Dating Tips
For Men

Be really masculine, not just a fanboy

December 12, 2015
▪ 4 mins read

PUA as the fanboy of masculinity

In this week's podcast, I talk to the cool man that is Steve Mayeda from The Sexual Life.

This is a guy whose been there, done that and whom I respect. He talks to me about manhood... how to get there and how not to get waylaid on your journey. We discuss the masculine ideas and ideals around masculinity.

The interview

Hey, Steve! Welcome to my Attraction HQ podcast. Thank you very much for joining me today.


Absolutely. My pleasure. Good to be here.


Steve, as you guys might be aware, is the founder of the Sexual Life and host of The 21 Convention. I went on his podcast a couple of weeks ago, and I loved what he had to say, and I got into it. So I thought that's it! He must come and teach the men of Attraction HQ the true way.

We have lots of the wisdom that I'd like to bring to the guys that are listening today. And any women that are curious and have joined in. So, you've been on a bit of a, I get to use the cliched phrase personal journey?


It never stops, you are always on a personal journey to some degree. But with pickup for me, it was something that was my vehicle of expression. There are all sorts of different ways people can get to know themselves. Guys that are involved in martial arts- that becomes their template of finding out the truth. Who they are, what that is. They could find the meaning of life within that. Or weightlifting or whatever different ways you can fully engage yourself, your complete system.

And I won't necessarily say pick up for me was that but sex and everything that goes with it, that means love, that one's heard. That means lost. That means sometimes being promiscuous. You could be a very caring person, you could be a misogynistic person, but there's a big range of truths that I am still on this journey. But the thing that worked out for me was dating, relationships, sex and working with men on that.


Lots of guys might stumble across this podcast or other aspects of things. And here's the trick, and this what I wanted to explore with you today- lots of people come in thinking when they get good with meeting women, approaching them and flirting with them, and having sex with them regularly, their lives will be good. All the bits that were screwed up before that sexy woman, or women, probably more likely plural, are going to be fixed.

So they embark on the journey of pickup or dating or sex and relationships. To many, it feels like a solution that's going to lift them out of space where they're lacking something in their lives. Or they haven't felt particularly confident or successful or in tune with who they are in the past. The issue is that build up around the process of falling in love or just having sex with someone isn't a solution.


Oh, totally. Let me just say to guys out there, girls, or whoever's listening to this, if you are not looking at how to better your dating and sex life- what's wrong with you? You shouldn't be doing that in pickup way. It took it in this crazy direction. So any man that is focused on bettering his life is going to look at pickup at some point. The problem is, there's just so much crap out there.

 What are the ways to get rich in the world? Sell sex to men, being skinny to women, or start a religion. There's a lot of corruption in these industries and pick up is so new, that all this toxic shit came out of it.

Now, let's go into talking to women.

There's nothing wrong with it. Sex with women- nothing wrong with it. I'll say any kind of sex, there's nothing wrong with it as long as you guys are living within your own rules. So that means if somebody is really into crazy, weird, violent fantasy, the most bizarre things that you could come up with if the people engaged in that are enjoying it then that's good.

It's the enforcement of the rules, which screw everything up. This is what happens with men and women- we don't have enough of sexual identity in this culture. We can't express ourselves. We get caught up in all these archetypes and whatever. And we have this urge to sleep with one another.

It's hard to articulate and express and be fulfilled by that- to be recognised as that. So we start trying to manufacture it. And this is the result that I've seen in pick up. If you get caught up in approaching it's a big expression of yourself, it's a sign of dominance, it's a sign of masculine energy, you'll end up having fewer friends. You might be able to make connections with people, but most likely you won't. But either way, you'll only have friends that are involved in that. You will not have connections with women, you'll see women or sex or the human connection as a game. We call it the game after all.


Make sure to listen to the whole podcast by pressing the play button below! If you have ever thought about PUA this is a great way to choose a better path! For the ethical, women approved dating advice head to my Hayley Quinn Club site!

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About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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