Hayley Quinn looking up in front of a brick wall

Don’t perform for her (not s.e.x. advice!)

You do you!

Most ‘pick up’ and dating teaching is badly wrong. So wrong that it teaches you ideas that only help you to fail with women! One of the biggest dating ‘myths’ I see is the concept that you have to do something, you have to ‘perform’ for a woman to make her like you.

I am here to tell you that this is absolutely WRONG!

You’ll notice this when:

1. Disreputable ‘pick up’ companies teach you that there’s a series of steps you have to take until she likes you. It’s almost like meeting women is a game, and if you successfully pass through the ‘levels’ out pops ‘the prize’.
2. Dating companies tell you unless you are an alpha sexy man – you stand no chance with women aka ‘there’s only one way to be sexy’ myth.
3. That women are by default hard to impress and it’s going to be an uphill struggle to get her to go on a date with you.

The problem with these beliefs is they:

1. work on the fundamental principle that you’re not good enough.
2. make you believe that meeting women is really difficult.
3. make you think that you have to play a role to meet women.

This idea that you have to PERFORM for women may be the reason you’re struggling to connect with women! It makes you think you have to ‘learn’ a lot of stuff before she’ll accept you… the consequence of this is normally that you just feel a bit neurotic! And get stuck ‘in your head’, so just when you want to speak to her you run out of things to say.


Women also notice you struggling to perform by you ‘fronting’ and not presenting your true self. Then they get suspicious or lose attraction to you as they see whatever persona you’re putting on (the funny guy, the alpha guy, etc) as a sign of low self-image and insincerity.


To avoid this you need to get used to not performing – yep. You need to reacclimatize to the fact that you are enough. You may need to improve your self -esteem, brush up on some communication skills, take up a cool hobby that you’re proud to talk of but fundamentally YOU ARE ENOUGH and not enough dating advice tells you that.

Hayley Quinn

Hayley Quinn is an internationally recognised dating coach and founder of the UK’s largest dating coaching company. She has over 2 Million views on her TED talk and over 100,000 YouTube subscribers.

She is the spokesperson for Match, the biggest online dating platform in the world. She has been featured on BBC1, Sky and Channel 4 and is a regular columnist for Cosmopolitan and a contributor to yahoo!style.

Her first fiction book “The Last First Date” has been published by Harper Collins and her non-fiction book “Do This Not That” (Simon & Schuster) is due for publication in early 2023.

Her goal is to bridge the gap with modern dating and help inspire people to learn to love dating.

Phone: +447517915854
Back to Blog