Meeting In Real Life

Where have all the good men gone?

August 3, 2015
▪ 2 mins read

Do they still exist?

The problem with this question is that it treats 'Good Men' as a rare species of bird, maybe the dodos. The question pre-supposes that there was a mystical time past where there was a bountiful supply of these noble creatures and that they're now bordering on extinction due to over-dating by mean women, seeing their natural habitat shrinking due to lazy modern life or just Tinder really.

It would be a very convenient truth if there were just good men and bad men. Like a nice Western.

That way it would just become a simple recon mission to find out where these guys hang out, plus a small amount of examination to ensure they're the right 'breed' of men.

Of course, this idea falls apart when we think about the general greyness of human nature, how the best people aren't perfect and how the worst have redeeming features.

I'm not saying that there aren't 'sensible' things you can do to try to make better connections with men:

  • Meet someone via a shared interest/ social group, and not late at night after a round jager bomb will probably mean you're a bit nicer to each other and have more in common.
  • Likewise, if he behaves like an ass within a few months of meeting him it's good not to turn a blind eye to the warning signs sighing 'but he's just so perfect' as he storms out of the door.
  • Also, someone who has a relative degree of stability in their lives will likely make a better partner: which is just obvious really. If he's homeless, continually wasted or has a love life more complex than a dodecahedron then yeah he's probably not going to be the boyfriend of the year.

Most of the time, however, women place way too much emphasis on 'search far and wide, then try to size him up immediately' method of meeting someone which is just unrealistic.

3 steps to finding good men

1. Give yourself a break it's hard to work out all the subtle nuances of someone's character within 3 dates. In fact, it's impossible. Trust yourself and relax having to make the 'right' call straight away, in fact, you may need some time.  

2. Respect for the other person starts with you having respect for yourself. Over time even the 'nicest' of people can push on your boundaries and forget who you are. So it's about continually communicating what you're happy/ not happy with, as much as picking right from the get-go.  

3. Positively encourage him to be the best guy he can be. If every time you 'talk' you end up screaming, and if you accuse him of cheating every time he leaves the house he will respond to the distrust you've shown in him.  

Yes be cautious about who you choose to spend your time with but be just as careful about how you interact with them after that.  


Hayley x

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About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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