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Create a deeper connection with women

How you wondered about what you can do to improve your approaches?

Now you guys might not know about this, but I have spent an awful lot of time working with guys and girls taking them out into the big wide world, getting them to be better at meeting people. I have seen tens of thousands of approaches and I’ve done a few myself in my nastier younger years so what I want to do is give you some advice on how you can improve that approach and create a deeper connection with them.

If you are trying to meet more people, you’re going up to them and something isn’t really connecting at the moment and you’re not getting the reaction from people that you’d wish or expect, there might be something in this video that can help you.

Question 1

There have been times when I’ve walked up to a girl on the street in the daytime, I’ve introduced myself and after introducing myself to her she has said: “You have approached me before.”. What can I say to the girl to make the conversation go better and sort of eliminating what she’s just said? Which is you’ve approached me before in the street?

My advice

I genuinely I kind of love the fact that you don’t remember which girls you’ve approached, and to have approached the same one again and you want to carry on with that interaction, that to me says you are pretty focused and dedicated to sorting this part of your life out. You must be going out there quite a lot and funnily enough, you know some people might listen to this and be like oh my god he’s approaching the same girl twice, what’s up with that?

Look if you’re out there doing it, I can understand why you don’t remember exactly everybody that you meet and you’re still trying to meet people. And I actually admire the dedication to improving this bit. I think whenever there’s like a blooper in an interaction whether that’s oh gosh you’ve approached her before how awkward or you’ve spilt something down your shirt or you say something and you like put your foot in the mouth and it doesn’t come out right, the best thing that you can do is acknowledge it. Take ownership of it and actually make it a topic of conversation because this shows that you’re extremely self-confident which is kind of attractive. What I would do and how I’d respond to this is I’d be like:

Oh my gosh, really that is actually horrendously embarrassing. Okay, wait we’re gonna have to stop because next time I see you I have to remember not to say hello to you again. So, let’s make this interaction memorable. You’ve got to at least tell me your name!

Play into the fact that you’ve messed up.

Hold your hands up and say whoops I don’t believe I’ve done that twice! Pay notice to the tone of voice you are using. Be really playful! We want her to feel secure and comfortable in your company. We want her to know that actually you’re a nice guy and you’re just trying to meet people. So be friendly, warm, playful. Acknowledge that the situation is awkward but also suggest that this time you have to make the interaction memorable. Or you have to at least remember each other’s names that you don’t make the same mistake again.

Now if you do it right and you’re playful enough about it, and you create enough trust she might well want to keep speaking to you after this. Because you know what? The attraction isn’t a very logical thing. It’s all about how people feel in our company. So, remember- if you’re transparent, honest, ethical, playful, fun, and you acknowledge what’s going on, that will do a lot to create the attraction.

Question 2

How do I truly change a very deep core belief? Context of this I’m overweight and not good-looking. I am Egyptian, just got to America about a year ago. When I try to talk to girls, they literally stay for 10 seconds and then they leave. So, I say you look nice and they would say thank you and leave. Now, I think it’s because of my looks. They see me and they’re like okay not interested.

Reset your beliefs

First of all, I felt a lot when I was reading that question. I understand that you’re carrying a big belief around with you at the moment and I actually think it’s about the belief here rather than women not liking you. There’s this weird phrase that I heard once which is: If you have a hammer you go looking for nails. Which means if you have a kind of a belief column almost unconsciously will or subconsciously, we start looking out for stuff to fulfil and complete that belief. So, if that belief is like oh, I’m unattractive or oh I’m always the friend, you search for evidence that fits into that framework.

In fact, from many years of helping people to approach one another, I can objectively say that usually the initial approach, particularly men to women stop she’s not really looking at you like oh he’s not fit

But that’s not how her mind works. What’s probably happening is you’re approaching her and she’s like who is this guy, who is this guy, who is this guy, who is this guy and the fact that she’s standing there for 10 seconds is not actually that bad. She’s at least giving you an opportunity to connect with her and drive the conversation forward. The problem is particularly if you use what’s called a direct opener.

The way you compliment the women and you say oh hey I just want to come over and say that you looked really nice today, most women’s instinctual reaction is okay he said what he needed to say, back to what I was doing before.

It’s really unusual that a woman will stay in that place.

She would just assume that you said what you wanted to say and then go back to whatever she was doing before you met her. A little thing that you can do to circumnavigate this sends a strong signal that this interaction isn’t over yet and actually there’s more that you want to say.

The best mechanism I found for doing this is to offer your name. Then when you get her name what happens is by swapping names and maybe having a bit of a handshake it snaps the interaction back together and signals that you want to say more on a deeper note there. What I would say is whilst you that will be a little kind of skill that it’s gonna help hopefully help the interaction to last a bit longer. The big cog turn that needs to happen in your mind is that it isn’t all about how fit or how hot you are, or how hot you think you are. Instead, initial interaction between two people is just one big communications exercise.

Try to shift your belief

Think instead: if she knew who I was if she totally got my sense of humour if she knew about me in the past, and she knew about my qualities she would be totally into me. She’d really want to meet me. If you assume that she doesn’t know it yet, she hasn’t recognized it yet but if she did, she would love to get to know you. It’s not just about someone rejecting you on grounds of looks it’s actually that she hasn’t understood what your intention is yet. She doesn’t know who you are. And because you started the interaction you need to bridge that gap.

You bridge that gap by learning little skills like understanding that her first response is to walk off and by actually offering your name and building more trust it’s gonna really help with that. But also work on that belief. Believe that people want to meet you and they want to date you. Value what is good about yourself. Think about what people need to know about you and the things that make you wonderful and special and awesome in this world.

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If there isn’t and it doesn’t answer you’re approaching the question, please email [email protected] with the subject line YouTube question and hopefully I will be able to get back to your question personally in a few weeks’ time.

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