Real women talk about hookups - I wanted to write you a blog about how women approach casual sex. I think there’s one big myth that messes up a lot of dating interactions and that is: women want relationships, men want sex.
(And BTW in my opinion you’re allowed to want what you want and as long as you’re not hurting anyone).
With `dating apps’ you would think that we had all totally relaxed about casual sex. However, I think both men and women often come to some strange assumptions. So in my real women talk about hookups I wanted to get a candid insight into how women feel about casual sex.
- Women want and enjoy sex just as much as men.
For some people that enjoyment is found when they’re in a long-term relationship, some people like the adventure of casual sex, some people like a combination of both at different times in their life. Being honest and safe is important but it’s not like `relationship sex’ is good and moral, and `hookup sex’ is dirty and immoral. Both are equally valid choices for people.
- Hookup apps have not ruined sex for women.
I hear a lot how hookup apps have `made men lazy’ or made it harder for men to `settle down’ because there’s `so many women giving it away’. I do not think hookup apps are `ruining’ it for women. If we believe that we are assuming that a woman’s worth is to do with how much she restricts sex (who wants this as a reality?!) and that men are `only after one thing’ which isn’t very fair to men either.
I think it is this attitude towards women and sex that is ruining it for women. Put very simply at any given time some people want casual sex, some people want relationships. Our job is not to convince someone else of what they want: it is to look out for people who turn up wanting the same things. So if you’re just looking for casual sex BE HONEST ABOUT IT.
`I respect you so want to be upfront that I’m just looking to have fun & experiences right now’
Or use an app that’s specifically for hookups. Equally, if you want a relationship stay focused on what qualities you’re looking for in a partner and make sure whoever you invest your time in dating is into the same thing. For instance, if she can’t find time to see you this month she’s probably not that into the idea of building a relationship with you, so just leave it.
I think we need to really get on board with the following ideas instead:
- Men and women can want casual sex and/ or relationships.
- These are not mutually exclusive ideas.
- Their choice does not affect their value or their morality.
- Their job is, to be honest, and open about what they want.
- ... And to find people who want the same things.
- Real women talk about hookups is a discussion we need more of not less.
1. Don’t hold double standards
I think the world would probably be a better place if we didn’t see sex as at all shameful and could all be more upfront. You can really help with this in two ways. One does not hold double standards i.e. it is okay for you to have casual sex, but if she does that’s not okay. Secure and sexy men accept women as equally as sexual as them. Always be open about your intentions. People become upset if they feel mislead: now this isn’t a perfect science as you can’t tell a person what they have to believe. But you can do your part by being as candid as possible as what you’re looking at. For instance, never tell someone that they’re going to get on great with your family and let’s book a holiday this summer if you only have the intention of knowing them briefly. This gives casual sex a bad name and is just dodgy behaviour. Trust that there enough people out there that want the same things that means you can be upfront.
2. Do not show her the D
D pics are generally not received well. Personally I’ve never got one (I think people are too afraid) and I don’t want one. I don’t think genitals photograph well. Also on dating apps (even on hookup apps) pictures showing your D do not even perform well. So this is one time I will tell you to put some clothes on! Women are often into the full sensual experience of sex and an image of your D does nothing to get them turned on.
3. If you meet someone in real life or on a dating app be upfront about what you want
If you meet someone on a hookup app the rules change a bit. There’s in fact no real point saying `so what are you here for?’ - if you have joined onto a hookup site you are there to have a casual, most probably one-time experience.
4. Women are turned on by different things
So don’t assume just because your ex-girlfriend liked it that your current date will. The best way to find out what she likes is to check in with her and ask. Whilst it’s magical when everyone just knows what’s the other person is into most first-time sex requires communication. CHECK-IN to see if she is into a sexual act before beginning. MAKE SURE verbal consent is clear and ASK FOR FEEDBACK on what feels good to her.
If you want to learn what real women thing, join my Hayley Quinn Club for the chance to exchange knowledge with women!