For Men

Is your messaging making her lose interest?

November 4, 2022
▪ 4 mins read

Messaging "game"

 Messaging "game"  


So here’s the thing: Your text messaging "game" rarely makes or breaks an interaction. 

But (and this is important) it indirectly shows her a lot about your self-worth, dating success and social skills: And this can build or dissipate her attraction towards you. 

Let’s start with some basics:

1. Her attraction to you might be slower than your attraction to her.

She seems nice and is more "your type", than a lot of women you’ve met recently: This might be enough for you to want to see where this goes.

For her, you might be more or less her "type" but until she interacts with you, her feelings of attraction to you might be foggy at best. She doesn’t know you, to like you. 

An issue can then arise if she feels you’re much more into her than she’s into you. There’s a fine line here between that feeling of flattering, and that feeling of pressure on her.

2. It feels weird if you’re really into her before you know her. 

As I explain in my course Attraction Point, it’s much more satisfying to feel like someone has chosen you because of something you’ve contributed, rather than just what you look like.

For example, if you keep sliding DMs to a woman you don’t know on Instagram AND she’s not responding, all you’re really saying to her is, "I’m so into how you look that I don’t care if your contribution to this interaction is zero."  

That shows that your standards are low, and that’s inherently unattractive.

3. If you have higher standards, you are more attractive. 

The flip side of this is having standards. Standards mean that you have criteria that you’re looking out for in a woman before you really double down and pursue her. The purpose of cultivating standards for the women you date is that you improve your self-esteem and also that you don’t over-communicate attraction with her before you even know her. 

If you’re not bending over backwards to impress her from square one, you also (subtly) communicate that you don’t need this interaction to work. 

You come across as a guy who has a degree of abundance, and confidence in, his dating life and *this* is attractive. 

"Well that sounds great Hayley, but my track record with women isn’t great, so how am I supposed to feel confident when I sense her pulling away?" 

If this doesn’t come at all naturally to you, check out my standards workbook for you here. 

So now we’ve got that cleared up what does this actually mean for how you message a woman?

Well, you’ll want to avoid these 3 common errors that scream "I’m worried you’ll lose interest."


1. Carrying on the conversation when it’s reached a natural pause. 

A great, and simple, piece of advice for your messages is to ask yourself, "does this message really need a response?" If the answer to that question is "no" don’t drag out communication. 

This will accidentally come across like you’re trying to squeeze every drop out of this interaction because on some level you’re anxious that she’ll lose interest. 

Natural pauses are okay. 

A high-value man, who has options, doesn’t need to be in contact with a woman 24/7 for him to be on her mind. 

Often saying, "I’ll message you closer to the day with a plan - speak soon x" Does a lot more for her feelings of attraction to you, than carrying on the conversation unnecessarily.

2. Too much enthusiasm

Beware of complimenting her before she’s really ready to receive that attention from you.

If you’re her boyfriend, and she really values that relationship with you, then of course most women will enjoy you being attentive.

However, do this prematurely as you’re getting to know her and it could be too much too soon: She’ll then get the nagging sense that you’re much more into her than she’s into you.

This can act like a hair trigger for her feeling guilty about dating you, and boom she pulls back. 

To safeguard against this, remember your mindset: You haven’t chosen her yet. You haven’t known her long enough to know if you’re a good match. 

In the interim keep your emojis limited, your messages short(-ish) and focused on the purpose of meeting up. Scrap "good morning" messages, and save compliments for things that are really meaningful. 

Compliments are a bit like gifts, over give them and they won’t be appreciated: You’re not her fan, you’re her equal.

3. Directly, or indirectly, messaging to ask how many guys she’s seeing 

Ban yourself from the following messages:

"So how’s it going on here for you?" (If you've met on a dating app.) 

"Are you chatting with any other guys?"

"I thought someone like you probably has queues of men chasing her ;-)"

"Ah well, let’s meet next week instead. What’s keeping you busy? Deadlines, dates, or just social stuff?"

These all sub-communicate to her that you’re holding onto this interaction pretty tight, and that you’re unsure of being "muscled out" by another guy.

Remember, you’re you. You are a market of one. Don’t be intimidated by how many other guys are "out there", whilst this is true, her experience might well be that she’s finding it hard to meet someone she actually likes.

So don’t shoot your messaging self-esteem in the foot, by implying that she’s losing interest when she might not be.  

Hayley Quinn smiling profile
About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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