Meeting In Real Life

Should you make the first move? Meeting more men you like

June 16, 2017
▪ 4 mins read

My guide to meeting more men you like by learning how to say hi to him

Grab his attention or him?

You believe in equal pay. You can fix a light bulb. And you can definitely out plank any guy at yoga. But when it comes to meeting more men you like, you don’t believe in making the first move?

I am a believer that whatever area of your life you passionately want to change you have to proactively go after it. I see us as women doing this in our careers, businesses and education. So I want to encourage you to start seeing love differently too and meeting more men you like.  

I think most women resist making the first move (this could be anything from messaging him after your date to saying hi to him in real life) afraid to lose their power. Why? Because you believe `men like the chase’. The longer you hold out from them the more they will respect you. So even if you want to say something to him, you naturally withdraw.

I want to tell you two very good reasons why this is not a great strategy...

...and could be holding you back from meeting more men you like.  

On a big level the `let him chase’ assumption is built on the idea of `withholding’. That you become more valuable the more you restrict access to yourself. Especially your physical self. On this valuation scale, it means that a woman who is more sexually available is less valuable. This, I have a BIG problem with. I’d like to think as women our value is not dictated by our bodies.  

Furthermore, any man that judges a woman as `easy’ is an asshole. (If you’re having sex with him - by the nature of the act he was there too. And no one is telling him this doesn’t make him `husband’ material.) And when it comes to meeting more men your basic criteria for a partner is choosing men that accept you - and don’t judge you.  

When it comes to dating we need to weigh in and be valued not on grounds of sex but on grounds of who we are as people. Which is why in events like my Going Renegade women’s training event I teach skills to enhance your charisma and ability to put who you are across.


On a purely practical level, if you only date the men who actively pursue you, you are missing out on meeting more men you like. Think of it this way: say there are ten guys in a room that you could be attracted to. Out of those ten guys maybe one is confident enough to make the first move and approach you.  (I know the movies make out that all men are swashbuckling Casanovas but the reality is many great men find starting a conversation tricky, particularly with women they’re attracted to).  

Odds are as well that if he’s confident enough to approach you in a way you see as `smooth’ that he’s had a bit of practice at this. He’s probably pretty comfortable with approaching women generally. Now, this isn’t a crime and doesn’t make him a bad person, but particular kinds of personality will find this easier. That type of guy will not necessarily be best suited to you.


Out of the rest of the guys maybe one guy will NEVER approach women under any circumstances. And maybe this type of guy isn’t best suited to you either. However, that would leave 8 guys at the party (in my head at this time I’m singing `there are 8 bottles of beer on the wall. And if one should accidentally fall there would be 7 bottles of beer on the wall...’) who you COULD connect with - but don’t. I believe if meeting more men you like is important to you then you HAVE to meet more men. And then get better at filtering through to work out which ones you like. By relying on him to make the first move you’re working with a small sample size, to begin with, and not seeing the full dating market.

The net result of this is often you believing that:

  1. All men are horrendous players (because this kind of guy approaches you more).
  3. No single men exist (also factually incorrect but I can see how you got to that conclusion.)

This is why at my signature event Going Renegade we teach you how to make the first move. I want to empower you with choice and send a message to you that you reap what you sow. You’ve got to hustle and be motivated to change if you want you to want to meet more men you like.  

And when I say make the first move I don’t necessarily mean walking up to him with a, "Hey sexy." Though you can if you want!

Making the first move can also mean:

  1. Moving so you end up standing closer to him and therefore making it easier for him to speak.
  3. Being ladylike and asking his help carrying your drinks from the bar.
  5. Holding his eye contact for a split second longer.
  7. Loitering around after an event has finished so you have a chance to catch up with him one on one.
  9. Messaging guys you like online/ social media.

There’s one way to be inactive when it comes to dating

That usually means changing nothing, doing little and hoping things will change. They won’t. However there are loads of different ways you can become more proactive, take responsibility and create change in your life. It’s not a question of whether you’re introverted, or extroverted; whether you’re confident or shy. This is about learning about who you are as a person, using those strengths and having a game plan for meeting more men you like  

I want to inspire you to think about love differently and to not be obstructed by mental red tape when it comes to dating. You are stronger, smarter and more resilient than that.  

If you’ve been inspired by this blog about meeting more men you like and want to know more about Going Renegade you can email us. In the meantime here’s a cool video of the last time we went out on our adventures.  

Love Hayley x

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About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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