Welcome back!
I'm here to give you a female empowered, perspective flipping version of dating and love advice. If you want to hear about what women really are thinking and feeling and also learn about dating skills in a way that's kind of ethical and honest, you are in the right place. I'm joined today by the awesome writer and therapist, Charles Rare, who's a return and very popular podcast guest so welcome back.
Roadmap to rejection
Charles:
Thank you.
Hayley:
As usual, we stumbled upon this topic for this podcast completely organically whilst chatting pre podcast. And it was we were talking things actually about a few instances when I was approached recently and like the male mindset around approaching in a way that kind of sets you up for failure, which we decided to call planning for rejection. What is it to plan for failure to plan for rejection?
Charles:
All right. So from a personal perspective, and being a guy, I think one of the first barriers you're going to come across when you try to approach women is What if I'm rejected? That's like one of the first things I've dealt with numerous times and either does one of two things. You either choose not to follow them or follow through with it, or you plan for the rejection. [...]And that's what we do as men, I feel like we then start planning for that rejection, we start to say, Alright, cool, what if she says no? What if she doesn't actually respond to what I do? What's my next move? I don't want to seem incompetent. So we plan based around the fact with the expectation that we're going to be rejected.
Hayley:
And then what happens? Oh, I think it's really funny is and I've seen this numerous times around coaching my clients, and also when I've just been like, you know, throw in a bit of a curveball at a bathroom in a nice way. That's approaching me. If the woman is actually surprisingly, open, friendly, relaxed, willing to talk, wanting to take things further herself. Then suddenly the guy can be like, hang on a minute. I didn't plan for this, what's going on?Now the road map runs out because I've spent so much time thinking through how I would respond to a no, now I've got a yes. That was the one response I wasn't there for.
Charles:
It's like going into school or going to university and you're thinking all right these free subjects. I hope these come up on the exam, but then it's the other free. You're like, What do I do? That's what comes with us what the feeling is like.
Hayley:
I know what I hear back from some of the guys I work with, as well as they literally if that, you know, they walk up to a woman, she's really receptive. And, you know, she just wants to give them her number. There'll be like, what have I done to earn that?
Charles:
I haven't done anything yet.
Hayley:
Yeah, they feel like they fluke. They've, like one of the guys I work with, he's a karate champion. It's like is it like that? Like, what I fluke point and I just when my coach says a win is a win. And I agree a win is a win. I think you've already won by the fact you chose to approach her.
Charles:
I thought that. Well, I think that it takes a lot of courage to even just like act on anything these days. Most men have probably dealt a lot with rejection that's led to the anxiety or the paranoia around rejection in general, that for you to even approach her knowing that you're going to or possibly might be rejected. That's quite courageous. In the modern-day, you may be faced with the modern-day type a woman who's pretty firm and knows what she wants? And you know, you might not be that guy, but even still move forward and say, Well, I'm gonna try my luck. Obviously respond in a very sort of this tasteful way if you are rejected. I consider that quite courageous.
Hayley:
It's very courageous. For me, if a guy approaches me in a way that's direct, immediately he goes so high up in my estimation because I recognise all the thought process that he's got to that point. And putting one foot in front of the other and coming over to say, Hello.
Charles:
Just Hi. How are you doing?
Hayley:
Lots of guys think, Oh, I need this like a perfect system of a perfectmoment.
Charles:
Right, right moment.
Hayley:
I have these lines because then that will if I cracked the code, then I'll never have to face rejection. And in fact, often it's the most simple spontaneous beginnings which get the best response because she's what she's reading from that is, you didn't plan this. You're just putting your neck called the line in fact, that makes means that you've got the courage and then there's some sincere interest in her. And that's what she begins to respond to.
What to know where our conversation went? Listen to the whole episode below. And if you want to learn how to stop planning for rejection, join my Hayley Quinn Club today!
