We have all had a guy that we can’t get over: a crush that we just can’t seem to let go of. He doesn’t want a relationship with you, and always has an excuse.
When you’re together it is amazing, but you’re sure he’s seeing other women.
It feels like one annoying, nasty snag in the great connection you share. You feel compelled to give him more time, because you see so much potential in him, and the other guys you’re meeting don’t compare.
I do get it. I have been there, but girl you need to get over your crush. I know this is easier said than done so I’m going to hit you with 5 solid reasons why you need to let go of him.
Why you need to get over your crush 1 – staying with him won’t get you what you want.
Even if this guy is the super cool guy that you think he is – it would defy human psychology for him to change his behaviour by you being even more giving / loving / available.
I know you see potential in him, which is why you want to stick it out. I know he’s probably come up with some excuses for his half hearted approach to your relationship: he had a bad break up, his business is having problems, or maybe he’s just not ready. However the facts are the facts: if he wanted to be with you properly, in a committed relationship, he would say so.
Now, him saying to you that he just wants something casual doesn’t make him a bad person, he’s allowed to want whatever kind of relationship he wants. This isn’t his fault, or the fault of modern dating culture, but you have to take responsibility for continuing in a relationship (or should we say situationship) where you’re not getting what you want.
He has told you he doesn’t want a relationship, you have to accept this as fact no matter how charming he is being otherwise.
Also by accepting his crumbs of affection, instead of feeling that you are worthy of the whole cake, you are setting a precedent with him that you will settle for less. So there is absolutely no incentive for him to change.
If you allow him to lose respect for you, there is no way he is going to up his game and think, ‘damn I need to do a bit more here’ or ‘she wouldn’t put up with me, which is fair enough…’
Why you need to get over your crush 2 – you need to worry less about him and more about you
I know he’s told you he’s having a tough time, maybe he even told you he loved you in a momentary lapse. Again this doesn’t change the facts about what he has clearly (or maybe not so clearly) told you about what he can offer.
And let’s revisit this point again; if he is falling short of what you want, it is not your job to bridge the gap by being more understanding, more patient and kinder. It is your job to go, ‘okay he’s not really meeting my needs,’ and deprioritise him accordingly. No drama. No epic long WhatsApp message, just make far less time for him. Or give him time in proportion to how much he is actually able to give you.
I know you’ll be thinking, ‘but Hayley if I give him less time, that’s mean he’s going to just go off and find some other women, he’s so handsome / successful/ whatever he will find it easy to meet someone else…’
Here is a great example where you need to think less about him, and more about you.
You need to meet new guys (or women, or both) rather than wasting your time with this guy. If anyone needs to worry about someone moving on it should be him.
The truth is (and as a dating coach I should know) it isn’t actually all that easy for him to mystically meet someone else, it takes quite a lot of effort for most men to pull: so let him realise how much you gave by giving him all the space he needs to work that out. If he immediately moves on without a flinch, I know this feels horrible but the writing is on the wall for you to let this go. And if you KNOW that he already has another woman in his life right now, extra get outta there, that writing on the wall has turned into a neon sign.
Why you need to get over your crush 3 – it takes you off the market
If we were going to do one big cost/ benefit analysis of ‘should you stay with this guy?’ a huge cost to you, would be the loss of your time. Time is the one commodity we can spend but we can’t buy.
Rather than focusing on staying with him so you can keep him from meeting other women (you can’t, he explicitly said so) you are in fact keeping yourself from meeting other people who can give you what you want. (In fact if you’re single, I bet this may well be the reason why.…)
And let’s be clear again here, not only is he not going to give you what you want, your staying with him is only validating that how he’s acting is okay by you.
Imagine two scenarios: he meets you, charms you, you have a great connection, then when he communicates he can’t offer you what you want, that you have the lady balls to walk away, not go back, and not check up on him. You walk away at the peak of your time together and really clearly show that you are valuing yourself above the attention of any guy. You also send a clear signal to both him (and more importantly yourself) that you know you’ll easily be able to meet someone who is more aligned with what you want. You show tons of confidence.
Or scenario b which is he meets you, charms you, you have a great connection, then when he communicates he can’t offer you what you want, then you almost leave, but then you go back, then you hang around, then you feel sad because you’re trying too hard to juggle your feelings, then the quality of the dates between you becomes bad, and he pulls away even more, leaving you feeling like he is hurting you even more, when you are giving even more.
Eventually the whole feeling between you becomes a bitter tug of war convincing him to give your relationship a chance, whilst the time you actually spend together becomes less and less enjoyable.
The doom scenario here is that after all this, he actually breaks up with you.
I know we’re all supposed to rise above these things, but a natural response to this would be, ‘how could he?’ Because you KNOW you were better off without him in the first place.
Why you need to get over your crush 4 – it’s not you, it’s him