For Men

Scarcity- the mindset keeping you single

May 16, 2022
▪ 4 mins read

The reason why you might be keeping yourself from meeting amazing women and forming great relationships.

Why are you single?  

Is your scarcity mindset around dating, inadvertently ruining your dating life?

What is the scarcity mindset? The scarcity mindset is feeling like you don't have many options, so you have to cling on to whatever options you get. Understandably, this isn't a very attractive quality.

Instead of coming from a place of abundance, you end up zeroing in on the outcome of the success or failure of this one interaction. This often leads to you holding on to interactions too tight, meaning you don't walk away when you should. Even if someone isn't giving you the respect that you deserve.

You may find yourself overgiving in relationships and ending up chasing after women who give nothing back to you. Today I will share with you three examples of how the scarcity mindset can show up in your dating life and how to get better at dealing with it.

Ultimately it's time to restore your trust in yourself that you can meet, and successfully interact with, women.

Scarcity example one: You're constantly chasing women up for a date.  

 She might have cancelled on you last minute, or maybe she never gives you a firm time to meet. In fact, she never even responds to your message. But you keep asking none the less: this shows that you do not care she's not meeting you halfway. She's not reciprocating your effort levels. Instead of choosing to walk away, you are showing that no matter how she treats you, you are still here for her. Because you are attracted to her and you want something from her.  

Imagine if you were the kind of guy (and this is the man you can definitely become) who has options with women. A man who knows he can meet attractive women wherever he goes, both online and offline. Do you think if one of those women was giving him the runaround he would continue to invest his time and energy into it? Of course, he wouldn't.

I understand that it's scary to let options go. But what's important for you to recognise is, that every time that you collapse your boundary and you keep chasing after someone, you become less and less attractive to them. It's never going to work out in the way that you want. What's actually much more important here is to think about the bigger picture. Think about your self-esteem, your motivation for dating, and where you should invest your time. Swap your focus to not needing this one option to work out. Go out and cultivate other options for yourself.  

A man pleading with his girlfriend not to leave him alone

Scarcity example two: You are an over giver

A scarcity mindset can show up in your dating life through over giving. Now, over giving could be literal- on a date where you keep buying rounds of drinks or drop in that your friend has a boat. You can do it by staying on the date way later than you should because you want to hold on to that person's time.  

It could come from a space of going into your date and worrying about being judged on how funny you are or how flirty you are. You may also feel a real burden that if you're not flirty, cool and your absolute best self, she's either going to flat out reject you or "misclassify" you as a friend.

If your instinct is to start performing as a hyper version of yourself, you're in scarcity. What you need to do is instead of putting her on a pedestal remember that there are loads of women out there.

Instead of trying to woo her, and show her how great you are, can you swap your focus to figuring out how great she is for you? How can you make it about the standards that you need in her as a girlfriend?  

Scarcity example three: You don't take risks

If you don't ever take a "risk", to show your real personality, she'll never have the opportunity to really connect with you. You need to recognise that if you allow yourself to have free and authentic expression, she will feel more comfortable with you. If you play it safe, trying to say exactly what she wants to hear, you won't be memorable, and (much worse) you won't feel liked for who you truly are.  

When you take a bit of a risk in the conversation, it makes the conversation more exciting and dynamic. It also demonstrates your self-esteem. It shows that you're here to express yourself and see if there's a connection, rather than needing to impress her. And in fact, your natural style of humour, the stuff that you love to talk about, things that interest you- these are the most important filters that you have as a man for short sorting out which women connect with you the best.

Now I know this might feel like a difficult shift to make, particularly if you don't feel like there is a lot going on in your dating life. You might feel as if she's your only option. However, you need to realise that by needing this one option to work out, you're stymying your ability to be naturally attractive. You actually don't need this to work out. What you need to work out is a long term plan to develop your confidence and your skill set so you no longer feel scarcity.  

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