(And BTW in my opinion you’re allowed to want what you want and as long as you’re not hurting anyone).
With ‘dating apps’ (and even explicitly ‘hookup’ apps like Pure) you would think that we had all totally relaxed about casual sex. However I think both men and women often come to some strange assumptions. So in my real women talk about hookups video I wanted to get a candid insight into how women feel about casual sex. First I’m going to dispel some myths around real women and hookups; then I’m going to give you some tips to improve how you interact with people on hookup apps.
- Women want and enjoy sex just as much as men. For some people that enjoyment is found when they’re in a long-term relationship, some people like the adventure of casual sex, some people like a combination of both at different times in their life. Being honest and safe is important but it’s not like ‘relationship sex’ is good and moral, and ‘hookup sex’ is dirty and immoral. Both are equally valid choices for people.
- Hookup apps have not ruined sex for women. I hear a lot how hookup apps have ‘made men lazy’ or made it harder for men to ‘settle down’ because there’s ‘so many women giving it away’. I do not think hookup apps are ‘ruining’ it for women. If we believe that we are assuming that a woman’s worth is to do with how much she restricts sex (who wants this as a reality?!) and that men are ‘only after one thing’ which isn’t very fair to men either.
I think it is this attitude towards women and sex that is ruining it for women. Put very simply at any given time some people want casual sex, some people want relationships. Our job is not to convince someone else of what they want: it is to look out for people who turn up wanting the same things. So if you’re just looking for casual sex BE HONEST ABOUT IT.
‘I respect you so want to be upfront that I’m just looking to have fun & experiences right now’
Or use an app like Pure that’s specifically for hookups. Equally if you want a relationship stay focused on what qualities you’re looking for in a partner and make sure whoever you invest your time in dating is into the same thing. For instance if she can’t find time to see you this month she’s probably not that into the idea of building a relationship with you, so just leave it.
My YouTube video real women talk about hookups (above)
I think we need to really get on board with the following ideas instead:
- Men and women can want casual sex and/ or relationships.
- These are not mutually exclusive ideas.
- Their choice does not affect their value or their morality.
- Their job is to be honest and open about what they want.
- … And to find people who want the same things.
- Real women talk about hookups is a discussion we need more of not less.
- Don’t hold double standards. I think the world would probably be a better place if we didn’t see sex as at all shameful and could all be more upfront. You can really help with this in two ways. One do not hold double standards i.e. it is okay for you to have casual sex, but if she does that’s not okay. Secure and sexy men accept women as equally as sexual as them. Always be open about your intentions. People become upset if they feel mislead: now this isn’t a perfect science as you can’t tell a person what they have to believe. But you can do your part by being as candid as possible as what you’re looking at. For instance never tell someone that they’re going to get on great with your family and let’s book a holiday this summer if you only have the intention of knowing them briefly. This gives casual sex a bad name and is just dodgy behaviour. Trust that there enough people out there that want the same things that means you can be upfront.
So if you want a hookup and not a date here are some tips from my real women talk about hookup video that you can learn:
- Do not show her the D. D pics are generally not received well. Personally I’ve never got one (I think people are too afraid) and I don’t want one. I don’t think genitals photograph well. Also on dating apps (even on hookup apps) pictures showing your D do not even perform well. So this is one time I will tell you to put some clothes on! Women are often into the full sensual experience of sex and an image of your D does nothing to get them turned on.
- If you meet someone in real life or on a dating app be upfront about what you want. If you meet someone on a hookup app the rules change a bit. There’s in fact no real point saying ‘so what are you here for?’ – if you have joined onto a hookup site you are there to have a casual, most probably one time experience.
- Women are turned on by different things: so don’t assume just because your ex girlfriend liked it that your current date will. The best way to find out what she likes is to check in with her and ask. Whilst it’s magical when everyone just knows what’s the other person is into most first time sex requires communication. CHECK IN to see if she is into a sexual act before beginning. MAKE SURE verbal consent is clear and ASK FOR FEEDBACK on what feels good to her.
Ok female empowerment sex rant over! Hope you enjoyed the video and this blog – real women talk about hookups. To find out more about Pure head to https://pure.dating/hayley
Also big thank you to my contributers for the video
Nerea – www.nereacarryon.com
Zorah – zorahkhan30 on Instagram