leave the door open

Too many choices: Don’t leave the door open…

Hesitancy is a destroyer of desire.


Today, it’s my pleasure to be joined by Charles Rare, aka rare thoughts, co-founder of Subjectivity UK, writer and therapist. Who’s, I have to say, because we’ve just taped another podcast, already a pretty punchy speaker, super direct, very philosophical. He’s going to teach you a lot about having too many choices and why you should not leave the door open!

On our last podcast, we stumbled across an amazing topic to share with you today. So get this, it’s about putting your chips in and following through on your intention. It’s about banishing hesitation, accepting that life isn’t really perfect, accepting the challenge at the moment, and proceeding forward with the course of action in the face of fear of failure. So this could be about hesitating to ask out that woman that you want or being undecided about whether to pursue a relationship or not.

Hesitancy, I think is a destroyer of desire. And it really doesn’t get you very far. Now, that doesn’t mean that we can’t reflect on this and take a moment out to decide the right course of action. But we’re going to be giving you some steps about how you can follow through. So welcome to the podcast.


The interview- Should you leave the door open?


Thank you for having me again.



The secret is, we’ve actually been chatting all afternoon. So, Charles, how would you describe actually going for a goal and deciding to put your intentions in your tips and the benefits towards doing that?



You’ve already highlighted a keyword and it’s intentions. We don’t always think about it. Sometimes we think about desires and what we want. But we don’t think about the intention behind that or the driving factor. This lack of an understanding our intention comes from how guys have been cultivated to be the type of masculine, type of men they are in today’s society. And that’s to sort of rid the man of his emotions, controlling for his ego, and drive them away from self. And I feel like that is what is thrown the decisions and the movement of men into disparity.



Yeah, and I think there are lots of things which tell you don’t make a decision. Whether it’s you’re on Tinder and there are always many other women that are options. We are living in the age of the options!



It’s so crazy! There is a site called plenty of fish. How does one make a decision or move forward with commitment-free plenty of fish? It’s saying to you that there’s plenty more. What we tend to do, especially as men is we love to keep the back door open a little bit. We love to keep the back door on the latch. And that is our escape route.

Because we’ve been cultivated to hide away from emotions, we keep it open. If emotion we’re presented and we feel that fear, we can escape, right? We don’t want to shut it because we don’t want to deal with it. So it’s always left open. And that’s almost like the options are slight. We continue to speak to certain people so that we have access to them when we need it.



Right. So just in case, the relationship with this one doesn’t work out you got something else to fall back on.



Even the world teaches to keep your options open. Don’t put all your eggs in one box. Why do you think we’ve subconsciously taken this in and became conditioned to be the people that the world speaks of? 



And when actually a really awesome relationship is one where there is dependency and you put some eggs in that basket. And you know what else? I had one of my male clients shared this with me and I thought this was a true piece of golden wisdom. He was like: I was considering, you know, staying friends with these few girls on Facebook or maybe just keeping Tinder going even though I really liked this girl. Because you know, it might not work out. But then he said he’s thought about it and that he really liked this girl and if it doesn’t work out what freaking comfort is Tinder and a few people on Facebook gonna be exactly?

You’ve just got to be cautious there because sometimes when you keep that door on the latch, the woman in your life will find it. And then she is going to freak out and the security of the relationship goes. All because you were afraid to make a decision or you thought what will happen if you really commit yourself and give intimacy to this person.



Having that door latch, it prevents you from dealing with difficult situations. The door latch is something a lot of people put on throughout their whole life. And that’s within work career ambitions and goals. Let’s take our end goals, for example. When something backs them up, and there isn’t a solid wall, it’s just a door that they can fall back through, I’m going to go this way, quickly, I’m gonna exit until it becomes a bit more comfortable for me.

And that prevents you from actually dealing with the reality that you need to deal with. So sometimes you have a fear. And you don’t want to see what the outcome of dealing with this fear is going to be like. But sometimes, if you want to really overcome it, you have to face it on the head-on. You have to give yourself no other option- you have to cut off all other escape routes. 



That’s so true. When I’ve found my moments, I’ve had the most inspiration, I’ve actually got through the most things. When you get through something, you prove to us that you feel good and you feel the reward. This has is often happened when my back has been completely up against the wall. And there’s been nothing else to do, but face that thing.

We get so good at not facing things and sweeping stuff under the carpet. And this could be that you think I would meet a woman but you know what, my work is kind of hectic at the moment. You put artificial barriers before you can take that action.




I’m pretty candid and I hope that though in all of the humour and silliness of me making inappropriate jokes, that some good life lessons, particularly the ones relating to how you can get better with women came through. I will be back again next week with another episode of Attraction HQ and thank you so much for listening to my podcast today. If you want to find out more about me please head to Hayley Quinn where I have a free 7-day membership available for you to my exclusive subscriber’s club

Hayley Quinn

Hayley Quinn is an internationally recognised dating coach and founder of the UK’s largest dating coaching company. She has over 2 Million views on her TED talk and over 100,000 YouTube subscribers.

She is the spokesperson for Match, the biggest online dating platform in the world. She has been featured on BBC1, Sky and Channel 4 and is a regular columnist for Cosmopolitan and a contributor to yahoo!style.

Her first fiction book “The Last First Date” has been published by Harper Collins and her non-fiction book “Do This Not That” (Simon & Schuster) is due for publication in early 2023.

Her goal is to bridge the gap with modern dating and help inspire people to learn to love dating.

Phone: +447517915854
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