Why does he act like he wants to see you again and then disappears?
Is he Houdini?
You have a great date (or two) and he seems so into you…He makes loving remarks, mentions future plans, and comes on STRONG. You were even taken aback by how certain he seemed to be. When you met you felt sure that you weren’t looking for anything more than a distraction and some fun. Until he turned up. Why does he act like he wants to see you again and then disappears?
You were totally cool to write this off as a one-off, then it’s almost like he set out to make you like him. He suggested brunch the next day. Furthermore, he tells you he was surprised by the strength of your connection and he couldn’t wait to see you again. He kisses you affectionately as he leaves… then NOTHING. You are left with a world of WTF. It’s enough to make you think ‘where have all the good guys gone?‘
So why does he act like he wants to see you again and then disappears? This is a confusing modern-day dating phenomenon. It’s understandable if this happens to you that you feel left with a lot of unanswered questions. You probably also feel moderately ticked off that your perfect casual relationship intentions were derailed by his assault on your affections. If you’re thinking ‘I didn’t even like you that much anyway, then you made me like you, and now you’ve disappeared…’ this has just happened to you.
To explain why does he act like he wants to see you again and then disappears: you have to understand 3 key parts of male psychology when it comes to dating.
Secret 1: He wants the validation of you like him.
He wants to make you like him. We can all be guilty of acting like people-pleasers in the realm of dating. Similarly, at the start of the dating men can go into the ‘wooing’ phase fast. This can catch you off guard as it satisfies your need to feel validated. It flicks your ‘romance’ switch hard. However what you have to remember if he supposedly likes you so much after knowing you for all of two days something is up. It is impossible to like someone so much so fast! He has skipped over all the trust-building phases that underpin a truly strong connection. Instead, he may be looking to receive validation himself. Or feel good that you like him so much… and once he has his fix of this he’s onto the next one. Harsh, but often true.
Secret 2: He is insecure about losing you.
Rather than assuming that you might be equally into something casual as him, he may assume that you want a relationship. Because of course all men want is sex, and all women want is a husband yawn. He may feel guilty about this, or insecure about losing your interest unless he meets some of your ‘boyfriend’ desires. In the process, he gives you inauthentic cues of true emotional investment so that you stick around. This isn’t as Machiavellian as it sounds. He probably just doesn’t understand you very well and believes a misguided lie is a nicer experience for you than a guy who is open about his intentions.
Any guys who are reading this: just be upfront with her. It is better to connect with women who want the same things as you and to let go of her if she wants something more serious than you do. Being upfront also gives her the basic respect of making a clear decision for herself, rather than removing that choice by assuming what she wants.
If you’re in this scenario now btw as a man or a woman make sure you head over to my club. I can answer your questions about how to negotiate this tricky situation.
Secret 3: He wants to experience that feeling of ‘love’ too.
If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a thousand times, guys have feelings too. The idea that they are solely motivated by sex, pizza and beer is a bogus and unhelpful stereotype perpetuated by the media. He may have just had a breakup, be feeling lonely, or just (like you) that he wants to experience a closer bond with a woman. All of these motivations are of course independent of him having any serious intentions towards you relationship-wise. So annoyingly he may like the cuddles as much as you do at the moment, then have an ‘uh-oh I’ve sent the wrong signals’ moment of clarity and back off. All in all unhelpful but human as far as his behaviour goes.
What can you do?
So how do you protect yourself from falling for a guy that is in it for a good time and not a long time when you know
a. I want the real deal or
b. I am happy to have something casual but it has to be done with ‘cards on table’ levels of respect.
Option B is easier to navigate. If you want him to be honest with you, you need to be upfront with him. This could mean saying something like, ‘I know this may be a little presumptuous but wanted to be open with you that I’m just looking to explore right now…’ Then, of course, you have to mean this. Don’t say this when you want a relationship. If you have agreed it’s casual, and you’re both not looking for anything more, don’t assume he’s going to change his mind because you have a strong connection. In all likelihood, he won’t.
Option A is a long-term strategy. It is simply impossible to know what he’s all about and whether you can build something long term together in the first few dates. Sure there may be some obvious warning signs and also some honest signals that he likes you. But seriously, if you have known the guy under a month, you don’t know the guy. Accept that information then be as cautious as you feel you want to be when it comes to the physical side of the relationship.
I know it can be confusing AF when a guy acts like he wants to see you again and then disappears. I do hope this blog has given you some insight into his motivations. And most importantly a roadmap forwards for how you can date in a way that accepts the unknown and empowers you.