For Men

Standards That You Need To Have In A Girlfriend

May 7, 2020
▪ 3 mins read

Men need to have standards just as women do

Here’s a funny difference in the dating advice men and women get: women are spoken to A LOT about standards i.e. how a man should be treating them. Men’s dating advice - nada.

It’s like the outcome of whether you manage to date her is all on you: no matter how closed off she is to speaking, flakey she is about the date, or how little time she makes for you... that it’s all your fault.

Traditional pick-up advice teaches you that there’s a solution for each of these `problems’:

  • She’s got a boyfriend? Say this line!
  • Has she flaked twice? Send this message to change her mind.
  • She’s not opening up? Use this conversational technique to build an instant connection etc.

Now that’s not to say there aren’t `techniques’ you can use to improve your conversations, messages, and approaches BUT all of this is no good if you don’t have good standards for yourself as a man. Think of it this way: if a woman was acting non-committal about going out on a date with Brad Pitt what do you think he’d do?

I can bet it wouldn’t be google how to win her over... he’d move on! Secure in the knowledge that there would be a queue of other women waiting to date him. Now I know Brad Pitt is a movie star but what’s important here is the attitude of having standards.

Standards are where - apart from her looks - you expect some contribution from the woman to build your relationship with her. 

You do not approach dating like Oliver Twist hoping and begging that someone will say yes! You instead demonstrate your value as a man by knowing when to walk away.

What does it mean to have standards?

Having standards could mean that when you approach a couple of women if they give you very closed answers you wish them a good day, and leave them to it. You're trying to connect with a woman during social distancing, and she's not providing any alternatives for how to connect (i.e. she doesn't want to video call or leave you voice notes). When a woman says she’s really busy with work/ school for the next month so can’t meet you respect that as a polite no, wish her well, and move on. If you’re on a date with a woman who is chronically late, unapologetic, and doesn’t ask you diddly squat about yourself in the conversation, you don’t chase her up for another date. Yup, even if she’s really pretty.

The facts are this: you can’t show a woman how awesome you are unless she gives you the basic ingredients of her time and attention. 

Move on to keep going on

By moving on when women aren’t open to interacting with you, you also do 3 very important things which help your dating life.

  1. You show her that you respect a `no’ even if it’s just implied by her being too busy to meet: in 2020, this is very important.
  2. By not chasing her you demonstrate that you’re a high-value man who has options. Sometimes not pushing for an outcome actually makes you far more attractive than a man who can’t let something go.
  3. You send a powerful message to yourself that you are abundant and can do better. This helps to build your core confidence with women.

You can really distinguish yourself as a man (and save a lot of your time & energy!) by holding basic standards for the women you meet.

She should contribute to the conversation. Give you some of her time. Meet you in person to explore the connection further. Be curious to get to know you. She should be communicative. And she should be clear about what times she is available.

By approaching dating in this way you’re going to give your self-esteem a major thumbs up.

Hayley Quinn smiling profile
About the author

Hayley Quinn is a leading dating and relationship coach, with 3 million views of her TEDx talk and 18 million YouTube views. She is spokesperson for Match, a columnist for Cosmopolitan, a regular contributor to international media, and has been published by Harper Collins (“The Last First Date”, 2022) and Simon & Schuster (“Do This, Not That: Dating”, 2023).

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