long term partner

Long Term Partner: Choosing Who to ‘Wife’

What makes a good long term partner?

 

In this episode, I talk to pro-Matchmaker Siobhan about what qualities you need to look out for when thinking about a long term partner.

I am a dating coach Hayley Quinn and I teach, I’d like to think ethical, empowered ways of connecting and understanding women better because I work with lots of women as well. So if you want a kind of a woman positive viewpoint on love and relationships, you are in the right place. 

 

The interview

Joining me today is the gorgeous, amazing super people person, matchmaker extraordinaire, Siobhan.

 

Siobhan

Thank you. Lovely intro.

 

Hayley

Well, you do always bring cookies of some kind. So I’m always happy about this. We just had a little chat. And we’ve agreed we’ve got to shoot off soon. So we’re gonna keep a nice short episode that’s going to be telling you about what to look for in a wife.  

I found a truly horrible article. It was basically saying that the right wife choice is 30 is basically the top upper limit. 25 is better. 20 is way preferable. And she’s a virgin, brilliant. She should never have gone out drinking. Obviously, to me, that doesn’t sound like a marriage. That sounds like a guy who’s afraid and insecure. He doesn’t want a relationship or partnership or connection. He wants someone that he can keep in. But to be honest, even if you marry a 20-year-old virgin, who’s never touched a drop of alcohol, she will grow up. She might rebel. So I would not base the relationship on control.

 

Siobhan

Or ownership. What makes a good woman? I mean, that is the question as well. Clearly, the author of this ludicrous article is living in the dark ages. The audacity to write that.

 

Hayley

Let’s just tear apart some of the premises of this. Right? So she has fewer sexual partners or non because she’s a virgin before she gets married to you. Now to me, there’s a problem here. If you are her only sexual experience, and maybe your significantly order, because it suggests the man should be 30 to 45. So say you’re 40, you marry a 20-year-old, let’s just put this in she’s a virgin. At what stage do you think that she’ll grow up enough to actually think:

Is this all there is? I made a decision there and I didn’t really have much life experience. It wasn’t a conscious choice. It was something I just walked into. Because it was what was expected of me. And now what am I going to do?

 

Siobhan

There is a natural thing to have that kind of curiosities and sexual curiosity, at some point in life, and I think there is that danger that she will want to go out and explore some other options later on down the line.

 

Hayley

It’s the question between innocence and experience, right? Do you want somebody who’s never seen the world, never done anything? And so presumably, they’re super easy and agreeable and easy to control? Or do you want someone who’s lived some life and has grown up? Who’s reached a state of maturity, where they’re actually able to go, I’m ready for a relationship. This is what I want. I’m comfortable. I know who I am. I’m good at communicating. I understand myself. 

What I think a relationship is- it’s communication, not a dictatorship.

 

Siobhan

Absolutely. What you’re looking for is a partnership, where you both contributing towards that relationship. So a woman is not there just to be, you know, the woman who carries and reproduces your children and makes your dinners and cleans the house. You know, she’s there to actually contribute and I think men that have any depth to them this day and age, do want a woman that can hold a stimulating conversation that can sort of challenging them in certain areas.

 

Hayley

And one of my favourite phrases, if it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you.

 

Siobhan

Absolutely. I saw you post that.

 

Hayley

I agree, I in a relationship, there should be a slight degree of challenge.

 

Siobhan

And a slight degree of you changing and evolving.

 

Hayley

Compromising and coming together.

 

Siobhan

There’s a problem as well as a lot of people are afraid of change. A lot of people don’t want to change. And that’s something which a lot of people struggle with. They think change is not necessarily a good thing.

But the other day I was looking at Facebook memories. And when your quotes come up and go, I cringe at some of the statuses I wrote back in 2007. That was my 20-year-old self, that was just speaking out and venting out based on my feelings and thoughts at the time. And things that I would not publicly say now, just like those silly little quotes: You haven’t seen my strength. And karma is gonna get you.

I was spiritually evolving from here, you know, and I’d like to think that I’ve actually have evolved.

 

Hayley

There’s something there about choosing someone. Don’t get me wrong, there are some extremely mature 20-year-olds, and there are some guys that maybe it would work out for them. But, come on, you need someone who’s at least had the time to develop and work on themselves enough.

 

Siobhan

Yeah, that sense of self-awareness. And, again, what you thought that you wanted at 20 is probably going to be quite different than what you think that you want and need now at 30.

 

Hayley

Its that change. If you get someone who’s 20, they haven’t had that growth spurt yet of self-awareness. You don’t know really where they’re going to end up or headspace wise in 10 years.

 

Siobhan

And especially if there’s a significant age gap, you’re growing at different paces. If you’re the same age, you’re both 20-year-olds, there still will be one that’s probably a little bit ahead of the other in terms of levels of maturity, but you kind of got to grow at a similar pace.

But to suggest that a guy should be with a woman that’s 20, and he’s 20 years her senior, and that’s going to be the perfect partnership. It’s not really. It’s based on the physicalities of her looking her most youthful, her body being most presentable.

 

Hayley

Everyone gets old! This is another flaw in the plan. Everyone gets old. You know, my grandmother, who I loved having on this podcast said, You know what, you actually need someone that you can talk to. And you get on with- he’s like a mate as well. Because there will be times where there might be babies involved or like the sexual passion has died down. And we’ll both be older, any of the many other other other things that could happen. And if you don’t have that basic compatibility of being able to intellectually stimulate one another.

 

Siobhan

Absolutely. And intimacy is not just about sex. The intimacy is those moments where you can sit down and reveal certain things to a person. Just sit there and have a cuddle. Sometimes it’s really nice not to have sex. It is really nice just to sit and have a cuddle and a cup of tea and a biscuit. It’s just even those little things that make all the difference.

So I think there are definitely some things you should look for in a potential wife. And I think friendship is one of the things that you should be looking for.

 

Hayley Quinn

Hayley Quinn is an internationally recognised dating coach and founder of the UK’s largest dating coaching company. She has over 2 Million views on her TED talk and over 100,000 YouTube subscribers.

She is the spokesperson for Match, the biggest online dating platform in the world. She has been featured on BBC1, Sky and Channel 4 and is a regular columnist for Cosmopolitan and contributor to yahoo!style.

Phone: +447517915854
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