Letting Go Of `That Guy’ - How To Get Over Your Crush

May 10, 2019
▪ 8 mins read

We have all had a guy that we can’t get over. A crush that we just can’t seem to let go of. He doesn’t want a relationship with you and always has an excuse.

5 Reasons Why You Need To Get Over Your Crush & How

We have all had a guy that we can’t get over. A crush that we can’t seem to let go of. He doesn’t want a relationship with you and always has an excuse. I know first hand how tough it is to be really into a guy, have all the connection and attraction... but then he doesn't want a relationship. 

You hold on because the other people you're meeting don't compare. Though you would wince to admit it, you're holding out that he's going to CHANGE.  

When you’re together it is amazing, but you’re sure your crush is seeing other women.

It feels like one annoying, nasty snag in the great connection you share. You feel compelled to give him more time, you see so much potential in him, and the other guys you’re meeting don’t compare. You have even told your friends and family about him. Even started to develop feelings. 

I do get it. I have been there, but girl you need to get over your crush. You need to take off those rose-coloured glasses. It's not him that needs to change, it's you. It's easier said than done, I know.  

But I’m going to hit you with 5 solid reasons why you need to let go of him.

1. Staying with him won’t get you what you want.

When we can't accept that another person doesn't want us in the way we want them, it sucks. It is pure heartbreak material. 

Even if your crush is the super cool guy that you think he is - it would defy human psychology for him to change his behaviour by you being, even more, giving/loving/available.

I know you see potential in him, which is why you want to stick it out. He’s come up with some excuses for his half-hearted approach to your relationship. He had a bad break up and needs the time to heal. His business is having problems, or he’s not ready. But, the facts are the facts! If he wanted to be with you, in a committed relationship, he would say so.

(And if you think that you want a commitment with him you better read this first....)  

Now, him saying to you that he wants something casual doesn’t make him a bad person. He’s allowed to want whatever kind of relationship he wants. This isn’t his fault or the fault of modern dating culture. But you have to take responsibility for continuing in a relationship (or should we say situationship) where you’re not getting what you want.

He has told you he doesn’t want a relationship. You have to accept this as fact no matter how charming he is being otherwise.

By accepting his crumbs of affection you are setting a precedent with him that you will settle for less. Instead show that you are worthy of the whole cake or there will be no incentive for him to change.

If you allow him to lose respect for you, there is no way he is going to up his game. He will not think, `damn I need to do a bit more here’ or `she wouldn’t put up with me, which is fair enough...’

2. You need to worry less about your crush and more about you.

I know he’s told you he’s having a tough time. He even told you he loved you in a momentary lapse.  

This doesn’t change the facts about what he has told you about what he can offer.

And let’s revisit this point. If he is falling short of what you want, it is not your job to bridge the gap. Don't be more understanding, more patient and kinder. It is your job to go, `okay he’s not meeting my needs.’ Deprioritise him. No drama. No epic long WhatsApp message, make far less time for him. Or give him time in proportion to how much he can give you.

I know you’ll be thinking, `but Hayley if I give him less time, that’s mean he’s going to go off and find other women. He’s so handsome/successful/whatever he will find it easy to meet someone else...’

Here is a great example where you need to think less about him, and more about you.

You need to meet new guys (or women, or both) rather than wasting your time with this guy. If anyone needs to worry about someone moving on it should be him.

The truth is (and as a dating coach I should know) it isn’t all that easy for him to meet someone else. Let him realise how much you gave by giving him all the space he needs to work that out. If he immediately moves on without a flinch, the writing is on the wall for you to let this go. And if you KNOW that he already has another woman in his life, extra get outta there. That writing on the wall has turned into a neon sign.

3. It takes you off the market.

If we did one big cost/ benefit analysis of `should you stay with this guy?’ a huge cost to you, would be the loss of your time. Time is the one commodity we can spend but we can’t buy.

By focusing on staying with him so you can keep him from meeting other women (you can’t, he said so) you are keeping yourself from meeting other people. And they can give you what you want. (In fact, if you're single, I bet this may well be the reason why....)

And let’s be clear again here, not only is he not going to give you what you want, your staying with him is only validating that how he’s acting is okay by you.

Imagine two scenarios:

Scenario a

He meets you and charms you. You have a great connection. Then when he communicates he can’t offer you what you want, that you have the lady balls to walk away. Not go back. Not check upon him. Walk away at the peak of your time together and show that you are valuing yourself above the attention of any guy. You'll send a clear signal to both him and yourself that you’ll be able to meet someone else. Someone who is more aligned with what you want. In the end, you show tons of confidence.

Scenario b

He meets you and charms you. You have a great connection. Then when he communicates he can’t offer you what you want, you almost leave, but then you go back. Then you hang around. You feel sad because you’re trying too hard to juggle your feelings. Then the quality of the dates between you becomes bad. He pulls away, even more, leaving you feeling like he is hurting you, even more, when you are giving even more.

The whole feeling between you becomes a bitter tug of war. The time you spend together becomes less and less enjoyable whilst you are convincing him to give your relationship a chance.

The doom scenario here is that after all this, he breaks up with you.

I know we’re all supposed to rise above these things. A natural response to this would be, `how could he?’ Because you KNOW you were better off without him in the first place.

4. It’s not you, it’s him.

The problem with hanging around waiting for your crush to change is that you are not in battle with whatever women he has in his life. You are in a battle with his ego, and how he thinks his life should be right now.

He has made a decision to devote this stage in his life to making himself happy in this specific way he has chosen. Whether that’s through meeting goals in his career, or by showing to himself that he can date a wide variety of women. And I know we can think, `please, grow up!’. Yet, it is important to recognise that none of us has the right to judge another person’s version of happy.

Whether it’s thrash metal, veganism, or casual dating it is pretty okay for most of us to go through phases and experimentation in our life. This only becomes malign when we’re not being open with the people who we get involved with. This may not be a lot of people’s ideas of moral behaviour.

If a guy is in this mode, you need to recognise him not wanting the same things isn’t a comment on how attractive you are or your worth as a person. He is simply expressing - this is who I am right now.

You don’t want to wage a war between your idea of him, and who he believes he is. Let him come to his conclusions. That may mean giving him an infinite amount of space and time to work it out.

Your best bet instead of trying to control his actions is to control yourself.  

Walk away to focus on things that make you happy instead.

5. Carrying on will impact how you see relationships in the future.

When we first start dating, we are filled with true youthful enthusiasm to meet people. We have open hearts and minds. Along the way, experience makes us wiser and more realistic. But, if we take on board too much emotional water through these experiences, it can also make it harder for us to let go when we need to.

If there is ever a good reason to let go of a bad relationship, it would be to preserve your optimism and energy for the better relationships to come.

If you allow this current relationship to rinse you through continual cycles of feeling upset and let down, you may find it harder to motivate yourself for dates in the future. You may be a little distrusting. Maybe you will temporarily lose the faith in relationships full stop. You may not feel as awesome and cool as you are.

What is more important than convincing your crush to be with you, is preserving your very own self-esteem. This inner confidence is the treasure that will help you to meet new people. Say no when you don’t want something and be open-hearted when you have a date.

You do not want to allow this trajectory to change. Instead, make the power move, leave on a high. Walk away knowing that this isn’t your battle to fight. By saying no to one thing, only means you will say yes to something better in the future.

So what are the solutions to these dating problems that are going to help you forget your crush?

Solution 1 - You need to get far, far better at meeting people. When you do this one person won't seem that amazing anymore. Trust me, you can learn to meet people in real life. You can supercharge your online profile and know who to invest your time on dates with. You can start to really analyse whether your current lifestyle is in alignment with your dating goals.

Solution 2 -You need to change your dating standards. I want you to unpick the idea you have in your head of who you should meet, to become open to who could make you happy. That means we're not looking for a guy who can create a good few dates for you. We're looking for someone who can go the distance and become better and better as time goes on. 

Solution 3 - You need to date smarter and understand what goes through his mind in the early dating stages. From a decade of working with men, I can help you to get where he is coming from so you read the roadmap of the relationship. 

You can and you will find better. Because you deserve it: and you show that to yourself by taking action now and letting go of your crush.

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