Should You Be More Feminine To Attract Men?

February 26, 2019
▪ 5 mins read

So you need more feminine energy - how do you get that exactly?

I find women’s dating advice that talks about blocked chakras, or needing to be `more in your feminine energy’ a little restrictive (who is to say what is and isn’t feminine?) and not all that helpful (so you need more feminine energy - how do you get that exactly?)

As a dating coach, my teaching style likes to emphasize practical steps that you can use in the non-woo-woo world. I also think it’s kind of patronizing to tell other women, how to be women.

That said - being 'feminine' is not a dirty word. It doesn't have to mean lesser, or supplicate, or simpering... it can, of course, be very powerful. If you don't like the word, I would try thinking of it as `being more open’. A feeling that should be good for you and attract more people into your life.

But what does this mean for you when creating change?

NOTE: I kind of hate advice that is all 'be confident' - causing a lot of people to think 'yes but HOW??'

Being more open instead of more feminine

So much dating advice will tell you 'be more feminine to attract men'. I have 3problems with this:

  1. It's kind of like 'be more confident' or 'just be yourself'. Like that isgoodbut what exactly does it mean?
  2. I think being feminine can be very powerful but I think too often this word is confused with being supplication, or simpering... which I know we are not.
  3. Also I know not all women date exclusively men.

So instead of thinking 'how to be more feminine' I prefer for you to think 'how do I be more open?' This for dating is POWERFUL. Here are some simple but good practices for being more open (feminine) to attract men, or indeed other women...

6 tips on openness

I like to coach women in a way that is practical, hands on and applicable to modern day life. I have collected 6 tips involving openness that you can begin to incorporate today into your dating life.

It isn't woo-woo it's body language, conversation skills, mindset ... all the things that are within your control to change and that will have an impact on who you can attract.This is the stuff I love, and that I see men learning all the time, but with women it always seems to be 'unblock your energy'.

Man or women - smart people take responsibility to learn, to create change and go after what they want.  

Tip 1: Receiving

And no I’m not talking sexually. I am always surprised by how many incredible women will give, give, give for others. And yet they will be resistant to people helping them. You want to attract partners who are giving to your needs and emotionally available. A good place to start is when someone offers to do something for you (whether it’s a guy giving you his coat when it’s cold, or someone buying you a coffee) is to say `thank you’.

Tip 2: Leave things open

A great flirting principle for women is to leave things OPEN instead of using a direct suggestion. For instance, instead of saying, `let’s make out on your couch’, you could say, `that’s quite a nice couch...’. Let the other person fill in the blanks. Before you’re `at that stage’ it could be a smart idea to say something like, `maybe you can convince me...’. leaving things open and uncertain often creates the space for a spark to fly. It is also nice to know the other person’s mind is working that way.

Tip 3: Chuck out your check list

Of course, like with anything in life, this is the golden place to start. When I meet a client who is very checking box focused, I wonder if they’re looking for a person to date or the social status of a relationship. May we all agree now that saying `tall guys only’ on your online dating profile is bad?

I mean how would you feel if you saw `size 8 only’ on a guy’s profile? I’m pretty sure the pitchforks would be out, so if we want to be equal but different, let’s not body shame him either. Keeping an open mind will also help you. So he’s not your normal type? You wouldn’t go to mini golf for a date? If you can go along with it for a bit, this may mean that you break out of your rut in who you choose.

Always put people’s treatment of you, over how awesome they seem on paper.

Tip 4: Open statements

Asking point-blank questions is rarely the way to get the best out of people. Replace the need to fill that silence. Allow the pause (because you don’t need to impress anyone) and if anything makes an open statement. This could be something like, `I’m still getting back used to how chilly it is in London...’. This creates curiosity and should prompt them to say, `where have you been?’

This is often both more elegant and effective in driving the conversation than saying, `I’ve just got back from vacation. Have you got any holidays planned this year?’ Also, who doesn’t want a good and attentive listener?

Tip 5: Body language

Crossed arms or your bag on your lap sends a strong signal of `do not come over’. This is fine if that’s how you’re feeling, but, many men in 2019 are very hesitant to approach in this post #metoo era. If you want these considerate guys to say hi, then stack your positive body language signals. You will sub-communicate 'I'm open to speaking.'

Tip 6: Sit back and let things flow

I know you want to ask him why he hasn’t been in touch for 2 days. Or what he’s looking for... but this is also a time to sit back and let things flow. I promise if you do you will get a better insight into his character. You will also learn to deal with that feeling of being in the unknown. Often when you’re dating you won’t know where you stand. Instead of being in a rush for commitment with this guy (is he that great?) start to get more comfortable with dealing with unknowns, and letting things happen. This isn't passive, it's powerful.

You are feminine just by being you!

These are a few basic ways you can start to work with the idea of openness to improve your dating life.

At my dating workshops in London it is something I like to teach. It’s very easy to hear `be more feminine’ and feel guarded, or like that’s just not you. In the dating, of course, you shouldn’t try to be something you’re not; in fact, it’s often helpful to be more you than ever before. But, for men, women, everyone understanding how you can use language, body language and mindset to get better results - that is just smart.

Smart people don’t wait for life to happen to them - they go and create what they want.

So if you are READY to date differently, feel more confident and meet new wing women - I would love to work with you.

Postscript - apologies for obnoxious overuse of the word 'men' - I am writing partially as the slave to some SEO but would like to acknowledge that ideas around femininity and openness are suitable for ALL. Not just women looking to attract men :-)

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About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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