Late-night meets seem to scream - HOOKUPS.
There is a general belief that if a guy wants to meet you late at night it's for a hookup. However, for your dating confidence it’s important to stop interpreting his actions as only meaning ‘one thing’.
A case study on a message from a guy after 9pm
Sarah* got a message from Ash around 9pm seeing if she was free for a drink. Initially she felt really excited, she’d been looking forward to seeing him this weekend for their planned date. However that feeling of excitement quickly became replaced by disappointment, “oh it’s obvious now that he doesn’t really like me, he just wants a hook up, and I’m fed up with guys not taking me seriously.”
Do you see here how Sarah is creating a narrative for what is happening that might not actually be true?
She’s decided that Ash is simply only looking for a sexual relationship, so now feels disappointment, the spell of feeling excited about him is broken.
Here’s the thing men approach dating in a different way to women. From over 15 years coaching men and women on dating I can tell you broadly:
- Men live more in the present moment with dating, he simply may not have got that far ahead yet to work out “what he wants” from dating you.
- Men will often rush in at the start of dating: This is because they’re attracted to you and are excited to get to know you better. That excitement to see you is often confused as a sign he’s “choosing” you for a relationship, he’s not, he’s just attracted to you right now.
- However, just because his first driver is attraction, it doesn’t mean the relationship can’t develop into something more. Men have the same needs you do for love, sex and connection.
So instead of trying to figure out exactly what he wants, think about what works for you.
If you feel disappointed that he seems to just want to hook up, it’s late at night, and you know you’re looking for something more, communicate a reasonable boundary around how you expect him to engage with you.
Instead of just deciding, “it’s 9pm he just wants to hookup”, give him another option.
Give him the chance to take feedback on board from you as to what you are/ aren’t comfortable with.
How to communicate you don’t want a late night hook up?
You can communicate this boundary in 2 ways:
- You can message him back there and then.
“Tempted! But it’s so late for me, and early start tomorrow. Looking forward to Saturday though :-)”
“No late night flirting ;-) I’ve got to go to bed but see you on the weekend.”
This is a really attractive message to send to him:
- You’re showing that he’s not number 1 in your life, and instead you’re prioritising your work and sleep like the sane woman you are.
- You’ve successfully kept the tone of your message warm and inviting. You haven’t accepted the narrative of “it’s 9pm he just wants to hookup” and chastised him for it - when you’re not even sure if this is true!!
- It can be easy for men to also feel rejected at the start of dating, and the warm tone of your message shows him that even though you don’t want to meet him right now, that you are still interested in him.
- You can leave it until the next day to get back to him.
They say nothing good happens after 9pm and if you want to communicate that hookups aren’t for you, simply have a cut off time to reply to messages in the evenings.
Dating can be stressful and if late night messaging exchanges are creating some anxiety, and disrupting your sleep, put your phone onto airplane mode! Then you can respond during daylight hours:
“Hi :-) how was your night? Look forward to Saturday x”
“I turned into a pumpkin!!! But I can still do Saturday?x”
The simple fact you haven’t immediately responded suggests that you’re not open to late night meetings, at least at this stage of getting to know one another.
What if I want to meet up with him after 9pm?
The compelling reason to not meet up with him after 9pm is that late at night, particularly if alcohol is involved, it can be harder for you to maintain your boundaries. If you’re really clear that you don’t want to hook up then sticking to daytime, or early evening, dates with him until you get to know him better is an easy way for you to stay true to what you want.
If you know that by hooking up with a guy early on that you’re likely to catch feelings and develop expectations for the relationship prematurely avoid jumping into a late night date - no matter how exciting it sounds!
Dating successfully often requires patience. Instead of reacting to “what’s exciting right now” it’s about you consciously thinking about what is right for you at this stage in your life…
…and any man worth having in your life can wait a few days to see you.
By communicating what you’d like to happen, instead of a late night hook up, you also give him the chance to take that feedback on board and adapt how he relates to you.
If he takes this feedback, and invites you on a high quality date - great!
If he disappears, or seems to lose interest, then you’ve got your answer.
To become great at knowing how to say NO to the wrong guys and yes to the right ones check out Wingwoman Club.
Hookup FAQs
How soon is too soon to sleep with a guy?
Get out of the mindset that a guy is “judging you” for sleeping with him too soon. Instead of thinking “how soon is too soon to sleep with a guy”, think about how invested you’ll feel in the possibility of a relationship with him, if you have sex. When you sleep with a man early on, you don’t know much about his general character, or his relationship goals. This can mean you’re more exposed to disappointment, if you become more emotionally attached to a man after sleeping with him.
Why do guys want to hook up with me but not date me?
If a man is not at a time in his life where he wants a relationship this is rarely a reflection on you. He’s just enjoying casually dating, without any expectations for commitment. However, you have a choice here about what relationships you choose to participate in. If he wants to hook up, and that’s not for you, simply don’t go there. Feel confident that if you let this opportunity pass, you will be able to meet someone who’s more aligned with what you want.
What to do when a guy asks you to come over late at night?
Do you want a physical, casual relationship with him? Would you be disappointed that after you come over late at night that he doesn’t want to see you again? If you know late night hook ups don’t line up with what you want from dating and relationships choose not to respond (at least until the next day). Read this blog for exact examples of what to say so you get a real date and not a hook up.
