It’s been 3 days, 5 days, a week and you still haven’t heard. So far you’ve done a good job of getting on with your life, you haven’t been ‘needy’ and rung him – but what next? He doesn’t seem to be chasing you. Stop right now: in this mindset you’re already losing.
Just to clarify if you’ve been hanging out with someone regularly, having a sexual relationship with them, and have got used to regular contact since when does it make you ‘needy’ or ‘desperate’ to get in touch if you haven’t heard in a while? I know it may feel like there’s a ton of unwritten rules for dating (especially dating in London and other big cities) which is why it’s my job as a dating coach to help support you in making decisions that empower you.
I know you have been told that men have to do all the chasing – so if he hasn’t text in a few days you can start to criticise and question yourself that you must have done something wrong to put him off. The reality is that if you want a relationship with this guy you need to be able to respectfully communicate. If he really was to get scared off of you because you text first then he’s probably not got the right frame of mind right now to give you what you need.
Here is my game plan for you if he hasn’t text in a few days:
- First of all enact the ‘most problems are resolved in 48 hours protocol. If it has been less than a couple of days then try to not let it bother you. It is still worth letting it resolve organically. There is a good chance he is just busy and this is nothing to worry about. Get home from work, put your phone on airplane mode and avoid checking his WhatsApp status or social media activity. You have your own life to live. Also think about where these feelings are coming from – give yourself a hug and have trust in people to come through by texting you back.
2. Okay 48 hours have gone by and he hasn’t text you… you also got too tempted and have seen he’s been uploading instagram stories. Dammit. Your mind whirls around, ‘how can he have time to upload onto instagram and not check in on me?’ Remind yourself that you don’t lose any ‘power’ by reaching out to him. It’s a relationship it’s about teamwork not power play. If he seriously receives your message like ‘YAS I knew she’d text me first’ this doesn’t make you weak, it makes him a properly immature idiot. Get this clear in your mind. Send a message that’s light and offers something from your day – remember you are communicating in the way that feels natural to you and that builds emotional connection – if he runs from this he is unlikely to be able to offer you what you need:
“How’s your Monday? I just got in… intense but good day!”
Or send a photo (not directly of you necessarily…) saying ‘how’s your monday. This is me *emoji*’
3. OH NO HE (STILL) HASN’T TEXT YOU BACK FOR A FEW DAYS. You now feel bummed out that you ruined it by sending that text message (‘thanks Hayley….’) If you really feel this way re-read your last message to him, was it in any way weird/ horrific/ off putting? No. I bet you were just communicating. His lack of response tells you he doesn’t want to communicate back but do I think that was anything to do with the quality of your message… HELL NO.
Either he wasn’t who you thought he was, has another situation in his life dominating his attention, or he’s not looking to date seriously and doesn’t know how to articulate this to you. It could be this but it is unlikely that he just finds you weird and is rejecting you only to go and be the perfect man for someone else. As you are getting to know him, as you are working out if he’s a good guy to be in your life, then you should be looking at his communication style as a test of how compatible you are.
If he is flakey, unreliable, disappears and then reappears without any explanation in your life this is not your fault. What is your responsibility is though is to think, ‘I have a lot of things I want to do in life and I really don’t need this situation de-stabilising me. I have bigger goals than needing to dream about this guy…’ and move on. Your duty is to protect you and make smart decisions about who is worth keeping around in your life.
So ditch the man-pleasing mentality and look after yourself.
If you want to talk to me or a member of my team about how we can help you email us [email protected] and we will be in touch within 48 hours 😉