How Do I Get Him To Commit?

January 22, 2019
▪ 3 mins read

Before You Ask Yourself This Question, Think: "Is This What I Really Want?"

If you have just stumbled across this article, before you move on I have a few things I really need to say to you. I know right now you may be feeling confused by endlessly mixed signals, vague promises, and changing timelines... and I know that when you have deep feelings for someone it feels like the most natural thing in the world to want to have that as a relationship. Let me ask you, do you really want to get him to commit?

As a dating coach I speak to women all over the world, some of whom have been in `grey area’ relationships for years. Others who feel like every guy they date wants something different to them. Even a few who don’t want commitment at all.

You probably also have heard that elusive dating advice that tells you it’s the `man’s job’ to set the pace of the relationship. Or that you have to `give him time’ and not pressure him. Fine, but this isn’t so easy to do when you have feelings when you have a physical relationship when he keeps telling you he just needs a bit more time...

I’m going to imagine you’ve been seeing this guy for a while. You really like him (which is rare!) and you want to get him to commit. However, he doesn’t see you every weekend. He seems to have a lot on at work, and whilst he tells you how much he likes you, is elusive if you ever ask him anything about what you are.

Girl - if this is you, I am now going to try to make you see this is absolutely not what you want.

Great on paper?

If you’re thinking `how do I get him to commit?’ you want a relationship. First of all, I’d question this - as great as they seem on paper it’s not all upside. Boom - goes some of the quality time you get to spend with your friends. Time for the hobbies you love. Gone is your lack of restraint to travel as far as you want for as long as you want. Say goodbye to working as hard as you want or as late as you want. Basically your ability to wake up and selfishly decide 100% what you want to do today. And your ability to meet lots of new exciting people in the process.

Hint: If you aren’t doing all of these things already, what’s stopping you from starting?

If you had the ability to do all of these things would you really care all that much about someone you’ve known a matter of months messing you around? I think not. And as for this guy ... now if there’s one thing I’ve learned about relationships, it’s that they’re made of 2 (or more!) people. And these people really want to be in that partnership and make it work.


If you have one half of the equation dragging their feet (no matter how good the reason) it’s no good for you. Relationships are tons of compromise and communication. If someone you’re dating can’t be clear with you, is just not on the same page right now, or is kind of trying to muddle along hoping you’ll drop the subject; they’re not exactly screaming `good partner’ potential to me.

Do you really need all this stress right now over this person? And honestly, even if they’re smart, or rich, or good looking, if they’re not supportive, and kind, and giving, what’s the point? You’re not looking for someone who scores points on a checklist. You’re looking for someone who thinks you look cute in a Pokemon onesie.

Someone you can be you with. Not someone you have to creep around in case you accidentally turn them off or put them off, you. YOU. You know, that awesome person who has got you this far! Before worrying about `how do I get him to commit’ you have to go back to yourself.

So, SHOULD you get him to commit?

If you’re losing sleep over this, it’s not worth it. If you're losing focus at work it's not worth it. It is best for you and most attractive to them if you step back and refocus on the rest of your life. He doesn’t want to commit - fine.

You may still see him occasionally, you may not. You are just going to start to find him a lot less interesting because he’s demonstrated he hasn’t got some of the important qualities you want.

You’re also going to value yourself enough that you don’t have to push a point. You’re also not going to detract from any nice moments you had together by sending an all-mighty armada of WhatsApp messages. Because he is not worth that time and energy.

Your question isn’t `how do I get him to commit?’ It’s `how do I like my life solo so much that it would take a really awesome PARTNER to convince me otherwise?’

My coaching team and I eat, sleep and breathe teaching women this empowered approach to dating. We would love to work with you too! Hit the box below to schedule a consultation with us - and ALWAYS ask yourself the right questions

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About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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