who are invested in building a relationship, often appreciate these clear directions on how to improve their relationship with you.

Equally, listen to how he wants to be loved! Maybe when you text him first, it’s not hitting the mark. He may prefer quality time, a hug or you making him his favorite meal one night (not every night!!) instead. 

In recent research by Hallmark, only 14% of people in relationships have been asked about their love language – and of those, 57% noticed a difference in the way the person showed them love after they’d had that conversation! 

So this could be a great opportunity for you to strengthen your relationship. 

Rosalind briefly contemplated closing the blinds on seeing her mother pull up

5. He’s worried that texting you makes him look needy 

Just like you, men often experience a lot of insecurities when they meet a woman that they like. If you’re right at the start of dating a guy you like and you haven’t heard from him, he could be holding back as he’s worried that any more communication from him will make him appear needy. 

Particularly if a man really likes you, and doesn’t feel he’s that ‘good’ at communicating via text messages, he may only message you when he needs to (to arrange a date). In-between times he may hold back from messaging more than once a day, or telling you that he’s thinking about you, as he’s worried he’ll put you off by coming on too strong. Ironically this leaves you feeling insecure and worrying why he hasn't text in a few days. 

A lot of men will have had the experience (just like you) of really clicking with a woman, only for the relationship to go nowhere, so this time around he’s engaging more cautiously. His lack of messaging you, could represent his desire to not “mess it up” by overwhelming you too early on in the relationship. 

✅  What To Do Next: 

If this is the case with a guy you like, what you will notice is, over time as he feels more confident that you like him, he will start to message you more regularly. If instead, he’s not messaging you more than once a day because he’s not that into you, or not ready for a relationship, you’ll notice exactly the opposite pattern: His communication will get even more inconsistent as the relationship develops. 

I know it can be frustrating to have to ‘wait it out’, when you really want to know today what the outcome of getting to know this man is. However, if you try to rush to a conclusion, you may well come to the wrong one. People take a long time to get to know, so relax and trust that in a very short period of time the reasons for his behaviour will become a lot clearer. You will not be left thinking why he hasn't text in a few days forever!! 

6. He’s unsure what the dating etiquette is here

In the world of modern dating, it can be hard to know how and when to communicate. Perhaps you met on a dating app, have swapped phone numbers, and added each other on social media. With all these different ways to communicate: Which one should he choose to message you? 

Men can sometimes take on a disproportionate amount of responsibility for a relationship: If it succeeds or fails, he may chalk this up to him not doing something “right”, rather than mutual incompatibility. If you have multiple channels to communicate with, this could be even more bewildering. 

The normal dating etiquette here is that if you’ve met on a dating app, but have swapped numbers, that he should communicate with you using your phone number. If you’ve arranged a date on a dating app but haven’t heard from him. Or if he seems happy to chat away on a dating app, without asking for your number, or using it to arrange a date, this is a red flag. 

Likewise, if he likes photos on social media, replies to your Instagram stories, but has left your last message on read, watch out. If he reads your messages but doesn’t reply (except for a like on social media) he’s not participating in building a relationship with you.

He may like the attention, or want to keep you in mind as an option, but for you this should never be good enough.

✅  What To Do Next: 

In all your interactions with men you’re looking for consistent effort from him, in the real world. If you’re questioning why he hasn't text in a few days, and noticing he’s not asked you out, by he has been engaging with your social media this is indicating that he’s not focused on dating you right now. He wants to keep you open as a possible option, but isn’t in the right headspace to build a relationship with you in a meaningful way. 

If he’s already left you on read, avoid the temptation to follow up and text him to remind him that you exist. Or to check up on his social media to work out ‘what he’s up to’. Checking up on someone’s social media often comes from a place of control, you want to know why he’s not texting you. 

Instead, choose today that you don’t need to know his exact reason for him not prioritizing you, all you need to know is that he’s not prioritizing you, and that doesn’t meet your standards.

Remember you need more than a few likes on social media to maintain your interest. 

7. He’s quietly quitting on your relationship

Did he used to text you all the time but now you’re always checking to see if he’s read your message thinking why he hasn't text in a few days?! Has he gone from excited to see you, to always being ‘busy’ when you suggest meeting up? If so, the reason why he hasn’t texted you all day, could be that he’s quietly quitting on the relationship.

Quiet quitting means he doesn’t want the confrontation involved with telling you that he’s not ready for a relationship with you. Perhaps he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, or is hoping that if he makes no effort with you, that you’ll move on to someone else. 

In terms of how he messages you this might mean he only responds occasionally to your texts; he’s active on social media but not replying (sidenote: don’t stalk his profile!) or he hasn’t messaged you in days. 

Whilst this sounds, well, horrible, it comes from a misplaced desire to be liked by you. He thinks you’re a nice woman, he’s not ready or interested in being your boyfriend; so he hopes that he doesn’t have to hurt your feelings: By doing a ‘slow fade out’ from your life, he hopes you’ll take the tricky decision to end the relationship into your hands.  

✅  What To Do Next: 

For yourself, even if you really like him, remember you absolutely deserve a man who is putting in the effort into getting to know you. If you’ve been dating for several weeks, and you sense he’s ‘quietly quitting’ on the relationship then it could be time to have a conversation about what you need.

Avoid kickstarting that conversation with him in a way that creates a judgment i.e. “I can tell you’ve lost interest.” Instead simply observe that he hasn't texted you all day and inquire in a more neutral way, “I noticed you haven’t been in touch much, and I wanted to check in with you?” This gives him space to explain how he’s feeling. By not feeling judged, he is also more likely to give you an honest answer. 

If after neutrally enquiring as to how he’s feeling, he’s still unable to open up to you, and he continues to not text you all day; yes you’ll have to be the one to decide to let him go. Take comfort that if he’s avoiding communicating with you, then this isn’t a quality you want in a long term partner. 

8. He’s a bad texter 

The simplest explanation is that he simply doesn’t think it’s necessary to text you more than once or twice a day. He may feel secure in the relationship, and think the fact that he’s meeting up with you is enough for you to know that he’s interested. 

Dating can raise a lot of people’s anxieties: And if you really like a guy, you may be looking for him texting you everyday as a sign of reassurance that he likes you.

To him, he knows that he likes you, assumes you know too, and doesn’t think it’s necessary to text you more than every few days. 

Here it’s important to check in with your expectations: Are you going on regular high quality dates? (That means you’re not just “hanging out” at each other’s houses.) Is he responsive when you message him? Is he relaxed and go with the flow? Then he might not see a deeper meaning in messaging you less. 

✅  What To Do Next: 

It can be frustrating if you feel you have to initiate everything with him. However, if he’s doing lots of the right actions, try not to place too much meaning if he hasn’t texted you in a few days.

It’s important in a relationship to be able to express what you need. You and your partner's needs will not always be aligned, but the right relationships are able to work through these points of incompatibility. If the question mark surrounding why he hasn't text in a few days is leaving you feeling cold, you could choose to simply communicate that you find it attractive when a man takes the lead. 

There’s no point hoping he’ll read your mind, if you’d like your boyfriend to message you more often, and be a better initiator first of all (kindly) communicate your preference. Secondly, if you want him to text you more often, and plan more dates, stop getting in the way of him taking that action by you doing it all yourself! Instead choose to step back, relax and see if he takes the lead. 

I hope that by looking behind your fears around why he hasn't text in a few days that you’ve now got 8 solid reasons why he might act that way, and a game plan about what to do about it.

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How to keep a positive mindset if he hasn't text in a few days

In terms of day to day stress, nothing beats meeting a great guy, having some great dates, and then him disappearing. And you are left thinking, 'Okay he hasn't text in a few days, what should I do?'

The first few dates seemed to go great, you got closer, and then he seemed to change. His messages got cold, distant or straight up stopped.

It's been 3 days, 5 days, a week and you still haven't heard. So far you've done a good job of getting on with your life, you haven't been 'needy' and rung him - but what next? He doesn't seem to be chasing you.

You might wonder if you should break the ‘no contact rule’ and be the one who initiates. You may get confused whether you should match his energy on messages, and text nothing. Perhaps you’ve already messaged him, and he hasn’t replied. Now you’re worried you said the ‘wrong’ thing, or that it wasn’t clear that you wanted a response to your text. 

This sudden gear shift in the intimacy levels you were feeling is enough to start most people questioning 'what did I do wrong?'. 

If your relationship has progressed, you may also start to feel some self judgment, 'I knew I shouldn't have slept with him' or ‘ah I wish I hadn’t told my friends I’d met a guy I like.’ 

Stop right now: in this mindset, you're already losing.

I know it may feel like there are a ton of unwritten rules for dating. Especially dating in London and other big cities. This is why it's my job as a dating coach and relationship expert to help support you in making decisions that empower you.

Also not getting a response to that message you sent can feel just straight up rude.

What’s a typical timeline if he hasn't text in a few days?

What you should do if he hasn’t texted in a day, 48 hours, or a few days? Should you ever break the “no contact rule” or should you tell him how it makes you feel when he hasn’t texted all day? Let’s take an even deeper look at a day by day game plan for how you react…

1. Stay calm if it’s been less than 48 hours since he last texted 

If it has been less than 2 days since he last texted, then try to not let his lack of contact bother you. There is a good chance he is preoccupied with something else, and this is nothing to worry about. 

If you’re finding the lack of contact from him anxiety inducing, get home from work, put your phone on airplane mode and avoid checking your WhatsApp status or social media activity. Constantly checking when he’s last online will send you on a spiral of wondering what he’s up to. You may invent reasons as to why he’s not in contact with you. You may imagine the worst possible scenarios. Rather than thinking why he hasn't text in a few days, remember you have your own life to live. 

Don’t let the worry surrounding the fact he hasn't texted in a few days consume all your time and energy. Taking a moment to center yourself is a much better idea than launching an investigation (incessantly checking when he was last online, or what he’s posting on social media) into why he’s not in touch. 

What's really going on here is that you want CLARITY. You don't have enough information to know what he's thinking. So you try to fill in the gaps with some FBI style super sleuthing. 

Part of becoming more comfortable with dating is learning that when you first meet someone, there will be inevitable moments of uncertainty. You don’t know him, and can’t expect to know him well enough to make a judgment call about why he hasn’t text in a few days. 

So, instead of thinking about him, think about where your feelings are coming from? Why is your first thought that he’s lost interest in you? Or that he’s chosen someone else? Time to give yourself a hug, refocus on your life and think about what you expect from him to keep your interest. 

Sometimes by watching and waiting we get the best feedback on whether someone is right for us. If he can go a day without talking to you, so can you.

2. Don’t be tempted to text him if it’s been more than 2 days and he still hasn't texted

You got too tempted and have seen he's been active on social media - urgh now it’s even harder to not contact him. 

Your mind whirls around, “how can he be active on social media and not replying?” "He hasn't text in a few days - what’s going on?" 

Remind yourself that you don't lose any 'power' by reaching out to him.

However, if you can hold off texting him first there’s a good reason to do this. When you leave him to initiate contact with you, you get a good insight into how he is choosing to invest in the relationship with you. 

How often he stays in touch, how much effort he makes, how regularly he plans dates are all good ways you can weigh up if he can meet your needs. If you kick start this potential relationship by over giving and being the one to always initiate texts with him, you will never get the feedback loop of knowing what he would have been motivated to do of his own accord.

Not messaging in this case, isn’t playing games, it’s matching the energy that he’s putting into the relationship. 

However, if your intuition is telling you something is up, and you really, really can’t wait to text him, send a message that's light and offers something from your day. 

Remember you are aiming to communicate in a way that feels natural to you and that builds an emotional connection: 

"How's your Monday? I just got in... intense but good day!"

Or send a photo (not directly of you, but perhaps something you’re doing) saying “How's your Monday. This is me *emoji*”

Before you hit send though, seriously consider how you’ll feel if he still doesn’t respond.

3. Consider moving on if he STILL hasn't texted

You now feel bummed out that you ruined it by sending that text message ('thanks Hayley....'). 

If you feel this way, re-read your last message to him, was it in any way weird/ horrific/ off-putting? 

No. I bet you were just communicating. His lack of response tells you he doesn't want to communicate back but this probably has very little to do with the content of your last message. 

Either he wasn't who you thought he was. Or has another situation in his life dominating his attention. Or he's not looking to date seriously and doesn't know how to articulate this to you.  

I know it doesn't feel like this at the moment, but he is not rejecting you only to go and be the perfect man for someone else. As you are getting to know him, you are working out if he's a good guy to be in your life, if how you want to communicate and connect are compatible. 

If he is flakey, unreliable, disappears and then reappears without any explanation in your life this is not your fault.

Your responsibility is to think, 'I have a lot of things I want to do in life. I don't need a man who is inconsistent and unable to communicate. There are bigger goals for me than needing to dream about this guy...' and move on. You must protect yourself and make smart decisions about who is worth keeping around in your life.

So ditch the man-pleasing mentality and look after yourself.‍

4. Stop this happening again 

To state the obvious: we can't control how people behave, but we can control our reactions to their behavior.

If you find yourself getting hung up on the whole 'will he message me?' thing, the root cause of this is often about you choosing him too early. In short, you have a few stellar dates, and you get set on him being your man, before doing your homework to see if he's got what it takes to back this up. (Side note: if this is a recurring theme for you I'd tell you to check out my workshop Going Renegade which is also available online.)

Whilst it's okay to reach out to him, also remember that by sitting back and observing you're not doing anything and being passive. Not all action is forwards. Taking time to observe, and wait things out, can sometimes be a very smart thing to do.

Finally for a few more words on messages to avoid sending to men head here. Stop texting men who are not responsive, pick up a phone and book yourself a nice spa day instead!

Take care of yourself, and remember no message from a man is as important as you feeling good about yourself.

He hasn’t text in a few days: What's going on in his mind?

I know you have been told that men have to do all the chasing. So if he hasn't texted in a few days you can start to criticize and question yourself; you must have done something wrong to put him off!

The reality is that not all the men you meet will be open to dating, will want the same kind of relationships as you, or be able to match your level of communication. It also might simply be too early to make a clear judgment about whether he’s right for you. 

Sometimes we can spend a lot of time and energy looking for hidden levels of meaning that actually don't exist. Not to disappoint you here but he may not have thought about this a whole lot.

Start to have a bit more faith in yourself that he'll be in touch, and if he isn't, or his communication doesn't meet your standards, then YOU can choose to let him go.

Try to avoid mind-reading. Instead, focus on whether this situation works for you, then using my 8 action steps above, decide what you want to do about it. 

He hasn’t text in a few days: FAQs 

Should I text him if he hasn't texted me

“Should I text him if he hasn’t texted me?” Look there’s no rules in dating, and there’s also no shame in reaching out to a man, to get clarity on your situation. I understand when you don’t know where you stand with a man, you will want to scratch that itch and figure out what’s going on. However, when you do reach out to him you lose one valuable piece of information, which is, when would he have contacted you if you hadn’t reached out to him? This may not sound important, but to date successfully it’s really good for you to start to focus on how a man is contributing to a potential relationship with you. If he makes very little effort to sustain contact, or invite you on high quality dates, then no matter how handsome, smart or fun he is, he’s showing you that he’s not a good candidate for a relationship. So holding back, relaxing and waiting can be a valuable strategy for you to filter through which men you should spend your time on. 

A guy asked for my number but hasn't texted me

“A guy asked for my number but hasn’t texted me” - after feeling a good connection with a guy you met, it can be really frustrating to not hear from him. However, as a single woman you need to be switched on to how a man’s actions communicate to you his availability as a potential partner. Put simply if he isn’t making the effort to contact you he’s either not that interested in you, or dating isn’t a priority to him right now. Having a good emotional connection with a man is a start, but you also really want to prioritise men who are showing consistent effort in building a relationship with you. 

A guy hasn't texted me in 2 days

If you’re worrying that “a guy hasn’t texted me in 2 days”, remember it’s still too early to tell if he’s really pulling away. I know when you like someone, there’s a temptation to analyse everything he does (or doesn’t) do, but at this early stage of dating, avoid reading too much into a lack of contact for 2 days. Instead, centre yourself, and refocus on your own life, you may well wake up tomorrow morning with a message from him, and find (sorry to sound like your mother) that you have been worrying over nothing. Provided your last interaction ended well, trust in yourself that he will come back around! If a few more days goes by and he still hasn’t reappeared, then you can start to think about whether he’s doing enough to keep your interest. 

A guy hasn't texted me in 3 days

If you’ve noticed that “a guy hasn’t texted me in 3 days”, you may be beginning to sense that he’s pulling away; especially if up until now you’ve had regular contact. This can be especially worrying if he’s gone away on holiday, or on a work trip, and you’re worried that you’ve lost his interest. If this is you today, it’s time to get into a more confident mindset around his lack of contact for 3 days. Instead of worrying whether you’ve lost his interest, flip this around! Instead ask yourself, “at this stage of dating, what level of communication would I need from him to really keep my interest?” 

A guy hasn't texted me in 4 days

It can be worrying if you’ve been in regular contact with a guy and suddenly you’re aware, “huh, this guy hasn’t texted me in 4 days.” If he’s normally in frequent contact with you, it’s fine for you to send him a light hearted check in message. Make sure this message isn’t written in an accusatory tone that assumes why he hasn’t been in touch, i.e. “I guess you’ve met someone else…” instead simply enquire, “It’s been a minute, how are you?” If you can possibly bear it, it’s also sometimes worth leaving it to him to reach out. How often he keeps in contact with you, is a really important “data point” for you. You only want to invest your time into building a relationship with a man who is continually investing in you. 

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Why is he messaging me but not asking me out?

You met a guy online and he was messaging A LOT, then the messages cooled off. You haven't met yet IRL (in real life).

Hold your horses on any judgment until you have met him in real life and he is sitting in front of you. I can't say this enough! Right now you don't know enough about him to like him, let alone prioritize him. 

The most important factor when meeting guys online is the willingness to form a relationship offline. If he is taking ages to respond, you matched weeks ago but he's not setting up a date, this should be turning you off. Prioritize guys who make an effort in the real world, rather than those who just have a good dating app profile, and chat. 

He hasn’t texted me since we slept together.

He was messaging, you hooked up and now he's cooled off.

Please, please, please don't judge yourself. Don't think that if you had held back that this guy would have somehow morphed into Prince Charming. Even if he "got what he wanted" and so has disappeared, is this really a guy you'd like to date longer-term?

If being physically intimate with a man makes you feel more attached to the outcome of that relationship, make a mental note to slow it down next time. You need to give yourself time to really understand his values before feeling attached to him.

Also BEWARE if this guy disappears and doesn't message then re-appears and then magically pops back up with a, 'hey how's it going?' No explanation. No communication. This man is the dating equivalent of a zombie invasion. You can do better.

How to stop checking if he replied?   

He’s active on social media, but not replying to you. So you keep checking when he was last online, hoping you’ll see that he’s read your message. 

I know when you see that he’s online, and you’ve got no new messages from him on your phone, your mind is going to go into overdrive, "he hasn't text in a few days but he’s got time for social media??”. You’ll probably feel a strong urge to watch his social media to try and piece together what’s going on for him. 

Deep down, you’re not feeling secure in your relationship to him, and you’re looking for him to text from him so you can feel more secure. Today, try accepting that you don’t (and can’t) know everything about him. You need more time to get to know one another. 

Today, choose to turn your phone off, and do some self care, instead of checking up on him. 

He hasn't text in a few days, should I be worried?

Simply not texting you all day once or twice, isn’t usually anything to worry about. He could be busy, focused on something else or simply doesn’t understand that you expect daily contact from him. 

Read my 8 possible reasons why he hasn’t text in a few days, and their action steps to see which dating scenario applies most to you. 

We arranged date but I haven't heard from him

It’s frustrating to have arranged a date and not hear from a guy. If it’s a few hours before the date, assume the date is off, and make other plans. Then if you get a last minute, “what are you up to?” message from him, you can already be out focused on other things (or doing some self care at home). How consistently he messages you, and how much effort he puts into dates, are two good indicators of what kind of relationship he’s able to offer you. 

We had a great date but he hasn't texted

If it’s only been a day or two since your date, don’t rule out that he’s playing it cool, because he likes you. However, you always want to prioritize and focus on men who are constantly asking you out on high quality dates (that means more effort than just ‘hanging out’ at each other’s houses.) So give it a few days, and if he still hasn’t texted you, shift your focus: He could be showing you that he’s just not that invested in building a relationship with you. 

He texts me everyday but doesn't make plans

You want to date to find a committed relationship, not a penfriend. In modern dating, particularly if you met on a dating app, it can get easy to fall into the trap of messaging him all day, before you’ve established if you have a connection in real life. If he’s seriously interested in dating you, he will make plans to meet you in person. If he isn’t making plans, and isn’t taking hints, stop settling for less than what you want. Put him on the back burn, focus on other options, and see if that gives him a nudge that he needs to make plans with you to maintain your interest.

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