3-part video series
First message to send to a guy: online dating

First message to send to a guy: online dating

Is the first message a first move?

October 26, 2020
Last Updated 

Before I even get on to WHAT first message to send to a guy online... the question you may be facing is, `should I be making the first move at all?’  

I get it - there’s a strong argument here for letting him make the first move. Apart from the fact if he sends you a message first you know he likes you (see you later - fear of rejection!) also there’s a rule of thumb in dating that people care about what they work for.  

That guy who would only ever see you last minute? He wasn’t invested in the relationship with you enough to care about its outcome.  

The guy who was commitment-shy that you tried to arm-twist into being your boyfriend? Again he was being pushed towards an outcome, rather than working for it.  

The guy who you were understanding towards his crazy work/ ex/ family and then still disappeared? It’s the same story.

Watch Hayley's advice on the first message to send to a guy you like

So is it true that for a guy to be `invested’ in you online he has to send the first message? 

Well, let’s start by acknowledging it’s good if a man makes the effort to make the first move. And I’m not talking about a `hey, how are you?’ message. I’m talking about writing to you mentioning details from your profile, and trying to connect. This guy has started strong!  

Note: Having a well written online dating profile helps with this a lot!

But, with the sheer volumes of people on online dating platforms, it’s very possible that the guy you like may not have even seen your profile. By messaging him first you give him a cue to make his move.  

There are also plenty of shyer guys out there who would definitely appreciate a clear signal.  

(Remember that because he’s not the most forthcoming when it comes to approaching women, doesn’t mean he’d be a bad partner or unconfident in other areas of his life. I have met pop stars and CEOs who have clammed up when it comes to initiating a conversation with a woman they like.)  

That said, of course, you don’t want to make an effort with a man, who takes the ego boost and then never becomes invested in you.  

So here’s my conclusion: be okay to be proactive at making the first move. BUT do it in a way that still leaves space for him to INVEST. And for you to FILTER which men out there are showing up for you as motivated.

Creating opportunities in a way that still enables him to lead the way*.

*FYI this isn’t because men are always the `leaders’ but because it’s very helpful to you to observe how much effort he brings to the table.

So how can you send the first message to a guy online that strikes this balance?

The key is all about creating a message that shows: 

  • The right level of effort

Being totally frank with you women who right zero in the profiles and make next to no effort still get messages; so whilst it’s clearly more attractive to write a good profile/ message we don’t want to go to OTT with our effort factor here.

  • Creating an element of challenge 

He should still have to do something to either kickstart the conversation or satisfy some other criteria you’re looking for, before you’re really, truly, interested. The first message should imply `I quite like what you’ve got’ but in the words of Shania Twain `that don’t impressin’ me much.’

  • Be playful, fun and approachable 

You want to also present yourself as a fun, flirtatious person to talk to. By giving off this (dare I say it?) vibe you draw him in, and he will become excited to talk to you more. Small talk is out, witty, flirty messages are in.

Here are a couple of messages below that I think have all these ingredients in!

See if you can see how each of them strikes this perfect balance:  

`Hey Adam, this would be me, cheekily leaving the ball in your court *tennis ball emoji*’  

`Hey Raj, you’re making me nervous with all that rock climbing!! Any chance you spend some days just relaxing?’  

Both these messages do technically make the first move but they do it in a way that is playful, challenging and contains the right amount of effort.

Remember, you’re walking into this world of dating as a buyer, not a seller!  

I hope you can see there’s a lot that can be learned, improved and tweaked on messages. Ultimately I want you to be the woman he is excited to respond to.

That is why I’m super happy to tell you I’ll be hosting a free webinar on becoming a Master Messenger on Saturday, 12 Dec at 2:30 PM.  

This training session is complimentary but you do have to register in advance. All you need to do now is register!   

And circle the date in your diary!  

Now we’ve gone through our `what not to do’ next time I’ll be sharing with you what message you should send to the guy you can’t get off your mind  



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